


Happily (N)ever After

by Megara09, wibblywobblydemonydeducythings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied Sexual Abuse, Implied Torture, M/M, Mental Health Issues, One-sided feelings, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Suicide Attempt, aaaaaangst, sad!sam, tw: rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-18
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-02-26 03:11:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 63,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2635832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megara09/pseuds/Megara09, https://archiveofourown.org/users/wibblywobblydemonydeducythings/pseuds/wibblywobblydemonydeducythings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam develops a crush on someone he knows better than to like. When Castiel outs his hidden feelings, Gabriel's taunts and mocking words are like shards of glass to Sam's battered heart. But what did he expect? </p><p>Hunters don't get a happily ever after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work is copyrighted by me, Megara09, and is not to be copied or hosted on any site but AO3.

When Sam first realized he had a crush on the Trickster, he was determined to fight it. How could he be attracted to the man who had killed dozens of people, mentally scarred countless others, and had tried to drive him and his brother crazy?

But this was the same man who made him laugh so effortlessly, who - it seemed - actually had a legitimate reason for his dealings.

Color Sam confused. Still, he couldn't help the attraction from growing - or the lust, blooming low in his belly - every time he saw the archangel. While the shorter man had indeed caused them - mostly Sam - a lot of grief over the past few years, he had come through for them in the end, giving them enough time to escape from Lucifer. His sacrifice had prompted the ever-absent God to bring him back much like he had Castiel.

Which leads to Sam's current problem. Every night, they found a new motel to sleep in. And every night, Gabriel would pop in and act like he belonged there. The worst part was that he actually kind of did.

He fit in with their ragtag bunch of heroes like he was the missing piece they hadn't known they needed. He kept Cas from making too many blunders around humans. He kept Dean occupied with sass and sarcasm to rival the older hunter. And he knew more about the monster of the week than any book they could hope to look through.

But Sam still tried to stay aloof. He knew that if he let things get out of hand, it would only end badly. His track record was enough of a reason to stay single and celibate. Gabriel didn't make it easy on him, though. It was like he deliberately engaged the taller hunter when he knew the other man was trying to keep his distance. But still, Sam hung on to the threads of his willpower. Even if he couldn't stop what he was feeling, he could at lease keep everyone from finding out.

He didn't count on Castiel's observance.

The day started out like any other, except that Gabriel had decided to spend the day with them instead of just showing up once they had settled in for the night. They were sitting in a diner and waiting for their food. Cas, customarily sitting beside Dean, studied his brother and the hunter. Sam was laughing at a joke Gabriel had told while the archangel smirked. As was his way, he said whatever came to mind. He did not expect it to cause the problems it eventually would.

"You are in love with my brother."

Sam's laughter stopped abruptly. His face lost its color, but he tried to play it off. "What? No. Why would you think that, Cas?"

Gabriel said nothing.

Castiel tilted his head. "Your soul shines brightest when he is near you."

Dean, noticing the tension growing in Sam's form, tried to divert Cas' attention from his brother. "Oh yeah? What about me?"

Fixing his unwavering stare at Dean, Cas nodded slowly. "It seems your soul responds to my grace in much the same way."

Finally, Gabriel spoke. "Yeah, well, who didn't know that Dean-o here is in love with you?"

Sam looked down at his hands on the table, mentally willing a hole to open up underneath him and swallow him. He said nothing for the rest of the time they were in the diner, but tried to play off his unease with nonchalance. He knew he wasn't being very convincing.

When they returned to the car, Gabriel made an excuse and left before they could get back on the road. Sam simply entered the car and waited for them to leave. For the next few hours, he ignored Dean's attempts at conversation. He stared through the windshield and let himself drift into a haze.

When they finally pulled into a motel for the night, he took a shower and immediately went to bed in hopes of avoiding Gabriel. He wasn't ashamed, per se, of how he felt, but he didn't want to make things awkward.

Too bad that Gabriel wasn't willing to let it go. The next morning, he was sitting on Sam's bed, staring at the hunter when he woke up.

"Dude, that is totally creepy. Stop it," Sam said as he pushed his hair out of his face.

Gabriel simply watched as Sam pushed back the covers and stood, running his hands over his face to wake himself up. He waited for Sam to dress, to take care of his morning ritual in the bathroom. As Sam was sitting on the edge of the bed to lace up his boots, Gabriel finally spoke.

"You're in love with me."

Sam froze for half a second, then carried on with his boots. "What does it matter?"

"You do know that I don't sleep with mortals, right?"

"Not like I was planning on ever actually saying anything about it, Gabriel."

The angel snorted. "And why not? Because this fabulousness is no match for your unworthy human self?"

Sam felt a bolt of pain at Gabriel's words. "Something like that," he muttered. Boots finally laced, Sam stood and headed for the door. "I'm going to find some food."

He was gone before Gabriel could reply.

**###########**

An hour later, Sam was sitting in a booth at a diner he had found on the other side of town from the motel. He had barely eaten any of his breakfast, too occupied with Gabriel's remark from earlier. While the hunter knew that he didn't mean it quite like it had sounded, Sam still felt the ring of truth to the words.

What did he - the abomination, the boy with demon blood - think would happen between himself and an angel? And not just an angel, a freaking _arch_ angel. The highest on the totem pole. Sam felt like an idiot. Regardless of the fact that he had never intended to act on his burgeoning feelings, it still stung to know that his affections were not only one-sided, but also spurned.

Before he could stew in his depressed thoughts for too long, Dean and Cas walked into the diner. The cautious way they approached him spoke volumes of what he must look like. Sitting up a little straighter, Sam made the effort to school his features into something a little less morose. When the two sat down, Sam automatically nudged his plate at Dean. For once, the older hunter made no move to eat.

The angel stared woefully at Sam. "I apologize, Sam. I did not realize that my words would garner such a poor reaction. I am still working on my 'people skills'."

Sam snorted as the angel made air quotes. "It's okay, Cas. Just, do me a favor and let's just drop it."

Dean gave Sam a sharp look, one that practically screamed at Sam that Dean knew he was hiding something. Forcing an air of nonchalance, Sam asked if there were any leads for a new case. After a moment of silence, the hunter sighed and started in on their newest lead. When he had spouted the details, Sam clapped his hands together and said, "Okay, well great. I'll go get on research before we head out. I'll be at the library."

Castiel watched Dean watch Sam as the younger brother left the diner. "You are worried about Sam."

Dean ran a hand down his face. "Yeah, I'm worried. He's not like me, Cas. He _feels_ things a lot deeper, more personal. This crap with Gabriel is messing him up."

"He seems to be doing fine, Dean," the angel said after a moment.

The hunter laughed humorlessly. "I know my baby brother, Cas. That ain't fine. Let's just go. Sooner we can get outta here, the sooner we can distract him with the case."

**###########**

If Sam expected Gabriel to be gone when he stopped by the motel for his laptop, he was very wrong. The archangel was sprawled out on Sam's bed, absently taking bites of a candy bar while watching -

"Dude. On my bed? Really?"

The angel smirked. "What? It's the only action it's gonna see. And I'm not even naked."

Sam groaned and hurried to collect his things so he could get away from porn-watching angels. That had to be blasphemous, right?

Gabriel helpfully chimed in. "No more blasphemous than when you jacked off two days ago in the shower. Nice imagery, by the way. Very realistic. How did you know I was so flexible?"

Sam felt the blood drain from his face as he resolutely fixed his attention on his things and away from the smirking angel on his bed. With his hand down his pants.

Gabriel snorted. "Did Sammy forget that the big, bad archangel can read thoughts?"

Without replying, Sam tugged the strap to his laptop bag over his head and made a beeline for the door. Gabriel's parting shot, delivered just as the door was closing, felt like glass shards in Sam's heart.

"Keep that in mind next time, Sammoose!"

Sam stood outside the door for long seconds, his hand clenched on the strap of his bag as he tried to will away the moisture that had sprung to his eyes. Of course Gabriel wouldn't want Sam - _human,_ _tainted, abomination_ \- to have thoughts of that nature about him. Finally, Sam took a shuddering breath and began the trek to the local library.

Working on the case helped distract Sam from the feelings of worthlessness and despair that had begun to fester deep inside. He was being useful, helping research the newest monster of the week. He found the patterns of the attacks, which led quickly to finding out that their monster was a demon. Just as he was packing his things up, Dean and Cas walked into the library.

"Hey, guys. I found out what it is." Sam noticed the looks on their faces. Dread settled in his gut. "What is it?"

Dean grimaced and shook his head. "It's nothing. What have you got?"

Sam stared at his brother for a few seconds, but finally spoke. "So get this. I found a pattern of blackouts wherever the victims were killed. And a few witnesses said that the killer had soulless eyes. I'm thinking they meant literally. The only thing I don't understand is why the demon is going after people that were somehow a threat against its host."

Brows furrowed, Dean asked, "What do you mean? Like mob hits?"

"That's just it, it's all little stuff. Like this one - Carol Brandt. The man she killed was her landlord. He was evicting her and her two kids for what seems like no reason. And Marcus Jones. The bank manager denied his claim for a loan to pay for his wife's cancer treatment. It's like...a vigilante demon."

"A do-gooder sulfur sucker? Come on, Sam, there's no such thing!"

Sam closed his eyes, biting back the word that begged to be said. _Ruby._ Because Ruby wasn't actually a do-gooder. she was a lying, manipulative bitch who had tricked Sam and used him. Instead, he said softly, "Yeah, I know."

"Shit, Sammy, I didn't mean it like- "

"No, Dean, it's okay. You're right. No such thing."

Cas watched the interaction for a moment before deciding to leave the brothers alone. He silently opening his wings and flew back to the motel.

"Sam, it wasn't your fault."

The taller hunter froze as he was working to put his things away. "What?" he asked tightly.

Dean sighed. "Ruby. Lucifer. Any of it. None of this is your fault. I just...I wanted you to know that."

Tears pricked Sam's eyes as the hateful words from Dean's voicemail the night of Lucifer's freedom echoed in his mind. _Freak. Monster. Vampire._

"Thanks, Dean. Can we, uh...get on the road? Go save some lives?" Sam asked without turning around.

"Sure, Sammy," Dean said softly. The two stood in awkward silence as Sam finished packing his things before leaving the library. The silence continued until they arrived back at the motel to grab their things. Cas and Gabriel looked up as the door opened, obviously in the middle of a conversation. Castiel opened his mouth to say something, but a glare from Gabriel cut him off.

Sam said nothing as he began to slowly pack his clothes away and organize his duffel. Dean stared at his brother for a long moment before turning away to gather his own clothes. Before long, the four were headed out to the Impala and piling inside the car. Just as Sam was about to open the front passenger door to get in, Castiel spoke up.

"Sam, if it's all the same to you, I would like to sit in the front this once."

The other three men looked oddly at Castiel, but he held his ground. Finally, Sam shrugged and backed away with a dismissive wave. "Sure, Cas. Go ahead. But I'm going to need to swap in a few hours."

Castiel nodded and opened the door. Gabriel glared at his brother for a moment before not-quite-gently moving Sam out of the way to sit behind the other angel. If he spent the next few hours kicking the back of Cas' seat, then it was the seraph's own fault.

Sam was, by default, delegated to the seat behind Dean. He sighed and tried to stretch out as much as the cramped back seat would allow him to.

He didn't see Gabriel's eyes darting over his tall muscular form. He didn't see the archangel lick his lips when the hunter pulled his shirt up slightly to adjust his belt. And he definitely didn't see the quick motion of the older angel's hand darting across his lap to press against the barely noticeable bulge there.

Sam was too wrapped up in his thoughts of self-loathing and guilt to notice these things.

He noticed Gabriel sitting in a sullen heap on his side of the backseat, refusing to budge except to kick the seat in front of him or to flick his brother's ear. _"Of course. Why would the holy creature want to sit beside the demon fucker?"_ Even as he thought it, Sam made doubly - _triply_ \- sure that his mental walls were high. Once was enough of being eavesdropped on in his own head.

For the next three hours, Sam feigned sleep to avoid any kind of potential interaction with the angel of his wayward affections. Finally, he felt the car slow and slowly stretched out to sit upright and look around. During his faked sleep, twilight had settled around them. Now, the Impala was directing her wheels to pull into a lone space at a diner. Sam's stomach chose that moment to growl loudly, causing a snort and a brow quirk to be aimed his way via rear-view mirror. Sam rolled his eyes and smirked as Dean's followed suit, roaring its displeasure at being empty.

Gabriel, for his part, was ready to be more than a foot away from Sam. His personal version of Hell, for the last three-and-some-odd hours, had been to be within touching distance of the hunter and unable to do anything. At least in the motel rooms he had room to move away if the urge came over him to run his fingers through that hair or slide his fingers into the little dip between jeans and skin. In the car, however, he had been forced to act out towards Cas whenever those urges hit. So when Sam shifted in his "sleep" - come on! Gabriel was utterly aware that the kiddo was awake - and his shirt made its way a sliver of an inch higher on his belly, Cas received a kick to the back and a mental message of how irritated Gabe was at him.

When the hunter actually drifted to sleep for a moment before Dean's distraction - aimed at Cas, of course - caused the car to hit a pothole, Sam dreamed of a certain short archangel. Mere centimeters from their lips meeting in that dream, Dean cursed and attempted to miss said pothole. That swerve almost sent Gabriel into Sam's lap, but the archangel held his seat through sheer power of will. The glare Gabriel sent to Dean could have melted a polar ice cap.

So it was with great relief that he exited the car and made for the diner. Inside, he snagged a booth and waved down the waitress to order four cups and a pot of coffee. By the time the other three men joined him, he was halfway through his first cup. Dean slid in across from the short angel and Cas followed him closely. Sam hesitated for a moment before sitting beside Gabriel. He sat on the very edge of the seat to make sure he wasn't touching the moody archangel.

When the waitress came back for their orders, Sam had to inch closer to Gabriel so that the woman didn't poke his eye out with her pen. Gabriel snorted at the sight of Sam back warily away from the writing utensil.

Sam heard Gabriel's amusement and stopped moving, more willing to be stabbed with a pen than to add to the angel's amusement. A second later, a near miss with the pen and his face made him rethink his stubbornness.

"Gee, bucko. I didn't order a side of overly attached moose. You're crushing me, here!" Gabriel snarked.

Sam jolted away from him and out of the booth entirely. Without a word, he stalked to the poor excuse of a bathroom and locked the door, intending to give the others a few minutes to finish ordering. Dean knew what Sam would order, though the older brother would most likely order the opposite just to mess with him. After splashing his face with water, he ran his fingers through his hair and sighed, battling the ever-present thoughts of self-loathing and disgust.

_Worthless._

_Unlovable._

_Abomination._

Why had he ever thought he could possibly end up with something other than heartbreak and misery? People like him didn't get to ride of into the sunset with their true love. People like Sam Winchester got to die young if they were lucky. Young enough to go out fighting, and not too old to have become useless.

Hunters didn't get a happily ever after.


	2. Chapter 2

When Sam still hadn't come back to their booth five minutes later, Dean sighed. Cas, ever observant of his charge's demeanor, looked at Dean in question. The hunter groaned. "Keep shortstack out here. I'm gonna go find Sam."

Gabriel rolled his eyes at the nickname but made no move to leave. When Dean was out of earshot, Castiel confronted his brother.

"Why do you not just tell Sam how you feel?" he asked sharply.

"Don't start in on me, Cassie. It's my business and I'm saying to stay out of it," Gabriel replied without looking up from his coffee.

"You frustrate me, Gabriel. I do not understand your reasoning."

"Yeah, well, you don't have to. Just keep your mouth shut about it." When Cas opened his mouth to speak again, Gabriel glared and - for added measure - snapped up some duct tape. He held the roll up and raised a challenging brow at the seraph. Castiel sighed and nodded, closing his mouth and turning his attention to his own coffee.

In the back of the diner, Sam was glaring at Dean. "I'm _fine_ , Dean. Leave it alone."

Dean scoffed. "Yeah, bolting from the table like a hellhound was after you is the epitome of _fine_."

"Just drop it, Dean. I'm not kidding. I do not want to have a brotherly bonding moment over my shitty life choices."

"And I'm any better? Sam, it's not just you. We're both cursed."

"Cursed? No, I'm not cursed. I _am_ the curse. Everything would have been so much better if I'd never been born. Mom would still be alive. Dad, too. You wouldn't have gone to Hell. The freaking _apocalypse_ wouldn't have begun. I destroy everything I touch, Dean."

"Sammy, what the hell? You're not a curse, you're my brother! And you don't know that anything would be different. You know that the angels and the demons both have been working toward the apocalypse for hundred of years."

Sam shook his head. "I'm poison, and you know it."

"Fine. You wanna act like spoiled little bitch because that asshole out there doesn't like you back, go ahead. But don't expect any sympathy from me when you're just looking for a reason to be moody," Dean spat, beyond frustrated. With a last harsh look at Sam he turned and stalked from the bathroom. On the way to the door, he barked, "C'mon, Cas."

Gabriel snorted at how quickly Cas jumped to, following the fuming hunter out of the diner. The archangel was about to wing himself away when he realized that Dean and Cas were actually leaving. Narrowing his eyes, he watched as they climbed into the car and peeled out of the parking lot.

_"What the hell, Castiel?"_

_"I am sorry, Gabriel. Dean is very angry at Sam and wishes to...teach him a lesson."_

_"Great. Thanks a lot, little bro. Keep the menace from killing himself. I've got Sam."_

Gabriel broke away from his connection to Cas as Sam exited the bathroom and made his way to their seats. His steps faltered when he saw Gabriel sitting there alone. "Where's Dean and Cas?"

"I gotta give it to you, Samsquatch. You sure know how to piss off your brother. He took off," Gabriel informed him nonchalantly.

Sam groaned and plopped into the booth across from the angel. "Great," he said bitterly. Once again, he had fucked things up.

"Here we go, boys! Oh, where's the other two?" the waitress asked as she plunked their plates onto the table.

"They went to find a motel to christen," Gabriel deadpanned. Despite himself, Sam laughed at the thought of uptight Dean accepting his feelings for the angel enough to act on them.

The waitress wasn't quite as amused. When her face lost its genuine warmth and fell into a fake expression that both men recognized as disapproval masked by politeness, the hunter and the angel glanced at each other. Gabriel's face held a hint of challenge, one that Sam was quick to return.

For the sake of making this woman uncomfortable, they would both take one for the team. Almost as one, they reached across the table dividing them and clasped hands. Sam smiled and said to the waitress, "Yeah, we're actually all on a honeymoon. Big double wedding, two sets of brothers. It was all very romantic."

Gabriel smirked and made a show of rubbing his thumb across Sam's knuckles. (The hunter tried to ignore the butterflies in his belly.) The waitress made a noncommittal noise and forced another smile before walking away.

Sam's hand felt cold as Gabriel's fingers drew away. "Thanks for playing along, Sammich. I can't stand homophobes."

"Yeah, me either," the hunter agreed as he resolutely stared out the window. The brief contact with the angel had stirred up his unwanted emotions - lust at the forefront of those - and Sam was hesitant to add fuel to his stupid heart's idea of a fire.

Gabriel rolled his eyes as Sam curled in on himself - metaphorically speaking. This kid was all sorts of issues rolled into a mess of floppy hair and dimples. He decided to give Sam a break and kept his comments (which mostly consisted of lewd jokes or uncomfortable gossip about their fellow diners) to himself. As they finished their food, the angel snapped and had the missing brothers' food in to-go boxes. Without waiting for the waitress, Sam tossed enough cash to cover their bill onto the table and made his way to the door.

Before he could leave, a big burly man in leather stood and stepped into their path. "Heard you're one of those queer folk. You best be leaving town quickly. We don't need your kind around these parts."

Sam felt his lips quirk, but fought down the smile. "And if we don't?" he asked belligerently.

Big guy crossed his arms, making sure to flex his muscles as he did so. "We'll just have to make you."

This time, Sam did smile briefly before his expression turned deadly and he raised to his full height. Slightly hunched - as always; Sam knew his height could be intimidating - he had been evenly matched with the other man. Now he was notably taller. He stepped right into the other man's space and said quietly, "You won't be _making_ us do anything. We'll leave when we're damn good and ready. Got a problem with it? Go cry to your boyfriend about it."

Gabriel couldn't contain his snickers as the beefy guy's face turned red with his fury. Sam grasped his jacket sleeve and tugged him past the unresisting asshole and out the door. The angel burst into laughter as soon as they were outside, bent over and gasping for breath. "Damn, kiddo. I thought he was gonna piss himself for a second there."

Sam's tight expression didn't fade, though he did let go of the angel's jacket. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes, breathing deeply in an attempt to reign in his fury. Gabriel's laughter carried on for a few more minutes, but Sam's anger stayed hot. Finally, the celestial being noticed the human's stiff form.

"Sam? What is it?" he asked cautiously. Infinitely powerful being though he was, he didn't feel like being attacked by six feet and four inches of Winchester fury. When Sam didn't respond, Gabriel sighed. So much for their fun. One snap of pagan-angelic magic later and the two were transported to a motel room across town. Sam opened his eyes when his footing changed. Noticing the room around them, he blinked and immediately stalked to the bathroom.

Gabriel stared after him in confusion. _"What the hell crawled up his ass and died?"_ Shrugging it off, the angel plopped down onto Sam's bed and blinked at the television. It came to life and began flipping through the available channels with barely a thought. The rest of his focus was on letting his little brother know where to meet up after Dean had calmed down from his hissy fit.

After ten minutes had passed and Sam was still hiding out in the bathroom, Gabriel sighed. _"It sucks to be the responsible person in the equation,"_ he thought as he stood up. Knocking on the door garnered no reaction, and neither did calling Sam's name. Finally, the angel transported himself into the small room, ready to verbally flay the hunter for making him actually act like an adult.

The cracked mirror and blood spattered around the room put a halt to his words. Sam was squeezed between the toilet and the tub, his bloodied hands cradling his head. Gabriel wondered how in the hell he hadn't heard the commotion even as he stepped cautiously toward the human. "Sam?" he called out softly. Sam didn't move, so Gabriel called out again a little louder. Still nothing. With slow movements, the angel reached for the hunter and gently pulled his hands away from his head and grasped his chin to tilt the man's face up.

Sam's hazel eyes were dull and listless, almost as if he were in a trance. _"Or shock,"_ the angel realized. He sighed again and snapped, moving Sam to his bed and instantly changing his bloody clothes. With careful motions, he picked up Sam's hands and inspected the damage to the knuckles. Bits of glass were stuck in the open wounds, and blood welled constantly and sluggishly.

Gabriel groaned and sent out a call to his little brother, informing the seraph of Sam's condition. Even from across town, Gabriel felt the spike of anger that could have come from none other than Dean. Within minutes, the Impala was roaring to a halt outside the room. The older Winchester burst through the door, searching for Sam and crossing to his side in seconds. Castiel followed close behind, carrying Dean's duffle.

"I removed the glass and bandaged them," Gabriel said quietly from the doorway to the bathroom. While his crossed arms and casual stance spoke of nonchalance, the expression on his face was anything but. Dean looked up and glared, even going so far as to take a menacing step toward the angel, but Gabriel was gone in a rush of feathers. Castiel moved from his spot by the front door and studied the damage in the bathroom. After a few moments, he rejoined Dean.

"Does Sam have issues controlling his anger?" he asked in his gravelly voice.

"What? Yeah, sometimes. If he gets mad enough, you can't stop him - just gotta wait till he burns it out of his system."

Castiel nodded. "I believe he was attempting to control himself. Sequestered in the bathroom, there wasn't much for him to break."

"Yeah except his hands. Dammit, Sammy," Dean said softly as he stared at the blank face of his baby brother.

For nearly two hours, Dean sat by Sam's side and waited for him to wake up. Cas had taken up residence in one of the chairs in the kitchen area, staring into oblivion. Finally, Sam groaned and twitched.

"Sammy!" Dean was instantly by his brother's side, watching as he reached up to clutch his head, only to look at his bandaged hands in confusion.

"W-what?" he asked. "Dean, what happened?"

"You got pissed at your reflection, apparently. Trashed the bathroom, ended up damn near comatose for the last two hours."

"But... Where'd Gabriel go? Wasn't he here?" Sam asked quietly.

Nodding, Dean said, "He scrammed not long after me an' Cas got here."

Sam stared down at his hands. "Oh," he said softly. "I think...I think I'm gonna go to sleep, Dean. Can you help me with my boots?"

Dean frowned at the defeated tone in Sam's voice, as well as the request itself. Sam never asked him for help anymore, but he wasn't going to deny the kid now. "Sure, Sammy. Pants?" When Sam nodded, Dean set to work getting him ready for bed like he had countless times as kids. Boots and pants came off, covers were pulled from under the taller man, and Dean perfunctorily tucked him in with nary a snark about being a princess.

He may be a dick sometimes, but even Dean knew when to keep it to himself.

With Sam squared away and breathing softly, Dean sighed and made his way to the bottle of liquor he had stashed in his duffle. He dropped into the chair across from Cas and took a swig straight from the bottle. "What the fuck is Gabriel's deal?"

Cas shook his head. "I am unable to speak of my brother's current affliction."

Dean stared at the angel for a moment before taking another, longer swig of whiskey. "He's fucking with my brother's head, Cas."

"I apologize, Dean. He will not listen to me." Cas sighed before reaching across the table to snag the bottle from Dean's hand. He took a generous swallow form the bottle before looking back to Dean. "Older brothers are...a pain in the ass."

Dean snorted. "Yeah, well. Little brothers ain't much better." He glanced at Sam's still form and sighed again. "I haven't seen him this wrecked since...damn. Since Jess died. I wonder what set him off."

"Would you like me to ask Gabriel?" Cas asked helpfully. Without waiting for Dean's reply, he sent the question to the archangel.

Gabriel was currently halfway across the world, contemplating the pros and cons of staying with the Winchesters, when he heard Cas' question. Only after he assured himself that Sam was asleep did he reappear in the motel room he had left so quickly earlier. He didn't even look at Sam as he snapped a third chair into existence and dropped into it.

"We were messing with the waitress at the diner - who turned out to be a homophobe, by the way - and we were on our way to find you guys when big, beefy, and in denial threatened us. Said we needed to get our gay selves outta town or we'd be made to. Sam went from Tigger to tiger and nearly made the guy piss himself. It was beautiful to behold," he said with a half-grin. The smile faded as he continued. "I snapped us here, he went into the bathroom, and when I went to see what the hell was taking so long, I found him squished between the john and the tub - and seriously, how did he fit there? - with broken mirror and blood everywhere. And then I fixed his hands up and called you guys."

Dean felt his teeth grind together. "Did it occur to you that something was wrong when he was so mad he couldn't talk?"

Gabriel glared. "I thought he was just mad! I didn't know he was gonna hulk out."

Dean shook his head. "How the hell he could ever see anything in you is beyond me. You're too selfish to care about anything but your own sorry hide."

Dean didn't see the momentary hurt flash in Gabriel's eyes, but Castiel did. "Gabriel, I would like to speak to you alone."

"Whatever," Gabriel said harshly as he shoved back from the table. He was gone as soon he was far enough away to spread his wings.

Castiel looked at Dean with disappointment evident in his eyes.

"What?! It's true!" Dean exclaimed. Cas was gone seconds later, but the sudden feeling of guilt in Dean's gut stayed. "It's true," he said quietly as he turned to look once more at Sam's sleeping form. With one last gulp of burning whiskey, Dean returned the bottle to his bag and fell onto the other bed with a groan of frustration.

Maybe tomorrow would be better.

**########**

Castiel landed gracefully beside his brother, distantly noting that they were in Spain. "Why do you continue this, Gabriel? What purpose does it serve?"

The archangel glared half-heartedly at the seraph. "You don't know anything, Castiel, so don't pretend to scold me."

"I do not pretend at anything. Sam lay nearly comatose for close to two hours. You did not have to engage the waitress in your petulant scheme, and you did not need to bring Sam into with you. Have you not seen his soul crying out in pain? Why do you add to it?"

"Don't try to pull that shit, Cas. His soul was crying out long before I came into the picture. Going to hell will do that to somebody," Gabriel said bitterly.

Cas sighed and looked contrite. "I apologize, Gabriel. It was not my intention to bring up those memories."

"Then what was your intention? Huh?"

"I simply wish to know _your_ intentions toward Sam Winchester."

Gabriel laughed, but it was a mocking sound. "I don't have any intentions toward him, Cas. Now go away. I may infect you with my selfish ways."

Castiel sighed again as his brother vanished. "Well, that didn't go well."


	3. Chapter 3

When Dean woke the next morning, Sam was still asleep. Or pretending to be. Either way, Dean tried to be quiet as he gathered things for a shower. He spent a moment staring at the now-clean bathroom before realizing that Cas had probably fixed everything during the night. Once the hunter was in the shower, feeling the hot spray pelting his skin, he didn't want to leave. Things were so much simpler in this moment - Sammy was just asleep, Cas was doing angel things, and Gabriel was nowhere to be seen.

Eventually, though, he had to face reality. Rushing through the meat of his shower routine, Dean finally exited the bathroom, clean and dressed, twenty minutes after he had gone in. Sam was still in bed, but now there were two angels sitting at the table in the corner. Dean sighed and tossed his dirty clothes in the floor by his duffel to be washed later before heading over to join the two. Gabriel didn't look at him, instead playing with the sleeve of his jacket.

In contrast, Cas looked too hard at him. Dean knew the angel could see the lines of stress on his face, the dark circles under his eyes. With a small shake of his head, he cut off any questions about his own appearance. Instead, he turned to the angel still studiously not looking at him. "What are you doing here?"

With a barely restrained snort, Gabriel finally turned to face the hunter. "Is it so hard to believe I wanted to check on Sammich?"

Dean scoffed. "Yeah, actually, it is. Try again."

Gabriel glared. "Well tough. Believe it."

Before Dean could argue any more, Sam stirred and sat up. When he saw three sets of eyes watching him, he groaned and rubbed his hands over his face. "What?"

"Just making sure you're okay, Sammy. How you feeling?" Dean asked as he walked over to his brother. He pressed the back of his hand to Sam's forehead, checking for a temperature and smiling at the memories of doing this as kids. Taking care of Sam may have been his duty as children, but Sam had never really made it a hassle.

As an adult, however...

"Dude, stop. I'm fine," Sam protested as he pushed at Dean's hand.

"Whatever, bitch." The grin on his face took any sting from the long-used insult of endearment.

"Jerk." Sam shoved his brother gently away so he could stand up. A little wobbly but determined not to show it, Sam slowly made his way to his bag and grabbed his clothes to take a shower. As he closed the bathroom door behind him, he realized that the bathroom showed no signs of what Dean had succinctly called _getting pissed at his reflection_.

Sam snorted. More like pissed at the world. He cranked the water as high as it would go and tried not to think of the moments leading up to his breakdown the previous night. Which, of course, made him think of it more.

_Clutching the sink in a white-knuckled grip, glaring at his reflection and trying to push away the self-loathing and hatred he always felt toward himself..._

With a groan, Sam sank down the wall and let the scalding water flow over him as he felt the helplessness from last night wash over him again. He was never going to be normal, never going to get anything he wanted out of life.

He just wanted to be loved...

Dean banged on the door, breaking him out of his melancholy thoughts. "Hurry it up, Sammy!"

"I'm coming!" the taller hunter yelled back. After a moment, he smiled. He _was_ loved. Dean had shown time and time again that he would do anything for his brother. Sam hurried through the rest of his shower and brushing his teeth and barreled into the main room of the motel. Dean straightened from where he was packing his duffel.

"Finally! Man, you take longer than a girl." Any further complaints were cut off by Sam's arm suddenly going around him. "Whoa, dude. Did you seriously turn into a girl in there?"

"Shut up, Dean. I just...thank you. For everything," Sam said softly as he held his brother tightly.

Dean smiled and brought a hand up to return the hug. "You're my brother, Sammy. It's my job." For all his jibing, he did appreciate the sentiment. But not for too long. "Okay, Sam," he said, clapping him on the back, "that's enough. Let's go get something to eat."

"Yeah. Yeah, okay. But can we, uh...can we go somewhere else? Not that diner, I mean." Sam didn't chance a look at Gabriel as he spoke.

"Already done," Dean said with a grin. "There's a place a few miles outside of town; figured we could hit it on the way out."

"Sounds great," Sam said, relief taking a huge weight from his shoulders.

Within ten minutes, the four were in the Impala and heading out of town. As they passed the diner from the day before, Dean turned the radio up to blaring and stuck his hand out the window, shooting the bird to all who could see. Sam laughed so hard he couldn't breathe, clutching his aching sides. Dean grinned as he turned the radio back down and rolled his window up. Gabriel smirked and rolled his eyes while Cas simply tilted his head and stared at the older hunter.

"What?" Dean asked of the blue-eyed angel.

Cas let his lips pull into a smile. "You are unique, Dean."

Dean snorted. "Yeah, tell me something I don't know. Not literally!" he clarified as Castiel opened his mouth.

The car settled into a comfortable silence for the next twenty minutes. The classic rock that was a staple in the Impala played softly, loud enough to substitute actual conversation. Sam let his head rest on the window and listened to the music.

When they finally reached the diner, Sam slid into a booth and was careful to not let it bother him when Gabriel shoved Cas into the seat beside him. Dean scowled at the archangel at his side, but didn't say anything. And really, this was better. Sam didn't have any uncomfortable thoughts about the man beside him, about the hard line of his leg pressed against Sam's own leg.

That would just be weird. Cas was irrevocably _Dean's_ , understood by all - even if the older hunter didn't admit it.

And Sam's attraction swung more to short and snarky as opposed to tall and quiet. Still, though, it was nice to have the comforting press of another being - human or not - beside him. One that didn't move away at the slightest brush of skin, one that wasn't using him to start the end of the world, or one that ended up being a monster he had to put down.

Sam mentally scoffed. Who was he kidding? Except for Jessica, everyone he had been with had been a monster. Even as a kid, he was drawn to it. Maybe Alistair's poisonous blood had done more than he had realized, warping his body and mind in ways he had never wanted to think about.

The arrival of their waitress pulled him from his thoughts. The four of them ordered and chatted as they waited for their food. Dean informed them that they were only about eighty miles from their next hunt, bringing Sam's thoughts back the oddity of his researching finds.

"I'll look and see if there are anymore weird vigilante killings once we get there. So far it was just the two, right?"

Dean nodded as he swallowed a mouthful of his coffee. "Right. Maybe we can get there and stop whatever it is before there are anymore."

"Yeah, you do love saving the day, huh boys?" Gabriel snarked.

"Pipe down, Shortstack. You're just mad we got the better of you. Three times, I might add," Dean sassed back.

Sam let out a short laugh, mostly at the affronted look on Gabriel's face. The humor was drained quickly with Gabriel's next shot.

"Three against, oh, two hundred? I think I win," the short angel said with fuck-you smile. Sam froze, his face losing its color as he tried to push down the immediate nausea that welled inside him. It was a losing battle. Sam quickly pushed at Cas, the angel thankfully understanding the need to move _and now_. Dean watched his brother make for the front door and sighed before turning to glare at Gabriel.

"You just can't leave well enough alone, can you? Always gotta make sure somebody's miserable. Move, jackass. I gotta go make sure he's okay," Dean all but growled as he made shooing motions with his hand.

As the hunter walked away, Castiel stared balefully at his brother as he stood beside the table. Gabriel refused to meet his eyes, instead staring down into his coffee cup, as if it held the answer to the universe.

(Which, of course, everyone knows is forty-two.)

"I won't bother to ask why, Gabriel, you insist on treating him so poorly. But I will remind you that Sam Winchester has been through more than any human should have to bear, most of it at the hands of angels," the seraph said quietly before he turned and exited the diner to join Dean in checking on the younger brother.

Gabriel sighed. "Yeah, Cas. I know."

######

Sam clutched his stomach and groaned miserably as he leaned against the side of the diner. He heard Dean's footsteps on the pavement and grunted, "I hate throwing up."

"Yeah, well, I hate seeing it. And hearing it. Come on, man, let's get you cleaned up," Dean said as he helped Sam stand. They turned to go back to the Impala, but Cas stood behind them. He held out a bottle of water and a washcloth.

"I thought these might help." His hopeful expression pulled a reluctant smile from Sam.

"Thanks, Cas," the taller hunter said as he reached for the bottle. A quick rinse - _"Geez, Sam, watch where you're spitting!" -_ and a few swallows of the clear liquid had Sam feeling much closer to normal. "I think I'm okay now. You guys go on back inside."

"I'm not leaving you out here by yourself, Sam," Dean protested.

"I'm okay, Dean. And besides, I don't really think I can stomach even smelling that greasy food. I'll just go to sleep or read or something."

Dean looked like he wanted to argue more, but Castiel's hand appeared on his arm and tugged him away. "We will be back soon, Sam," the angel intoned seriously.

Sam smiled weakly and waited until they were both turned away to let the expression fall from his face. He made his way slowly to the car, unwilling to move too quickly and get sick again. Once inside the car, he folding his long legs into a somewhat-uncomfortable position that allowed him to fit on the backseat. "This was so much easier when I was a kid," he complained to himself.

Despite the awkward arrangement of his limbs, he was asleep in minutes.

His reprieve didn't last long. It seemed to Sam that he had only been dreaming peacefully for a short while before his dreamscape was split with lightning edged in fire. The field around him shattered and exploded, leaving behind flames and the smirking face of Lucifer.

"You really didn't think you could get away that easily, now did you, Sam?" Lucifer asked smugly.

"No. You're not real! You're in the cage..." Sam grasped his head as pain shot through it.

"Oh, Sam. So easy to trick, to manipulate. Your body may have been strong enough to hold me, but your poor grapefruit is just not enough. You make up these realities to pretend that you didn't get stuck down here with me." With his words, Lucifer moved closer until he could whisper into Sam's ear, "Burning - _screaming_ \- begging. You beg so pretty, Sammy."

"Stop it! You're not real! Cas - Cas got me out. Cas saved me," the hunter whispered desperately as he fell to his knees.

Lucifer looked down at him with pity. "That little feather duster doesn't have the juice to pull a mouse from a trap, let alone pull your sorry self from the cage Dad himself built to hold me. You're still here, Sam. Huddled into a little ball in the corner, hoping it'll keep you out of our sight."

Sam's breath caught. "O-our?"

A sinister smile spread across Lucifer's face as he spread his arms wide. Three forms began to take shape on either side of him. Sam choked as he recognized them. "Michael. Raphael. G-gabriel?"

The horror on his face fed Lucifer's glee. "The gang's all here," the archangel said happily. The four forms advanced on the hunter and held their blades aloft. As the cold metal pierced Sam's skin, he screamed.

**######**

"Sam. Sammy!" Dean cursed as he shook his brother in a vain attempt to wake him up. "Cas, what the hell is wrong with him?!"

The angel in question laid a hand on the younger hunter's head, a focused look taking over his face.

Gabriel stood a few feet away, trying and failing to look unconcerned.

Finally, Castiel removed his hand. "He is trapped within his own mind, unable - or unwilling, perhaps - to wake up."

Dean let loose another string of volatile curses as he stared down at Sam's pinched face. They had left Sam alone for maybe fifteen minutes. What could have happened in that short time that Sam wouldn't wake up now? Suddenly, Dean whirled around and fixed Gabriel with a glare. "Help him."

It was not a request.

Gabriel glared right back. "What makes you think I can help?" he asked petulantly.

"Because you're an archangel! Most powerful being on Earth? So _do something!"_

The archangel made a show of reluctance before moving to take Castiel's place by Sam's head. The tall hunter was still in the backseat of the Impala, so Gabriel was forced to crouch beside the open door to place his hand on Sam's head. A bit of Grace, some digging around, and a little bit of luck finally showed Gabriel what Sam was seeing.

He immediately pulled his hand back as if burnt. "You have the worst kind of imagination, kiddo," he said softly. With a deep breath to fortify himself, Gabriel dove back into Sam's mind.

Only this time, he went all the way to Sam's consciousness - the part of Sam that was being tortured by Gabriel's brothers. A version of Gabriel himself stood at Sam's head, whispering into his ear. As the real Gabriel stepped closer, he felt sick at the words spewing from "his" mouth.

"You're an abomination, Sam. You deserve this and _more_ for everything you've done. You've killed _so many people_ , kiddo. And you liked it, too, didn't you? Liked feeling their hearts stop beating, seeing the life drain from their eyes. Kinda like those demons you drank. That's why I won't fuck you, you know. You're a tainted man. Dirty, dirty Sammy, wanting to fuck the archangel."

Unable to stomach hearing anymore, Gabriel snapped to dispel the nightmare. He frowned when nothing happened. It took him a few tries to realize that Sam was the reason it wasn't working. The poor kid believed that this was real. Gabriel wasted no time in moving to Sam's side, opposite the bastardized version of himself, and speaking softly into his ear.

"Kiddo, it's me. The _real_ me. You gotta listen to me. This isn't real. You're laying in the Impala, outside a crappy little diner with your brother freaking out and Cas is starting to worry and I... You aren't an abomination, Sam. You're so strong, kid. You beat my brother even when I couldn't. You're so much better than this - than me." Gabriel sighed and let his hand grasp Sam's where it was clenched at his side. "Sam, listen to me. This is all in your head. You need to wake up now. _I_ need you to wake up." Gabriel's gaze darted from Sam's face to their clasped hands.

A smile spread across his face as he felt those long fingers curl around his own. "That's it, kiddo! Keep fighting. You're almost there. Just a little more."

Light began to shine around them. Gabriel grinned and snapped.

**######**

Sam groaned and blinked at the bright sunlight. A sudden weight landed on top of him, forcing the air from his lungs. He tried to focus on the words he could hear close to his head, but only made out "stupid son of a bitch" and "stop doing this to me."

Dean, then.

With a half-hearted shove, Sam pushed at his heavy brother. Dean finally moved and Sam took in a deep breath as he sat up. "What...what happened?"

Dean scowled. "We found you twitching and moaning and you wouldn't wake up. You tell me."

Sam frowned. "I don't...I don't remember."

Castiel spoke up. "Maybe that is for the best. Gabriel informed me that it was not pleasant."

"Gabriel?" Sam questioned.

"Yes. I was unable to help you, so Gabriel went into your head and pulled you from whatever delusion you were suffering."

Sam looked around and saw Gabriel sitting nonchalantly on the trunk. As if he felt Sam's gaze, he turned to face the hunter. "Thank you," Sam said softly.

Gabriel tilted his head in acknowledgement before turning back around.

Dean gripped Sam's arms and shook him gently. "Let's get outta here, yeah?"

Sam smiled. "Yeah."

Before he could attempt to move to the front seat, Gabriel huffed and snapped his fingers to transport the hunter. "You're gonna wanna take it easy for a while, kiddo."

Before Sam could say anything, Dean slid into the driver's seat and slammed the door. "Let's go, people. Burning daylight!"

Gabriel rolled his eyes and appeared in his seat behind Sam. Castiel climbed into the back beside Gabriel and stared serenely out the window.

Dean glanced at Sam and gripped the steering wheel tighter. He was pretty sure he had heard Sam whisper Lucifer's name during his nightmare-that-wouldn't-end. Hopefully, it was just a one-time thing. He wasn't sure if he could handle going through Sam hallucinating the trapped archangel all over again. Hell, he wasn't sure Sam could handle it either.

With a last look in the rear-view mirror, he gunned the engine and tore off down the road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I'm being super mean to Sam. Might add some Gabriel drama in the next chapter to shake things up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I lied. I was mean to both of them. Ooops. :/

Sam, for once, was having a great day. They had finally made it to the town where their next case was located, they had found a pretty decent motel to crash in, and he was sufficiently distracted by the detective work to not think about the last few days.

Gabriel, however, was having a bad enough time of it for the both of them. He just couldn't get the other Gabriel - the one from Sam's nightmare - out of his head. Was that really how Sam saw him? As a bully who spouted the meanest things that could come to mind?

The archangel sighed miserably as he sat across the room from Dean and Sam, trying not to stare at the taller hunter as the two worked. Neither human bothered to look up at the angel's loud sigh - this was far from the first time it had happened - though Cas did glance his way from his spot in front of the television.

As another sigh left his lips, Dean finally whirled on him. "Dude. If you're so bored, go find out what the hell is going on in this town."

Gabriel glared at him, but Sam's weary expression as he finally met the angel's gaze tugged at him. "Fine," he said with a scowl. In a flurry of wind, he was gone.

Castiel's eyes widened as he noticed a single feather floating lazily downward to land where Gabriel had been sitting. _"That is not a good sign."_

Sam breathed out in relief as the shorter angel disappeared. It was getting harder and harder to be around Gabriel as more of the nightmare that he had been trapped in came back to him. So far, he remembered Lucifer and his taunts, as well as the shadowy spectres of the other archangels coming at him with blades readied. Nothing past that. He would wake with a gasp, covered in sweat, still seeing those menacing forms advancing on him.

But he still couldn't remember what, exactly, was making him so jumpy around the shorter man. He only knew that his whole body tensed up whenever he was around the angel.

Dean looked hard at him for a moment but didn't press the issue. Sam was thankful for it, since he wasn't entirely sure what he could say to explain. The hunter shook his head and returned back to the books in front of him.

Neither noticed Cas disappear a moment later.

####

Across town, Gabriel sat on a bench in the town's sad excuse for a park. He watched a few kids playing in the little playground, parents chatting and paying little attention to their charges. A shift in the air beside him informed him of his baby brother's arrival. "What?" he asked snippily.

"You are losing feathers, Gabriel." Castiel didn't look at the archangel as he spoke, unable to speak of such personal things while looking at him.

"I'm fine," Gabriel denied.

"Brother-" Castiel was cut off by Gabriel.

"I'm _fine_ , Castiel," the archangel snapped with more than a little bit of Grace threaded into his voice.

The younger angel nodded and said nothing for a few long minutes. Finally, he spoke again. "Perhaps I should return to the Winchesters."

Gabriel snorted. "Whatever you want to do, little bro."

When Cas stayed on the bench beside him, Gabriel sighed and sat back on the bench. "The strong and silent thing isn't gonna get me to talk about it, bro."

"I was not attempting to make you talk about it, Gabriel. I am simply here for...'moral support'."

When the seraph made air quotes, the archangel rolled his eyes with a half smile. "You're such a little dork, Cassie."

The two settled into a comfortable silence, broken by the laughter of the children across the way. Eventually, Gabriel cracked.

"What I saw in Sam's head...do you think that's how he really sees me?" the shorter angel asked quietly.

Castiel looked sharply at his brother, unused to hearing that note of almost desperation in his tone. "I am unsure, Gabriel. Do you see yourself in that way?"

"I didn't. But now I have to wonder if I've been seeing everything wrong," Gabriel admitted.

"Then perhaps you should reevaluate."

Gabriel sighed. "Yeah, I know."

Silence reigned once more.

This time, it remained unbroken.

**#########**

After hours of research and digging, Sam finally found the source of their vigilante. A teenager working at the local bank, dabbling in witchcraft and wanting to get back at people who were "being assholes" to people in need. In the end, four people died - all people in a position of power over others who were in a bad way.

Sam and Dean felt sorry for the kid. She'd had good intentions going into the whole thing, so the brothers didn't feel the need to gank her. Instead, after a once-over by archangel to make sure she still had her soul and a stern talking-to by Winchesters, the girl was free to go. After they confiscated her magic books, that is.

In all, a fairly disappointing endeavor.

After they returned to the motel, Sam collapsed face-first onto his bed and mumbled, "Why's it always kids? Why can't they do normal stuff like have unprotected sex?"

"Why Sammy! Are you condoning unsafe sexual practices?" Gabriel mocked from across the room.

Sam just grunted and rearranged himself into a more comfortable position.

Dean glared at the angel but left him alone for the moment in favor of copying Sam and flopping onto his own bed. An arm thrown over his eyes blocked out most of the light and the older Winchester was asleep in seconds. After a few minutes of attempting the same, the younger brother finally gave up with a groan and rolled onto his back. He contemplated the ugly ceiling for a moment before hauling himself up and glancing around the room.

When his eyes landed on Gabriel, sitting alone at the table in the kitchenette and absently eating a piece of cake, he sighed lightly and stood. As he made his way to the fridge for a snack - or a beer - Gabriel looked up suddenly at his movements, fork stuck in his mouth and looking like a deer in the headlights.

Sam tried to ignore the angel in favor of opening the ancient refrigerator and bending slightly to check its contents. Gabriel choked behind him, but the hunter ignored the sound. Finally settling for a half-eaten sandwich from earlier and a beer, he sank into the chair across from Gabriel.

The angel stared at him with wide eyes. When Sam finally looked his way again, Gabriel smiled slightly and asked, "Want some cake?"

Raising a brow, Sam demurred. "No thanks. I don't eat a lot of sweets."

"As a Trickster, I take offense to that statement. Nobody should go without sweets. It's unnatural," said Trickster argued.

Sam shook his head. "Chubby, twelve year old Sammy ate junk food like it was going out of style. I'm not going back to that."

Gabriel was silent for a moment before he tilted his head to the side in what was apparently an _angel thing._ "Is that why you don't like to be called Sammy now?"

"Yep." To avoid anymore questions, Sam took a big bite of his sandwich, followed by a huge gulp of beer.

For once, the archangel seemed to respect Sam's silent request for peace. They sat in surprisingly comfortably silence until Sam finished his snack and rose to throw his trash away. Before the hunter could move past him and attempt sleep once more, Gabriel gently grasped his wrist.

"Sam, I-"

Sam jerked his hand away on instinct. He glanced at the angel and saw the flash of hurt, but didn't have the strength to deal with his own issues _and_ the angel's. "Yeah?" he asked when Gabriel didn't continue.

"I, uh. I was just gonna say... I'm sorry. For what I've put you through." Gabriel coughed to cover the huskiness of his voice.

Sam stared evenly at the angel. "You really think that makes it all better? Two words don't take back all the months of Dean dying every day. Or that stupid TV land stunt."

Gabriel glared. "I stood up to Lucifer. I _died_ for you guys. I earned my Team Free Will stripes."

Sam glared back. "I went to Hell and was Lucifer's personal plaything. And Michael's, when he decided to join in on the fun. Don't talk to me about Lucifer until you've had him scrambling your brains from the inside out, until you don't know what's real anymore!"

Gabriel's retort was cut off by Dean's voice calling out, "Sammy?"

With a last glare at Gabriel, Sam crossed the motel and sank down onto his bed. "I'm fine, Dean. Go back to sleep."

The archangel was left to stare at Sam's still form, hurt and guilt and anger swirling in his belly. Just as Sam fell asleep, Gabriel took wing.

Leaving a handful of golden feathers behind.

The next morning, Gabriel was still gone. He didn't show when they ate breakfast, or when they started packing their things. He didn't show when the boys loaded the car and waited for either angel to show.

For almost two weeks, Sam and Dean were angel-free. To be honest, it was starting to freak Dean out that Cas had been gone for so long with no word. Sam pushed down his own worry for the snarky archangel. The man didn't want his affection anyways, so why bother?

Finally, Castiel appeared in the motel room they had crashed in for the night on the way to a new case. He was ruffled and unkempt, his expression one of worry. His eyes were icy blue, almost glowing with the power thrumming through him. "Have either of you seen Gabriel?" he questioned immediately.

"What? No. Cas, man, where have you been?" Dean demanded.

"I have been searching for Gabriel. When we last spoke, he seemed...off. Not himself. I am worried for him."

Sam put his book aside and sat forward in his chair. "What do you mean, not himself?"

"He was melancholy. Speaking of Hell and his time there. He grew enraged and disappeared, and now I cannot find him," the angel said.

"Wait, you mean Gabriel was in Hell when he died?" Dean asked skeptically.

"Yes, Dean. Lucifer sent his essence to the cage," Castiel said impatiently.

The younger hunter's face scrunched in perplexity. "If he was in the cage, why don't I remember that? The wall came down, Cas. I remember everything I went through down there."

The seraph looked to the heavens as if to ask for strength. "Gabriel did not wish for you to remember," he finally said. "I lied to you, Sam. I was not the angel who raised you from Lucifer's cage. It was Gabriel."

Sam felt the floor drop out from under him. "That's...that's not possible."

"I tried to bring you back after Father recreated me, but I simply did not have enough power," Cas admitted.

"But that means... Oh, God. Lucifer was right," Sam whispered to himself.

_"That little feather duster doesn't have the juice to pull a mouse from a trap, let alone pull your sorry self from the cage Dad himself built to hold me. You're still here, Sam. Huddled into a little ball in the corner, hoping it'll keep you out of our sight."_

Sam's breath began to quicken as panic overwhelmed him. Out of habit, he pressed his thumb into the scar on his left palm. Through the roaring in his ears, he heard Dean calling his name. He was simply too far gone to respond. It was almost as if Lucifer had wiggled back into his head, making him see things that weren't real.

The only problem was that now Sam was completely unsure of what _was_ real.

A sudden stinging pain to his cheek helped ground him. A second brought him firmly back to himself. He stared at his brother for a few stunned seconds before asked dazedly, "Did you just slap me?"

"Well, it worked. Are you back with us?" Dean asked gruffly.

Castiel stood a few feet away, concern etched on his face.

"I think so."

Dean sat back on his heels, watching Sam closely until the color came back to his cheeks and his eyes became less glazed. "Sammy, you gotta stop doing this shit to me."

Sam laughed bitterly. "It's not like I'm trying to do it. I told you, Dean. I'm poison."

Dean's expression turned thunderous. "Don't start that again."

Instead of replying, Sam just sighed and shook his head. Castiel cleared his throat and stepped closer before saying hesitantly, "I apologize, Sam. It was not my intention to cause you distress."

"It's fine, Cas. Don't worry about it," Sam said wearily.

The angel looked like he wanted to say more, but Dean shook his head. "Where do you think Gabriel's gone off to?" he asked to change the subject.

"I wonder if perhaps he hasn't gone to Asgard. The _Æsir_ can be a violent people when the occasion calls for it. He may be 'blowing off steam' in their realm," Cas said. The hunters tried to hide their grins at his use of air quotes.

"Well, if you find him, let us know. If we see him first, we'll send him your way," Dean reassured Cas. The angel looked relieved at the hunter's words and nodded his head gravely before disappearing in a gust of wind.

Dean turned sharp eyes on Sam. "Now, little brother. You get to tell me how, exactly, 'Lucifer was right'."

Sam sighed and bid farewell to his hope of some peace and quiet. "When I was stuck in that nightmare in the Impala. I saw Lucifer. He told me that...that Cas never saved me from Hell, that I was still in the cage with him. And...the other archangels. I can remember it up to the point where all four of them were coming at me with their blades, but that's where it goes black. So when Cas said that he really didn't pull me out..."

Dean finished the thought that wouldn't leave Sam's lips. "You started thinking this was all in your head again. I saw you do the hand thing."

"Dean, I can't go through that again," Sam whispered.

"I know, Sammy. We'll figure something out," the older hunter said softly. "Hey, maybe Gabriel can make you forget the rest of it? He already took some of it out, why not the rest?"

"I don't- Dean, I don't him in my head. I've had enough of angels and demons fucking around in my brain. I'll deal with it." The implacable set of Sam's jaw told Dean that he wouldn't be changing his mind.

"C'mon, let's crash. We've still got some driving to do."

Sam sighed and nodded. They took turns in the bathroom and settled in for the night.

**#########**

Some hours later, a loud thump woke them. Guns trained toward the sound, the brothers simultaneously reached for the lampswitch on the table between their beds. It took a few moments to process the sight that greeted them.

Blood-soaked feathers littered the ground around the intruders. More blood covered them to the point that they were almost unrecognizable. Finally, blue eyes met green and Dean felt his heart stutter at just how bloody Cas was.

Lying on the floor, one arm wrapped around Gabriel's battered form, the younger angel was a mess. He was bleeding from several deep cuts and even more shallow ones. His nose appeared to be broken, and his free arm hung limply by his side in an obvious dislocation.

A wounded noise - one that he would later deny - escaped Dean's throat as he scrambled from the bed to reach Castiel's side. Sam wasn't far behind, but headed for the other angel. "What the hell happened, Cas?" Dean asked tightly as he gripped the fabric of the angel's tattered trenchcoat.

"He was...with the Frost Giants. They...weren't happy...to see him," Cas wheezed, alerting Dean to broken ribs and possibly a punctured lung.

"Fuck, Cas. Come on, let's get you on the bed," the hunter said as he stood slowly, dragging Cas with him. The angel cried out pitifully as weight was put on his left ankle, which threatened to buckle under them. Dean held them steady for a moment before bending down to hook an arm under the angel's knees and lifting him smoothly. He didn't care how it looked, what Sam might say. He was just concerned with getting Cas safely to the bed so he could start patching him up.

Though, by the looks of it, Sam wouldn't have room to say much. He had already carried the ridiculously short angel to his own bed and laid him out, working on getting his bloodstained clothing off to better grasp the severity of his injuries. As bad as Cas looked, Gabriel looked twice as bad. Dean shook his head and focused back on Cas. He quickly fetched his belt and pressed the leather between the angel's teeth, warning the angel of the impending pain. The wounded man cried out behind the belt as Dean popped his shoulder back into place.

When he made to spit the belt out, Dean shook his head and reached up to gently push it back between his teeth. Cas realized why when Dean's hands reached for his nose. A crunching noise echoed in his head when the cartilage was forced back into place. From there, it was simple to clean the blood from the angel's wounds and sew the deeper ones. "Cas, why aren't you healing?"

"It took...too much Grace...to bring us back," the angel wheezed in reply.

Dean's jaw tightened and he nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He chanced a look over at the other two, but looked away quickly when he saw the wrecked expression on Sam's face.

The younger hunter was on a knife's edge when it came to keeping his emotions in check. As mad as he had been at Gabriel the last time they spoke, he was hurting just as badly now when he saw just how bad off the archangel was. His face was almost too bruised and swollen to recognize, covered in blood on top of that. His arm was broken, as well as one of his legs. Sam was pretty sure his fingers were crushed, if the swelling and bluish tint was anything to go on. He had several stab wounds and slashes crisscrossing his body, blood seeping sluggishly.

The fact that he was an archangel was probably the only reason he was alive.

Sam felt a single tear spill onto his cheek. He pressed the heels of his hands hard into his eyes to forestall any more. With shaking hands, Sam set to work cleaning the blood from the wounds and sewing the deeper ones closed.

For half an hour, the Winchesters worked silently to doctor the angels. When they were both finally satisfied that they had done everything they could, they were nearly as bloody as the angels themselves. There was even blood in Dean's hair, left there from the hunter running his hands through it in frustration. "What the fuck, Sam?"

Sam just shook his head, too emotionally raw to respond clearly. Seeing Gabriel like that - beaten to hell and completely unaware of what was going on around him - was bringing up feelings of despair and guilt. He couldn't help but feel like it was his fault that Gabriel was hurt so badly.

If he had just let the stubborn angel apologize and gone on about his business instead of getting angry and bringing up Hell and Lucifer and the cage, maybe Gabriel wouldn't have been so angry and gone in search of a fight he couldn't win.

When Dean gathered clean clothes and left to take a shower, Sam barely blinked. He stared at the unconscious archangel until Dean reappeared and forced him into the bathroom to shower. The familiar gut-wrenching sense of self-loathing washed over him.

_All my fault._

_I'm a curse._

_I'm poison to everything I touch._

_Everything I_ want.

_I destroy everything._

Sam clenched his fist against the tile of the shower and rested his head on his arm. He was going to make this up to Gabriel. His own feelings aside, he had to make things right.

Even if it broke him in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I think this may be the longest chapter yet. Which isn't really saying much since it's only 3.5k, but still. That's a lot for me. lol


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo I lied about the Frost Giant explanation. It just never seemed to fit anywhere. Maybe next chapter. :)
> 
> I don't think this one is quite as angsty as the others, but it's not rainbows and butterflies either. I'm torturing my OTP :/

For two days, Sam and Dean kept watch over the angels. Cas woke first, eventually, but wouldn't speak of what had happened. He stayed silent for the most part, only answering direct questions from Dean and all but ignoring Sam.

Sam tried not to be hurt, but it tore at him and cemented his guilt. Obviously Cas blamed him for this. But that was okay, since Sam blamed himself. His penitence was to care for Gabriel - wiping his brow when the fever finally broke, dripping water into his mouth to attempt to keep him hydrated, and hovering worse than Dean ever had when Sam was in need of a nurse.

Finally, late into the second day and long after Dean had fallen asleep - clutching Castiel's clothing, no less - Gabriel began to stir. Sam had been dozing, but jolted awake at the archangel's barely-audible whimper as he shifted in the bed.

"Gabe, hey. Don't move, okay? You're still pretty beat up," Sam said as he fumbled to grasp Gabriel's hand.

Whiskey-colored eyes opened slowly, blinking at the bright lamplight beside him. When the newly-awakened angel realized who was gripping his hand, he weakly tugged it away.

Sam frowned, confused, but let go. His brow furrowed as he watched Gabriel fight to stay awake. "You can go back to sleep, Gabriel. I'm right here, okay?"

Gabriel shook his head slightly before croaking out, "Cas?"

"He's asleep on the other bed. He's in pretty bad shape, but not as bad as you. What happened to you guys?" Sam asked. Gabriel's lips formed a straight line as he shut down. Sam backed off immediately. "Okay, won't ask that again. Do you need anything?"

The archangel shook his head again and closed his eyes.

Sam took in a deep, quiet breath and stood to move back to the chair he had been sleeping in for two days. Dean had no qualms in sleeping beside Cas, at least not while the angel was hurt. The hunter had even taken to grasping onto whatever part of Castiel was closest to him in his sleep. Sam didn't feel quite so comfortable sleeping beside the shorter angel.

Gabriel's breathing evened out finally, and Sam drifted back to sleep. He dreamt of fire, of pain, of mocking laughter. He woke with a start hours later, disoriented and unsure of what woke him. Moments later, he realized that Gabriel's whimpers had woken him.

The archangel was lying in a heap on the other side of the bed.

"Shit!" Sam cursed as he jumped up and bolted to help the angel up. "What the hell are you doing?! You have a broken leg, Gabriel!" he chastised as he lifted the shorter man as gently as he could.

"I realize that now!" Gabriel bitched. "Put me down!"

"I'm working on it, or would you rather me drop you?"

"I don't fucking care, just put me down!" the angel said sharply, his breath beginning to come faster. His body was tense and unyielding in Sam's arms. The hunter hurried to place Gabriel in the bed, wincing when the motion jarred the broken bones in the angel's arm and leg. Even with the homemade splints, the bones weren't exactly correctly set.

Gabriel grit his teeth but said nothing. He didn't breathe easier until Sam was safely back in his chair a few feet away.

Sam hesitated before asking, "Where were you trying to go?"

The angel glared at nothing across the room and didn't answer. Sam sighed and sank back into the chair.

The silence between them was cold and deafening. Gabriel stomach growled twenty minutes later. Sam looked awkwardly at Gabriel, expecting him to simply materialize something to eat.

It took him a few moments to realize that Gabriel shouldn't even _be_ hungry. Close on the heels of that thought was the realization that the angel was too weak to use much Grace anyways. The hunter stood and walked to the kitchen, intending to make the angel something to eat. Gabriel's words stopped him short.

"Why are you even bothering?"

"What do you mean?" Sam asked without turning around.

"I'm just a burden, right? The one everyone puts up with because they can't actually get rid of me?" Gabriel's words had a bitter tinge to them.

"What are you talking about? I'm fixing you something to eat. How is that a burden?"

“It just is!” the bedridden angel snapped.

Even while Sam realized that Gabriel was simply lashing out, he felt anger course through him. He continued to the kitchenette and slapped a sandwich together haphazardly. Moments later he thrust it at the other man and said tonelessly, “Eat.”

When Gabriel opened his mouth to argue, Sam cut him off. “The longer it takes you to heal, the longer you'll be stuck here.”

The angel glared mutinously and snatched a bite out of the sandwich. Sam tossed a bottle of water onto the bed beside him and returned to the chair. Silence reigned for a while, broken only by the sounds of Gabriel eating. When he had finished the sandwich and most of the bottle of water, Sam finally asked something that had been on his mind.

“Why didn't you tell me?”

Gabriel sighed and said slowly, “Gonna have to be a little more specific, Sammich.”

“About hell. The Cage. That you were there with me. Or that you were the one who brought me back.”

Emotions flickered across Gabriel's face too quickly to follow. Finally, he spoke. “I didn't want you to remember.”

“Yeah, but why?” Sam pushed.

“Because I didn't want to have to see the pity on your face.” Gabriel snarled. “Right fucking there!”

Sam ducked his head to hide his expression. His heart hurt for the angel. Voice low, he said softly, “It's not pity, Gabriel. It's sympathy. You know I've been there. I understand.”

“You don't understand anything,” the angel countered bitterly.

The hunter sighed and let it go, not wanting to upset the angel further while he was still healing. “Well, can we talk about what happened with the Frost Giants? Or why Cas is so mad at me that he won't even look at me?”

Gabriel glared at Sam's first question, which was answer enough, but the expression softened minutely at the second. He rubbed his hands across his face and breathed deeply before finally mumbling, “He's not freaking  _ mad _ at you. He's being a brat.”

Cue the signature  _ I'm confused _ head-tilt that Sam had perfected. “What do you mean?”

“Ugh. Can we maybe bench this conversation for later when our brothers aren't trying to sleep three feet away?” the angel groaned. (He had no intentions of revisiting said conversation.)

Sam blushed, having forgotten that the other two were even there. “Shit.”

Gabriel snorted. “Yup.” A moment later, he yawned. “Huh. That hasn't happened in a while. I guess I really am in bad shape.”

To Sam's shock, the angel didn't put up a fuss about going to sleep. Cas had had to be cajoled and bribed into sleeping. By comparison, Gabriel was already scooting down in the bed and making himself comfortable. Within minutes, he was fast asleep. The human had a harder time getting there.

What had Gabriel meant about Cas being a brat? Not knowing was going to drive Sam  _ insane _ . He fixated for long minutes, unable to sleep. Finally, a hand appeared in his field of view. It waved him closer and Sam, puzzled, leaned forward. 

Gabriel's hand landed softly on Sam's face, mapping it out for a few slightly awkward seconds. When the angel's fingertips found his forehead, Sam heard a quiet  _ shhh _ before everything went dark. 

He woke with a jolt a few hours later. Sunlight was streaming in through the windows, highlighting Gabriel's lounging form. He was awake, irritated, and not speaking.

Cas and Dean were up as well, sitting at the table in the kitchenette and speaking in hushed tones to each other. Sam grunted as he pulled himself up and stretched.

(Gabriel's eyes  _ totally _ didn't follow the long line of his form or zero in on that little sliver of tan flesh that became exposed.)

Muscles pleasantly stretched, Sam rocked on the balls of his feet before stepping toward his duffel and gathering his things for a shower. While Gabriel had been unconscious, Sam had rushed through his showers to get back to his self-imposed job as Gabriel's nurse. Now the hunter could relax and let himself enjoy the hot water running over him.

His good mood from the shower didn't last long. He exited the bathroom, clean and dressed and ready to take on the day. Dean and Cas were gone, leaving him alone with a grumpy archangel.

“Where'd Dean and Cas go?” he asked as he dropped the ball of dirty clothes beside his duffel.

Silence.

“Gabriel?” he questioned as he turned around.

The angel was awake, but had his head turned to look out the window. His head jerked when Sam called his name, almost as if he had to stop himself from turning to respond.

A weight dropped in Sam's stomach. “Gabe?” he said softly.

The angel's face tightened, but still he said nothing.

“O-oh,” Sam breathed. He nodded shortly and swallowed past the lump that suddenly formed in his throat. What had happened overnight that had changed the fairly amiable atmosphere between them into a tense, silent mess? What could he have possibly done while he was asleep?

Obviously, no answers were going to come from Gabriel. Instead, Sam was going to have to wait for Dean and Cas to come back. For now, he was going to do his best to stick to his vow to take care of the snarky archangel.

He started with tossing a bottle of water at him. The angel glared at him, but dutifully took a gulp of the liquid. Sam flopped onto Dean's bed and started flipping through stations, trying to find a decent show.

_Click_ . Commercial.  _Click_ . Weather.  _Click._ Soap opera.  _Click._ Inspirational movie. _Cli-_

“Seriously? Doctor Sexy? Okay, _Dean_ ,” Sam teased. 

Gabriel simply ignored Sam and stared intently at the screen. Sam sighed and turned his own attention to the tiny TV. It was almost an hour before Dean and Castiel returned, laden with bags of food. Sam rolled off the bed and tossed the remote at Gabriel on his way to the food.

Dean automatically handed the younger Winchester his bag of healthy grossness, moving on to the next to toss his own on the bed Sam had just vacated.

Sam took a bite of his salad and sighed as the flavors his his tongue. As much as Dean liked to mock his healthy eating, he did actually know what to get Sam that the man would actually eat.

It took Sam a few minutes to realize that Gabriel had been left out. Brows furrowed, Sam looked to the other side of the table to see an untouched bag. Looking inside, he found things that just had to be for the archangel. Candy bars, lollipops, and even a tub of cotton candy were mixed together inside the plastic bag.

“Huh,” Sam grunted to himself. He grabbed the bag and trudged over to the silent archangel, who looked up at his approach. Sam smiled and handed him the bag.

Gabriel snatched it, but his dark expression lifted when he saw the contents. He quirked a brow at Sam's expectant expression and simply nodded his head.

The hunter rolled his eyes and went back to his salad.

Dean and Cas shared a knowing look.  
  


**#####**

 

The next few days were mostly silent. The angels rarely spoke, and never to each other or to Sam. Castiel spoke to Dean, and Gabriel mostly just made snide commentary to himself. Aloud. _Loudly_.

It was a spot of badly needed amusement for Sam, who was beginning to feel unwanted again, as he had back when Castiel had called him “abomination” and refused to have contact with him. Dean was the only reason Sam still felt like he was even there, since the other two would hardly even look at him. Sometimes he would catch Cas giving Gabriel some pleading look, which Gabriel would summarily ignore and usually proceeded to flip his little brother the bird.

Things changed the morning of the day that marked a week since the angels' return from the Frost Giant's realm. He woke as normal in the chair beside Gabriel's bed, but the room was completely silent around him. He looked around blearily, waiting for his eyes to focus. When they finally did, he wished they hadn't.

Everyone was gone. The room was completely empty, even of their duffles and the wrappers from Dean's junk food binge. The beds were made neatly and the lights were all off. Before he fell too deeply into panic and despair, the front door opened to Dean hollering behind him, “Let me wake Sleeping Beauty in here and we'll head out!”

Sam blinked up at his brother (a nice change from always looking down at him) as Dean stepped fully into the room and closed the door. “What's going on?”

“We're heading out. Found a case up near Wichita. Awesome big brother that I am, I packed up all your shit and loaded it in the car so you could get some extra sleep. But we're losing daylight now, so let's go. Up and at 'em.”

“O-okay? Can I get a shower?” Sam asked, only slightly joking.

Dean rolled his eyes and tossed a bundle at Sam. “Hurry it up, Sammy.”

Sam shook his head and hurried through his shower and towel drying his hair. It was still a little damp, but he could tell that Dean was in a hurry to get going. On the way to the car, he noticed that Gabriel wasn't with them. He shrugged it off, thinking that maybe the other angel was in the little gas station a few yards away from the Impala.

As he folded himself into the front seat after tossing his clothes from the night before into the trunk, Dean began to pull away from the motel. “Aren't we going to wait on Gabriel?” he asked in confusion.

Castiel looked down awkwardly and turned to face the window, obviously dismissing himself from the conversation.

Dean glanced at Sam out of the corner of his eye, gauging the younger Winchester's mood. “He, ah. He left. Took off early this morning. Didn't really say much, just bassackwardly thanked us and winged it.”

“Did he- Never mind. So what's the case?” Sam prodded, trying to change the subject.

Dean sighed, knowing that Sam was going to take Gabriel's departure hard. “It's looking like a werewolf.”

Sam nodded and took great pains to school his face into a serene expression. He knew Dean would see right through it, but it still helped his pride to know that no one but his brother could see that the archangel's abrupt absence had hurt him so deeply.

“ _Get a grip, Winchester. People to save, things to kill. Focus on the case,”_ he thought to himself.

Castiel sat in the backseat, silent and fuming. Though he had not pried, Sam habitually thought very loudly, and the seraph was able to catch his half-formed thoughts of hurt and pain at Gabriel's leaving with no words, be they of goodbye or thanks, to Sam himself. 

“ _Gabriel, you fool,”_ he projected toward his wayward brother. 

Silence was all he got in return. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Gabriel continues to be an ass from afar, and Sam sinks even lower into self-disgust. Be ye warned, there are aspects of self-harm in this chapter, near the end. I will be adding this tag to the fic itself momentarily.

The hunt turned out to be much more than a werewolf. It was a whole pack. Four fully grown, angry, half-feral beasts who nearly got the best of the hunting party.

Cas' angel powers were the only thing that saved them. With a sharp "Shut your eyes!" he exploded with Grace and annihilated the creatures.

They didn't come out unscathed. Sam had broken his collarbone and clutched that arm closely to his side while Dean limped to the car after having his dislocated hip - caused by the shockwave of Cas' defensive maneuver - popped back into place. Castiel himself had been scratched deeply in the side, but was honestly the least injured. Reaching the car, they all sat and simply _breathed_ for a moment, thankful that they were relatively in one piece.

"Sam, once my Grace is returned, I will heal your break," Cas said tiredly.

Dean snorted. "What about me?"

"I apologize, Dean, but Sam's injury is more worrying. If I have power to spare after healing him, I will soothe your pain."

Sam snorted, on the verge of letting Cas know just how he could soothe Dean's pain. The black look his brother sent him nipped that in the bud. Sam juvenilely stuck his tongue out at the spoilsport. The lines of pain around Dean's eyes and mouth betrayed just how badly he was doing. Sam's expression softened and he asked, "Do you want me to drive?"

"Hell no," Dean replied immediately.

A few more minutes of silent recovery passed before Dean finally cranked the car and took off. Twenty minutes later, they pulled up at the motel. Seedy as always, the receptionist there had taken a look at the three of them the day before and started shaking his head and muttering about sin and evil. Cas had looked stricken until Dean had explained (loudly) that the kid thought they were a threesome and off to do immoral and debauched things to each other.

Castiel had tilted his head in confusion and said simply, “But Dean, you and Sam are brothers, and I do not engage in sexual activities.”

Sam had needed that laugh. The look on the kid's face as he handed them their room key had been priceless.

It helped to take his mind off of Gabriel's absence for a few minutes. Right up until Dean and Cas had left to question some witnesses.

Now, with the hunt over and all three of them in need of a few days' rest, Sam allowed his tight reign on his emotions to loosen somewhat. With the grimace of pain a permanent fixture on his face anyways, who would notice the grief lining his mouth or the melancholic droop to his good shoulder.

Dean called first shower while Castiel sat heavily on Dean's bed, waiting for his Grace to return so that he could heal Sam's broken bone. Sam arranged himself as comfortably as possible on his own bed, trying not to jostle his arm. Bone scraping against bone was not a pleasant experience, Sam knew for a fact.

The quiet sounds of Cas' breathing and the running water a few feet away slowly lulled Sam into a light sleep.

He wouldn't have even known he was asleep except for the fact that Gabriel was suddenly beside him. Sam jumped in surprise, further cementing the realization that this was a dream when he didn't immediately cry out in pain. His shoulder was completely fine – in the dream at least.

Gabriel smiled deprecatingly at Sam. “Oh, Sammich. You just can't stay outta trouble for long, can you?”

Knowing this was a dream, that the man in front of him wasn't really Gabriel, didn't stop Sam from replying. “What are you doing here?”

The archangel's smile turned mean. “I'm just here to make sure you don't forget, Sam-I-am!”

“Forget what?” the hunter asked wearily, knowing he wouldn't like the answer.

“That you're still here, baby boy!” Gabriel spread his arms wide as their surroundings bled away, fading into the flames and chains that Sam knew well.

His breath began to come quicker while his heart started beating double-time. Sam _knew_ he wasn't in Hell. But the sights and sounds surrounding him were just too realistic to ignore. Still, he tried to disperse the illusion, tried to wake himself from this nightmare.

Closing his eyes, he pressed hard on the scar of his left hand, helping ground himself. He worked on evening his breathing out, trying to control his heart rate.

Gabriel didn't allow him to do much more. Hands landed roughly on his shoulders, shaking him back and forth before shoving him down to the ground. Sam's eyes jolted open and he stared up at the sassy angel as the being twirled his angel blade deftly with one hand.

“I didn't say you could leave, Sam. We're just getting started.”

Just as the angel came at him with blade raised, Sam jolted awake.

Castiel stood above him, concern etched across his face. “I apologize for startling you, Sam, but you were becoming distressed. I hoped to prevent another episode like at the diner, since Gabriel isn't here to bring you out of such a thing.”

Sam felt the blow, unintended though it was, pierce his heart. It was _his_ fault that Gabriel was AWOL, he knew that. Thankfully, Cas didn't say anything else, simply moved back to Dean's bed to continue resting.

A minute later, Dean came out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel. Sam noticed that Castiel was unable to take his eyes off the expanse of skin that Dean was showing off. He snorted and shook his head. Everyone who knew them knew that Dean loved the angel, and that Cas loved the hunter in return. Dean was just too stubborn and stuck in John Winchester's ways to accept that love and act on it.

Until such a day came that Dean could finally let go of their father's impossible expectations of them, Sam knew that he would continue to make himself and Castiel miserable.

Although, judging by the smirk and side-long glance he sent toward the angel, Dean may have been closer to accepting it than Sam had thought. It was something that Sam had wanted for a long time – for Dean to be _happy_. He knew that the seraph would make Dean happy, even if it killed him. He had shown such devotion to the older hunter countless times before.

For now, though, Dean simply grabbed clean clothes and retreated to the bathroom to dress. Castiel let out a sigh and looked down at his feet. Before Dean could return, he stood and advanced on Sam.

“I believe I have 'recharged' enough to heal you now, Sam,” he said. The hunter nodded and allowed Castiel to place a hand over the broken bone, not quite touching skin. A sharp, searing burn and a _pop!_ later, Sam was rotating his arm and nodding at the lack of pain.

“Good as new, Cas. Thanks,” he said.

“You are welcome, Sam.”

Dean, fully dressed this time, exited the bathroom.

Sam stood and called the next shower. “Hey, Dean. While I'm in there, you should look at Cas' side. It looks pretty bad.” The tall hunter smirked as Dean rounded on the seraph, annoyed that he didn't say he was hurt.

“Cas, you gotta let us help with stuff like that! Take your shirt off, let me get a look at it.”

The door closed behind Sam before Cas' reply could reach him. The younger brother decided to take his time showering, just in case things got...heated...in the meantime. He doubted it, but miracles happened.

Not usually to the Winchesters, but they did happen.

*******

Later that night, while Dean was off on yet another food run, Sam asked Castiel a question that had been plaguing him for a while.

“Hey, Cas,” he began hesitantly. The angel's attention was immediately focused on him, making Sam trip over his thoughts before he could finally get them out. “When you and...and Gabriel were healing up from whatever happened with the Frost Giants-” 

Castiel's derisive grunt cut him off, but Sam continued when the angel said nothing. “Well, I was just wondering. Why did you ignore me?”

Castiel looked deep into Sam's bright soul, seeing how much he had been wounded by the unthinking seraph's actions. “My apologies, Sam. I thought, foolishly, that I might force Gabriel to interact with you. If no one else would, surely he would end the pain of your suffering, slight as it may be.”

Sam rolled his eyes.  _ “Slight. Yeah.”  _ Aloud, he asked, “If you don't mind me asking, what  _ did _ happen on Jotunheim? Obviously nothing good, as badly as they two of you were injured.”

This time, Castiel rolled his eyes. “Gabriel thought it a great idea to announce to Laufey, their king, that he had been impersonating Loki for all this time and that he was in truth the archangel Gabriel. When asked where Loki truly was, Gabriel apparently told them that he had 'run away to the circus'. They did not take kindly to his flippancy.”

“So...where is the real Loki?” Sam wondered.

The angel turned startled eyes to Sam. “Gabriel truly is Loki, Sam. He is not Laufey's true son, of course, nor is he Frost Giant, but the rest of the mythos attached to the Norse Trickster are all true. Gabriel told me that Laufey took him in early into his 'witness protection' after he fled Heaven.”

“Huh. I just thought he took over Loki's body or something.”

“No, the bodies the gods and goddesses use are vessels as well, not their true forms. Most of them are too large to inhabit the earth without causing destruction with the tiniest of movements. Or they are too dangerous to be around mortals without housing themselves in weaker flesh to mute their power.”

“Wow, that's...a lot to take in, actually,” Sam said with a half smile. 

“Sam,” Castiel began, only to hesitate when the hunter's attention was on him. 

“What is it, Cas?” he asked.

“It's nothing important,” the angel said softly, lying through his teeth. The words meant to reassure Sam that he was loved, that _Gabriel_ loved him, would not come – Gabriel's interference once again. _“If you will not tell him nor allow me to do so, do not ask for my help when you are most in need of it. For all your stubbornness and willful ignorance of his pain, your own pain may be well-deserved, brother,”_ Castiel projected to the archangel. While he could sense the other angel, Gabriel had hidden himself well. Moments later, Dean entered the room with their food. Castiel let go of the fragile connection he held to Gabriel. 

*******

Gabriel himself was not in the best of moods. After leaving the hunters and his baby bro, the archangel had winged it as far as his still-healing body would take him. He would have liked to have waited until he was at full strength, but being around Sam was too much.

The kiddo was all bright soul and puppy eyes and so frustratingly _helpful!_ Which sounded really stupid when Gabriel took a second to truly think about things, but he was past being rational. It was decided.

He was officially avoiding Sam.

He had already ignored a few prayers that the moose of a man had sent specifically to him, as well as more than a few sharply-aimed digs from Castiel.

“ _Willful ignorance? How is it ignorance of any kind when I can feel his pain more than my own? When his soul haunts me even across the damn globe?!”_ he thought to himself angrily. The anger fizzled out moments later and Gabriel heaved a sigh. _“It's for the best. Just gotta remember that.”_

*******

Sam mulled over Cas' words. The reason behind his cold shoulder a few days before made sense, thought knowing _why_ didn't exactly take away the hurt. He did understand why Gabriel hadn't wanted to talk about it, why he had taken the easy way out and simply vanished overnight.

That hurt was a lot harder to ignore.

But, as weeks went by and Sam got used to not having the short angel around, the hurt faded into a constant thrum that he could usually push into the back of his mind. The first few days, that hurt had been like a thunderstorm – ebbs and flows of emotion punctuated by lightning strikes of pain that nearly brought him to his knees.

Even so, the hunter sent prayers to Gabriel every once in a while. Just little things, telling him about their day, about an asshole witness that would have tickled the Trickster's fancy to punish, even the one time they found a shop in Overland Park, Kansas that sold the kind of candies and desserts that Sam just _knew_ Gabriel would die for.

It was _total_ coincidence that the store received a huge commission from one G. Winchester the very next day.

When the alert popped up on Sam's computer – having long ago installed the nifty software that Dick Roman had used to track Sam and Dean's aliases – that the purchase had been made, the hunter felt his breath catch. Anger followed quickly. He sent a blistering prayer to the archangel, curse words interspersed with the demand of why it was fine to use Sam's last name, but being around the Winchester himself was apparently too much to handle.

Sam didn't pray a lot after that.

The one shining light in the whole mess was that Dean somehow finally came to his senses about the angel that had been at his side for years.

It started with little things, things Sam almost didn't notice. When Cas was around, Dean was the one who stood a little too close. Dean was the one who stared a little too hard, mostly at Cas' lips, or the curve of his throat.

Dean was the one who, after announcing that he was going to bed, leaned down to oh-so-casually press his lips against the corner of Castiel's mouth before carrying on with his nightly routine.

(Sam didn't know that half of Dean had been desperate for Sam not to make a big deal out of, to just let it play off as normal, while the other half had been desperate for Sam to leave so that he could fully taste his angel's lips. That one little teasing brush hadn't been near enough.)

Sam, of course, simply blinked for a moment before rolling his eyes and going back to his laptop. Castiel had stared for a long while at Dean's prone form before Sam huffed and told him to go join the other man.

The next morning, the two had still been innocently wrapped in each other's arms, taking comfort in the warmth and love they had always shared, for all that Dean had tried to ignore it.

And Sam was happy for his brother – no doubt about that. But the sight of the two men sharing their quiet happiness made Sam's heart hurt like it hadn't since Gabriel had first taken off. And they both knew it, if the mournful (Cas) and protective (Dean) looks they cast at Sam constantly meant anything.

One day, about two months after Gabriel had left, a postcard was sitting on Cas' pillow when they got back to the motel after a hunt. It was from some little place in Greece, showing off the ruins of the local temple. On the back was a simple message written in a sloppy scrawl.

_Hey, little bro! Finally bagged you a Winchester. Congratulations._

Those words had driven Sam into an unneeded grocery run, but the angel had stopped Dean before he could protest Sam's words. Dean had seen Sam's hurt, but Cas had felt the younger hunter's anger.

Sam once again sent an angry prayer to the archangel. This one was more of a demand of why the angel couldn't leave him alone to give him a chance to move on.

(It was something that Gabriel couldn't have really answered anyways, even if he were answering Sam's prayers, since he didn't have a clue why he kept hanging on to the Winchester. Well, he did, but it wasn't something he would readily admit.)

As Sam sat in the Impala, rumbling in the parking lot of an abandoned gas station on the outskirts of town, his anger turned to sadness, self-doubt, and melancholy. The thoughts of worthlessness and knowing that he was only getting in the way of everyone else's happiness kept swirling in his head.

Almost in a daze, Sam mechanically turned the car off and pulled the keys from the ignition. He just wanted the pain to _stop_. With glassy eyes, he watched his hand grip the keys and drag the sharpest part across his arm. It didn't do much more than scratch the surface of his skin, leaving little more than a welt. A shiver trailed up his spine and Sam reveled in the sensation.

He did it again and again and again until his arm was almost entirely covered in the thin red marks. He pressed harder and harder, shuddering sighs leaving him at every pass. Slowly, the manic feeling began to recede.

Sam finally came back to himself minutes later, shaking his head as the haze finally cleared. Looking down at the sudden stinging pain, he sighed when he saw the damage he had inflicted. As he went to run his hand down his face, he nearly stabbed himself with the keys still held tightly in his grip.

Hysterical laughter bubbled past his lips as he leaned forward to rest his forehead against the steering wheel. Tears stung his eyes, but he blinked them away. For long minutes, he simply _breathed_ , pushing down the remaining hurt and anger swirling in his gut.

When he felt like he was back in control of his emotions, Sam cranked the Impala and turned the wheels back to the motel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. That happened. I feel so bad for Sam. It's gonna get worse before it gets better. :(
> 
> I'm working on the next chapter, so I'll try to have it out soon. Honestly, I'm looking at two, maybe three, chapters to go.


	7. Chapter 7

First up, big thanks and very happy birthday to [wibblywobblydemonydeducythings](http://archiveofourown.org/users/wibblywobblydemonydeducythings), also known on Tumblr as [KinkyLucifer](http://kinkylucifer-foundyourblog-and.tumblr.com/)! Seriously, without her this fic would not be half as good as it is.

And now on to the chapter!

* * *

 

After Sam pulled into the parking space in front of the room they were staying in, he tugged at his sleeves and made sure to cover the welts on his arms. No need to have Dean going mother-hen on him.

With a deep, fortifying breath, Sam exited the car and walked to the motel door. He hesitated only a moment before knocking (just in case) and stepping inside. Dean and Cas looked up from their spot in front of the tv as Sam walked in and shucked his outer layers, but turned back to the program they were watching as Sam simply sank onto his bed to take off his boots before collapsing backwards. Within minutes, the tall hunter was asleep.

Hours later, he woke suddenly and blinked a few times to clear his blurry vision. When he was awake enough to wonder what had woken him, Sam sat up and looked around. The room was empty, and the Impala's engine roared to life outside. _Ah, the door_. It must have closed loudly enough to jolt Sam from his sleep.

Yawning widely, Sam stretched before pulling himself into a sitting position. He sat there for a while, mind pleasantly blank and with no immediate worries.

It was a nice feeling.

His stomach growled, jolting him from his wool-gathering. The hunter reached for his phone and sent a text to Dean, asking what they were doing for supper.

Five minutes later, Dean still hadn't replied. Concern flashed through him, but Sam knew his brother could handle just about anything. Still, thirty minutes passed with no reply. With a sigh, Sam stood and pulled his boots on and grabbed his jacket on his way out the door.

He walked along the main thoroughfare, keeping an eye out for the distinctive black car that had been their home for as long as he could remember. Finally, he saw the tell-tale gleam of chrome and shiny black paint. When he saw where it was parked, he stopped short.

The Impala was parked at a diner.

Sam stepped a little closer to the eatery, searching faces inside through the windows until he recognized his brother. And Castiel. Dean and the angel were near the back of the place, sitting across from each other and laughing together. Sam felt a bolt of hurt even as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. He just had to see...

Without having to look at the screen, he dialed Dean's cell. He watched as Dean glanced down at the table, Castiel's head tilted as his lips moved – probably asking who was calling – and as Dean shook his head and allowed the phone to continue to ring. Sam could see Castiel's look of disapproval, but Dean still shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.

The phone in Sam's hand beeped, notifying him that the call had ended.

Turning away, the tall hunter slipped the phone into his pocket and cursed himself for thinking that he was anything special, even to his own brother. A voice to his left jolted him out of his self-pity, though he was quick to return as the words sank in.

“What did you expect, Sammy? Your brother is tired of bailing your ass out every other day. And, really, who could blame him for wanting to ignore you for a while? You can't even go thirty minutes without haring off to find him.”

Sam tried to ignore the flickering visage of Lucifer, but the archangel's words rang true. Just as he was turning to tell the too-real illusion to go away, his form flickered out for a moment before returning as Gabriel's.

“Kiddo, you know you're just a burden to him – to everybody. Don't let Sam near demon blood, he'll go off the deep end. Don't bring up the apocalypse around Sammy, he might start crying. Sam can't go on hunts by himself, he'll just end up hurting someone. Give it up, Sammich. You're useless. Worthless. _Trash_.”

The words were hurtful in themselves, but coming from Gabriel's lips made it that much worse. Lucifer could be ignored. Sam knew how to push the grating noise of Satan's voice to the back of his mind.

Gabriel was a completely different story. It was like Sam was hardwired to focus on the other man, unable to ignore him or push his words away. Tears burned in Sam's eyes, but he resolutely pushed them back, swallowing hard to rid himself of the lump in his throat.

With the archangelic figment of Sam's imagination haunting him the whole way, Sam slowly made his way back to the motel. Once inside, he stripped to his boxers and fell back into the bed he had left less than thirty minutes before.

As he closed his eyes and fell back into sleep, he had one last glimpse of Gabriel's grinning face as the angel smirked hatefully down at him.

Sam didn't wake until early the next morning, not even stirring when Dean and Cas returned to the motel.

When he woke, he stumbled to the bathroom for a quick shower. Clean and more awake, Sam plopped down beside Dean on the couch. When Dean gestured at the bag of breakfast food on the table, Sam just shook his head.

He didn't really feel much like eating.

In fact, he didn't feel like doing much of anything. For the next few weeks, Sam drifted along. He barely ate, slept in snatches when he wasn't haunted by nightmares of Lucifer and Gabriel, and didn't show much interest in anything except cases.

He knew Dean and Cas were talking about him. Whenever he walked into their vicinity, they would abruptly stop talking and glance guiltily at him. Sam ignored them for the most part, content to stay in his own little bubble. When he spoke, his voice was usually slightly hoarse from disuse.

He didn't really pray anymore. At first, he had tried to convince Gabriel to come back with a constant barrage of prayers and pleas, but he was at a point where he just didn't _care_ anymore.

Obviously Gabriel didn't.

When Sam did deign to talk, it was usually about a case. Hunts were the only things that seemed to distract the tall hunter from his melancholy – a fact that Dean used shamelessly to bring his brother back to reality for a short while.

Within a few weeks of his disassociated attitude, Sam had lost nearly fifteen pounds.

Dean tried everything he could to get him to eat, but Sam just didn't feel like it. Nothing really seemed to pierce the fog anymore – not even the cases that had once been his only focus.

But even with his mind miles away, Sam could tell that Cas was growing impatient with him. The looks of frustration and sometimes even anger that suffused the angel's face whenever he looked at Sam were evidence enough of that. The hunter could distantly feel the sadness and hurt over the knowledge that Castiel was so agitated at him, but it didn't really cut as deeply as he knew it should.

Nothing did. Not even when they started finding postcards tucked in their things, always from _G._ Platitudes and “how's the weather” banalities were the focus of the first few, but that soon changed to nonchalant inquiries about their rag-tag group. Every time they found one, Dean and Cas would glance worriedly at Sam – afraid he would freak out, most likely. After his reaction to the first one Gabriel had sent, it was no wonder. But Sam just couldn't bring himself to work up any kind of reaction. He was getting good at zoning out and ignoring his brother and the angel.

(It had mostly developed because Dean was a baby and kept thinking that Sam would mock him for actually going after something that made him truly happy. Well, mostly for banging a dude, but the rest of it was sort of included in that.)

Sam was happy for his brother, though. After everything Dean had been through, he more than deserved whatever happiness he could find.

But Dean would get jumpy whenever Sam was in the room while he and Cas were being “cuddly.” So Sam quickly learned to let himself just drift out, ignoring everything around him. And yeah, it worried Dean that Sam did this so often, but when it resulted in him being able to hold Cas close and not worry about Sam passing judgment? It shamed him to admit that sometimes he was thankful for Sam's Twilight Zone moments.

Cas was worried about Sam, as well. He had stopped keeping Gabriel updated on their whereabouts and daily lives – which he had started off doing just in case the archangel decided to remove his head from his ass and come back. The seraph figured that the radio silence had finally prompted Gabriel to act.

Just not in the way Cas had hoped. In his opinion, Gabriel should have come after them, told Sam exactly what he thought about the hunter – which of course was that he was the best thing since fire or the wheel – and, as Dean would so elegantly put it, “tapped that” ages ago. Still, he couldn't really deny his elder brother's requests for information. Whenever they found a new postcard – which always had a message written in Enochian for only Castiel's eyes, asking about Sam – Cas would dutifully send Gabriel a passing glance at their lives.

Letting Gabriel see through Castiel's eyes just how bad Sam was doing had been heartbreaking. Connected as they were, Castiel could feel Gabriel's sorrow as if it were his own. Gabriel hadn't been able to keep the connection open for long, afraid of just how much Castiel would see.

And unable to look at how haggard Sam had grown since the archangel had taken off.

It tore at Gabriel to see Sam so downtrodden and out of it. Usually, if the moose-maned man wasn't laying in bed no matter the time of day, he was simply sitting in a chair, staring into space. Those beautiful hazel eyes were almost always glazed over and unseeing unless Dean had commandeered his little brother's attention.

Dean himself was nearly at his wit's end. It was becoming harder and harder to snap Sam out of his funks, even with cases. He was sleeping most of the day and hardly ever ate anymore. His clothes were falling off of him, he had lost so much weight. Cas kept saying that Gabriel would come around, but Dean didn't see it happening. Not in time to keep Sam from any further harm, anyways.

Finally, he broke down and called up Jody. Surely she would know what to do. She was a woman, had been married, had been a _mom_. That was definitely something the Winchester boys had been sorely lacking through the years. Ellen had been great as a hunter, but her bitterness over John's involvement in her husband's death had been a snag in their relationships.

Jody, though. She'd know what to do. She had to...

“What the hell do you mean, he's unresponsive?!” Jody screeched through the phone. “Do you boneheads know nothing about shock and depression?”

“Uh, no. Not really,” Dean snapped back. “Look, can you help or not? At this point, I'm debating putting him back in a mental hospital.”

“ _Back?!_ Do you mean to tell me that that boy has already had issues with his mental health and you're just now taking an interest in helping him now?” Jody's disdain was more than evident.

“Well, the first time had more to do with the fact that Lucifer was rattling around his skull and wouldn't let him sleep for days at a time, but yeah. I guess you could say he's had issues before,” Dean said peevishly.

“You get that boy to Bobby's old house, Dean. I'll meet you there.”

And with that, Jody hung up. Dean sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face. “Cas! We're heading out.”

“Where to, Dean?” the seraph asked from across the room.

“North Dakota.”

***%*%*%*%**

When the Impala pulled into the drive of Bobby's old house – which had apparently been rebuilt since the Leviathan had burned it down – Dean felt like he was going to throw up. He had no idea what Jody was going to do or say once she got a good look at Sam.

A big part of the hunter knew that he deserved whatever she threw at him.

The sheriff was waiting on the front porch, hand on her hips, as Dean exited the car and made his way to open Sam's door. The taller brother was slumped in his seat, staring into space.

Jody's hand covered her mouth in shock at seeing what had once been such an animated boy; he was unkempt, his hair a rat's nest of tangles, his clothes were rumpled – though they did look clean, so kudos to Dean for that – and his face was gaunt and haunted. As they drew closer, she could tell that Sam was simply following Dean's direction like a child. His eyes were dark and unseeing, as if he were in a haze.

The horror Jody felt turned to anger when she caught the guilty look on Dean's face. Her hands went to her hips as she scowled at the older brother. “Dean Winchester, I am beyond mad at you. How could you let Sam get this low?!” she demanded.

Heat bloomed on Dean's cheeks as he ducked his head so that he didn't have to meet Jody's gaze. Before he had a chance to answer her, the headstrong woman had turned to Sam and gently laid a hand on his shoulder.

“Sam? It's Jody, Jody Mills. I'm going to take care of you now, okay?” The words garnered no reaction in Sam. Heart sinking with sorrow and dread, she took Sam's arm and led him inside.

Dean watched them go, his gut churning. Castiel stepped up beside him, a hand resting gently on his back in a show of silent comfort. The hunter sighed and shook his head, knowing he didn't deserve the comfort, and followed after his brother and the closest thing to a mother-figure they'd ever had.

The angel stared after Dean with sadness. Hopefully Jody could help heal both of the Winchesters while they were here.

***%*%*%*%***

Jody had Sam bundled into a bed upstairs, seated beside him and slowly combing her fingers through his hair. She had done this for Owen whenever he was having trouble sleeping. The memory of her sweet son was bittersweet, but she was thankful for the motherly experience now. Some of the rigidity had left Sam's body, and he was laying quietly as he listened to her speak about nothing in particular.

Really, she was just verbalizing the plot of the latest movie she had watched (LMN was a guilty pleasure), but the words weren't the point – it was the easy, even cadence of her voice that she knew would help calm Sam.

Before long, the hunter's breathing had evened out and he was sleeping peacefully. Jody felt a smile tug at her lips at the innocence of Sam's sleeping face. She would bet her bottom dollar that he – and Dean, for that matter – rarely slept so deeply, trusting that it was safe to do so. In her eyes, this was one of the biggest shows of trust Sam had ever shown her.

Finally, the sheriff stood and stepped carefully out of the room and closed the door quietly. She rested her head against the wood as she steeled herself for the conversation that was coming. With a deep breath, she stood and rolled her shoulders back before determinedly heading for the stairs.

“ _Ready or not, Dean. Here we go.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, guys. Time for a big question. I'm seriously debating how to end this story. I've got both a happy ending and a sad ending worked out in my head, but I can't decide! So please help me out and let me know what you, the reader, would rather have the ending be. You can comment on here or drop by my ask box on tumblr (http://megara09.tumblr.com/) and please excuse my crappy blog. Haha. 
> 
> Please and thank you. Hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of this one rehashes the boys' history. If I got something wrong, please let me know. I pretty much just went with my memory, so some things may be off. 
> 
> I want to make Sam better right away so freaking bad...
> 
> But I also want this to be a believable fic. If there's anything wrong with how I'm portraying Sam's condition, please let me know that as well.

Dean sat in the kitchen as he waited for Jody to settle Sam in. The chairs were different from what Bobby had once had – hell, everything was different. But someone had taken pains to make it as close to the old house as possible.

He blinked as a bottle of beer was plopped onto the table in front of him. The hunter glanced up to see Cas' face staring down at him with a small, helpful smile. Dean felt himself smile back and reached for the angel's hand, tugging him closer so the Dean could rest his head against his angel's stomach. Cas let his fingers run through Dean's short hair, unintentionally mimicking Jody's comforting gesture to Sam upstairs.

Taking a breath to speak, Cas was cut off when Dean shook his head.

“No, Cas. Don't say it,” the hunter pleaded.

“What am I not saying?” the seraph asked, no small amount of sarcasm bleeding into his tone.

Dean sighed and sat up, looking into the unnaturally blue eyes of his best friend. “You're going to tell me that this isn't my fault, but you're wrong. I should have kept a better eye on Sam. I should have known how much this was getting to him. Cas, he's worse than he was when Lucifer was knocking around in his head!”

“Dean, Sam is a grown man. He is going through an adult situation and is attempting to handle it in his own way. Perhaps staying numb to everything is his way of coping. Yours is alcohol.” Cas tilted his head and added, “And women.”

“Nah. Not the women. Not anymore,” the human said as he gripped the angel's hand. The two shared a look filled with emotion and promise, but footsteps echoing down the stairs had them both turning to greet the newcomer.

Jody stared unflinchingly at the pair in front of her. With a head tilt of her own, she asked sharply, “Is that,” she began with a nod to their clasped hands, “why you didn't notice Sam falling into the rabbit hole so deep?”

Dean looked away, guilt radiating off of him, but Castiel straightened, his chest bowing out and his wings puffing their plumage in a display of aggression.

(Not that either of the humans could see them, since they were on a completely different wavelength that was indeterminable to the human eye.)

Jody quirked a brow and crossed her arms. “Dean, I need you to tell me exactly what happened to bring us here. Start at the beginning and don't leave anything out.”

“You might wanna get comfortable,” Dean said humorlessly with a self-deprecating smile.

Jody settled into a chair in Bobby's old study, nodded at Dean when she was ready.

“When Sam was a baby-” Dean started.

With a sigh, Jody cut him off. “I'm serious, Dean. Relevant to the current issue, okay?”

“This _is_ relevant. Like I was saying, when Sam was a baby, a demon came into our house and was feeding Sam his blood. Mom caught him and he killed her. That's what started Dad out with hunting. Anyways, that demon's name was Azazel, and he came after Sam a few years ago and tried to get him - and the other kids that he had fed his blood to – to fight each other to the death in order to lead the armies of hell.” Dean paused as the memories of Sam's slack face and unseeing eyes swept over him. Castiel's hand slid onto his shoulder and Dean swallowed the bile to continue.

“When the angels came in, they kept calling Sam an abomination because of the demon blood in him. Ruby tricked him into drinking more blood until he was totally hooked on it, so that made him even worse in their eyes. Well, Sam ended up becoming Lucifer's vessel and took back control long enough to throw himself into the Cage that kept Lucifer trapped down in hell, dragging Michael – wearing our half-brother, Adam – with him.”

He stopped and looked up. “You with me so far?”

Jody's wide-eyed gaze never faltered. She nodded, afraid that if she tried to speak, more questions than Dean could hope to answer would fall from her lips.

Dean nodded and kept going, highlighting the background with the Trickster, then with Gabriel. “Apparently Gabriel was the one who brought Sam back from hell, but none of us know how or why. Anyways, the dick finds out that Sammy likes him and starts teasing him about it, being a...well, a dick about it. So he ends up taking off and getting his ass kicked by the Frost Giants – don't ask – and Sam helps take care of him until he's well enough to just bail again.”

When it didn't seem like Dean was going to say anything else, Jody blinked a few times before finally saying, “So how did we end up _here,_ Dean? Why is Sam laying in a bed upstairs, nearly catatonic?”

“Because Gabriel's an ass who made Sam feel like shit about himself so Sam started letting himself zone out so he didn't have to deal with it,” the hunter snapped.

Castiel spoke up. “My brother has ensured that I am unable to speak of his emotions regarding Sam, but I can say that he is hurting as much as Sam himself is. And Dean, I believe that you and I are partially responsible for Sam's moments of disconnect. He began them in earnest after we “got together” a few weeks ago.”

Dean rolled his eyes at Cas' use of air quotes, but felt the stab of guilt that told him the angel was likely right. “I wasn't sure if I was the only who who noticed that. I figured if we just didn't say anything, he'd get used to us and not freak out about it.”

“Dean, he was ensuring your comfort.” At the hunter's confused expression, the angel continued. “He noticed that you became uncomfortable with physical contact with me while he was around.”

Dean felt his stomach lurch. He had known that this was mostly his fault anyways, but he hadn't realized it was that bad. “So I...I really did do this to him?” he asked softly.

Jody butted in. “Dean, don't you go off the deep end. Honestly, Sam probably would have ended up here either way. Sounds to me like that boy has had a mental breakdown coming for a long time. You two just hang back and let me get him to open up some, okay? Take a day or two, maybe go find a quick hunt?”

Dean's first reaction was to deny Jody's suggestion, but Cas shot him a look of steel. The protest died in Dean's throat. Jody raised a brow at the silent communication, as well as the fact that Dean had backed down. Before long, she had practically shoved the two out the front door.

Upstairs, Sam was still sleeping. It didn't seem a particularly restful sleep, since the hunter was tossing and turning, whimpering every so often. Jody sighed and sat beside him, running her fingers through his hair like before. After a while, he finally calmed down and drifted into a more peaceful sleep.

Unbeknownst to the sheriff, it wasn't her mothering that helped Sam. Gabriel was perched invisibly at the foot of the bed, staring morosely down at the human he had tried so hard to stay away from. The fact that Sam reacted to his presence even when asleep spoke volumes of how useless an endeavor that had been.

With a silent sigh, Gabriel reached down and laid a hand on Sam's ankle. The jolt that passed through him had him jerking his hand back quickly. That was so not supposed to happen. The archangel cast a pleading look up to the ceiling. _“Why? Why are you doing this to me?”_

Frustration welled in his chest when (of course) his Father didn't deign to answer. With a low growl, he spread his wings wide and...froze.

Handfuls of feathers fell from his wings. Thankfully, they were mostly contour feathers, though some tertiary and a few secondaries fell out as well. Panic flared and Gabriel disappeared.

Calling on his Trickster magic, he simply teleported to one of his safe houses. Unlike using his angel wings, teleportation was a lot rougher on his vessel, though it had grown used to the mode of travel during his long centuries as a runaway.

Safely in his hidden home, Gabriel shakily made his way to the couch and flopped bonelessly onto the comfy piece of furniture. He sat for a few minutes, trying to regain his composure. Finally, he flopped his head backwards and closed his eyes.

“ _Fuck.”_

  
  


Hours later, Sam finally stirred. Jody watched wordlessly as he woke slowly, eventually sitting up in bed and staring blankly around. When he made no motions to get up, she sighed and stood.

“C'mon, Sam. Let's get you cleaned up.”

She led the tall man to the bathroom, feeling her old maternal instincts flare up as she coaxed him into taking care of his bladder as she ran bath water. She helped Sam into the tub and smiled at his trusting face staring up at her. She _ached_ for the hurt that she could see deep in his eyes, but knew that it was too early to try to address that.

Instead, she simply continued to clean the man up. She patiently washed his long hair, smiling when the hunter hummed in appreciation and leaned into her hands.

Helping to wash his body was tricky, but with a lot of gesturing and looking away, the two got things done. As they were working to dry Sam off (with Sam more hindering than helping, but she wasn't going to say anything negative to him), Jody felt herself laugh a bit hysterically. “One day, we are going to laugh over this, Sam. One day far in the future.”

“S-sam,” she heard the tall man say haltingly above her.

Jody's head shot up to catch Sam's eye and she smiled widely. “That's it, Sam. Come on back to us.”

The hunter ducked his head and wouldn't look at her, but Jody felt hope well up in her chest. However slowly, Sam was going to come back around.

And damn it if Dean was going to mess this poor kid up again. Not on her watch. From this day on, she was the new Bobby Singer – ready to call them both out on their stupidity and to help guide them when they needed it.

From the looks of it, the two of them would have never survived without the old, gruff hunter. Now that he was gone, Jody realized that they had been in sore need of an outside opinion, one tempered by age and experience, to help them out.

With Sam cleaned and dressed, they made their way downstairs and into the kitchen. Sam immediately took the chair that had been _his_ since childhood. Jody looked into the fridge and sighed at the empty shelves staring back at her.

“Well, Sam, good thing you got cleaned up. Let's go grocery shopping.”

  
  


Dean scowled for the whole first hour that they were gone, unable to stop worrying about his brother. Finally, Cas reached out and simply laced their fingers together. Dean glanced over and smiled tightly at the angel, squeezing his hand to make sure Cas knew he wasn't angry.

Not at the angel, anyways.

Dean had always been good at blaming himself, even when he wasn't truly to blame. This time, however, it was squarely on his shoulders. He should have seen how bad Sammy had gotten, how disconnected he had become. But Dean's own selfishness had take reign for once – something that he couldn't let happen again.

Even if it cost him his own happy ending.

With that thought in mind, Dean tightened his fingers around Cas' one more time before drawing his hand away and gripping the steering wheel hard enough to crack his knuckles.

Castiel held back a sigh as Dean's soul turned dark with self-recriminations and guilt. He knew that Dean was going to feel responsible for Sam's condition, but he hadn't realized just how strongly the hunter would despise himself.

As they tore down the highway to yet another case, the angel found himself praying.

“ _Gabriel, please answer me. Your decisions aren't only affecting you and Sam anymore. The web of your deceit has spread to include myself, Dean, and Jody Mills. If you do not fix this, I will find a way to tell Dean.”_

*********

Gabriel groaned as Cassie's prayer came through, rubbing his eyes as he tried to get rid of the grit there. Falling asleep after leaving Sam hadn't been in the plan, but the little bit of rest seemed to have helped. 

For the first time in months, the archangel decided to reply to his nosy little bro.

“ _Castiel, you don't understand. Dean was made for you. Sam...Sam was made for my brother.”_

“ _That is, as you would say, bullshit. And you know it. Sam's body may very well be the perfect vessel, but his soul is nothing like Lucifer.”_

“ _Cas, you were too young when Luce fell to even remember him.”_

Even across the mental link, Gabriel could feel Castiel's annoyance.

“ _You are so determined to be miserable, Gabriel. Why is that?”_

“ _I'm done talking about this.”_ Gabriel scowled and willed the younger angel to drop it. 

In the end, he sort of wished Cas had stuck to that topic.

“ _How are your wings, brother? Have they begun to fade?”_

Panic gripped Gabriel as he realized that Cas knew exactly how far gone he was.

“ _Nope. Not going there. Nice talking to you, Cassie.”_

Breathing deeply, Gabriel tried to get himself under control. He knew that he was headed downhill fast, but he didn't need the reminder. Before he could close the link between them, Castiel got one more message through.

“ _Gabriel, I was untruthful when I said I would not help you. You are my brother, and I will help however I can.”_

As high strung as Gabriel was at the moment, he wasn't very surprised to feel tears pricking his eyes. He sent a wave of thanks to the younger angel before gently closing the link and letting himself fall sideways. For once, the angel let himself  _feel_ everything he had been repressing. Tears streamed down his face, sobs wracking his body, as he cried almost silently for the first time in decades. 

Sometimes, you just have to cry. 

An eternity later, the tears stopped and Gabriel breathed deeply to still the last of the tremors in his body. He pulled the hem of his shirt up to wipe the lingering traces of his tears from his face before standing up and moving to the bedroom of the safe house. One thing he hated about crying was how tired he always felt afterward. 

He deliberately pushed the worries about his wings, his feelings, and the great cosmic joke that he seemed to be the butt of to the back of his mind as he shed his clothes with little thought and climbed into the comfortable bed. The angel tugged the covers up to his chin and closed his eyes. 

Like Scarlett O'Hara, he could think about things tomorrow. 

  
  


Jody knew that taking Sam into a busy grocery store was a risk, but she didn't have a choice if she wanted to feed them. So she guided Sam to her off-duty cruiser and off they went. Thankfully, they made it to the store at a slow hour. The sheriff kept a hand on Sam's arm, silently guiding him to the front door. Inside, they grabbed a buggy and got to work. Jody ended up letting Sam push the metal contraption around, since he seemed content to stay close to her.

Maybe some part of him recognized her? Whatever it was, the tall hunter was surprisingly calm and even helpful for the duration of their outing. Once back at Bobby's, Jody told Sam to go rest while she put things up and made lunch. She had seen the slow build of tension on the way home, but she didn't know what might have caused it.

Of course, she didn't know that Asia's Heat of the Moment carried such bad memories for Sam.

All she knew was that he probably needed to unwind. As she made sandwiches for them, Jody prayed for the strength to pull Sam back to himself.

With sandwiches and a can of soda in hand, the petite woman made her way to Sam's room. Instead of finding him asleep, Sam was sitting on the floor, legs crossed in front of him and cradling something in his hands.

His eyes were wet when he looked up at her, but there was little emotion on his face. Jody put the plate and can down on the table beside the bed and sat on the floor beside the hunter. “Whatcha got there, Sam?”

“Feather,” came the grunted reply.

“Oh, yeah? What kind?”

A shrug was the only answer to that, but Jody just smiled. The way Sam was holding the feather... He was almost reverent about it. “Is there something special about that feather?”

It took a minute, and Jody was doubtful that Sam would even answer, as few words as he had spoken so far. Finally, he said softly. “Feels...like home.”

Jody's brows drew together. “What do you mean?”

Sam closed his eyes and brought the feather close to his chest. He shook his head and clutched the feather tighter, unable to put the feeling into words.

Jody sighed and nodded. “Okay, well how about you put that thing down long enough to eat?”

Sam nodded, but he didn't completely let the feather go. He let it rest in his lap as he accepted the plate, his hand drifting down every so often to reassure himself that it was still there. Jody waited until he had finished his meal and had drunk his fill of soda before taking the trash from him and ushering him into bed.

She noticed that he was careful to have constant contact with the thing. And, really, she could almost see why. It was beautiful, almost a foot long and golden in color, shot through with hints of brown and silver. When she reached out to grab it, thinking to move it to the bedside table, a shock jolted her fingertips.

Snatching her hand back, she absently worried the pads of her fingers between her teeth to assuage the lingering itch. Brows drawn in consternation, she decided to text Dean. Even if he and Cas had no more clue than she did about that damn feather, at least they would know. And Dean had been adamant that she keep him updated.

With that thought in mind, she brushed her free hand over Sam's ridiculous hair and turned to make her way downstairs. As she was closing the door, she heard Sam mumble an archangel's name. With a heartfelt sigh and the shake of her head, she left the hunter to his dreams.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, but it's all Sam. Mostly just a recap of the last chapter from his POV. Not sure if I really got the mentality of it right, but I did my best. 
> 
> Of course, let me know if there's something glaringly wrong with it.

The best part of being pretty well trapped inside his own head, Sam mused, was that everything was muffled. Emotions, physical pain, even his senses. It made for an actually pretty peaceful vacation from the real world. It was nice for a while, until he realized that he really was stuck. And the more he stayed within his mind, the harder it was to focus on everyday things.

Things like Dean's love of loud music, Cas' inability to grasp most human idioms, even their tendency to pick out the seediest motels.

When Dean finally caught on to how deeply Sam was entrenched within himself, Sam could barely scratch the surface of coming back.

Jody was the first thing that stood out after months of living in a cotton bubble, everything fuzzy and disjointed. She made Sam feel like the lost little boy he tried to hide, desperately seeking redemption and love. Growing up, Sam had been afraid of bringing up his mother. After the first few times that John had barreled through their home for the night, tossing things around and finally slamming through the door in search of more liquor, after having Dean yell at him for even saying the word _Mom_ , Sam had learned to just let it go.

He had been repressing that little boy who just wanted a mother's love, someone to care for him and love him, forgive him for his many sins and remind him that everything would be okay. Jody helped soothe that long-standing hurt.

He knew that she could never replace Mary Winchester. But, at the same time, you can't really replace something you never had. Dean would never think of Jody the way Sam did, as a surrogate mother figure, and that was okay. Dean still had memories of their mother.

Honestly, Sam had no clue how Dean didn't hate him for taking Mary away. If Sam had never been born, had never been around for Azazel to poison, there was a chance that Mary and John could both still be alive. The thoughts of Azazel invariably led to memories of the ghost town, of Ava's betrayal and Andy's death, of his own death.

Sam, caught in the nightmares of the past, whimpered in his sleep. He knew he was dreaming, but he just couldn't seem to make himself wake up.

Just as the memories drew closer to those last moments – of seeing Dean and Bobby running toward him, of feeling a strong hand latch onto his shoulder just before a blade sliced into his back, severing his spinal cord – Sam felt himself calming. The darkness of that night was replaced with sunlight, the hurt fading away into nothing.

A figure began to take shape across from Sam, one that he _knew_ , but just couldn't place. Before the figure solidified enough to identify, a shock jolted through Sam. His leg jerked as the tiny sparks danced across his ankle. When he looked back up, the figure was gone, and so was the sun around him.

Sam was left once again in darkness.

  
  


When Sam awoke, hours later, he was greeted by the sight of the blank ceiling above him. He lay there for a while, unable to muster up any motivation to move. Finally, Jody coaxed him into the bathroom. He could tell she was sort of embarrassed at having to remind him to pee, but he couldn't really bring himself to care. His apathy was really starting to scare him.

In the tub, the hunter began to feel snatches of sensation again – the warmth of the water around him, the soothing motion of Jody's fingers scrubbing against his scalp as she washed his hair, even the roughness of the washcloth against his skin.

By the time it was time to dry off, Sam was finally beginning to feel more human. He tried to help, but his movements were disjointed and uncoordinated. Jody said nothing, just smiled and laughed a bit before saying something that Sam didn't really catch.

He did catch his name though.

“S-sam,” he forced out. With one word, his focus began to sharpen. He saw Jody's head jerk up, saw her lips move as she spoke again. All he caught was his name, but he could tell she was proud of him for just the little bit he had surfaced. Feeling unworthy of it, he ducked his head.

Jody didn't try to make him talk more, which sent relief through the hunter. He honestly didn't think he could make himself speak if he tried again. It didn't matter, though. The sheriff simply helped him dress and led him downstairs. He watched as she checked the cupboards and the fridge for something to make for lunch.

As she announced their pending trip, Sam felt the slightest niggle of trepidation in his gut.

The ride to the store was easy, allowing Sam to fall into the comfort of riding shotgun and listening to classic rock. He wouldn't have really pegged Jody for that kind of music, but he wasn't going to complain when it was like a balm to his soul. This was familiar, this was something that Sam was used to.

He stared out the window and lost himself to the sounds of electric guitars and voices roughened by cigarettes and booze.

Once inside the store, Sam relaxed from his worry that this was going to be rough. There weren't many people there, so he wouldn't be expected to speak. He got to push the buggy around, which was a simple enough task. He followed Jody around the store, silently watching her pick out things with the least ingredients, taking care to avoid additives that could be infected with Dick Roman's drug.

It wasn't until they were on the way back to Bobby's that Sam began to withdraw back into himself. He felt his heartrate pick up, his muscles beginning to tense – hearing Heat of the Moment always brought on a panic attack, but it seemed that he was just disconnected enough to avoid that.

Didn't mean he was by any means comfortable with it.

Jody must have picked up on his discomfort, because she sent him straight upstairs when they pulled up at Bobby's. The hunter trudged slowly up the staircase, allowing his mind to drift away. When he reached his room, Sam stopped short in the doorway.

There, at the foot of the bed, stuck between the mattress and the footboard, was a single golden feather. Some deeply-buried part of Sam came alive at the sight of it. He jolted forward and carefully plucked the feather from the bed, taking care not to mess it up.

The weight that had been crushing Sam's chest seemed to lift, a warmth spreading from his heart. Sam's breath caught as the feeling spread, making him feel more alive than he had in weeks. The sudden influx of raw, unadulterated _feelings_ sent Sam to the floor, his eyes burning as tears welled. He landed hard on his butt, but he cradled the feather gently, unwilling to relinquish it and the clarity it brought with it.

After a while, Sam heard footsteps coming up the stairs, then a slight knock on the door. Jody let herself in a moment later, juggling a plate and a can of soda. He looked up at her, waiting for her to say something.

He was glad she didn't mention the tears.

Instead, she asked about the feather. He grunted a reply, thankful that he was _there_ enough to speak again. Her second question, he didn't really know how to answer. It didn't look like any feather he had ever seen before, so he simply shrugged. The silence didn't last long. A moment later, she asked another question. This one, though, Sam had a sort of answer for.

“Feels...like home,” he said softly. Honestly, Sam didn't even really know what _home_ was supposed to be. The Impala? Whatever motel they were in for however long they stayed? Sam wasn't sure, but he knew that this thing, this fragile thing, gave him more of a sense of peace than he had felt in a long time. He brought the feather closer to his heart, where the warmth from earlier still burned.

Jody let him have his moment before prodding him to put the golden thing down so he could eat. Instead, he let it rest on his leg. It wasn't the same as holding it, but he could still feel it so it didn't bother him too much.

Sam finished his sandwich and followed Jody's lead, allowing himself to be tucked in. On his side, he held the feather close to his face, breathing in the slight scent of ozone and chocolate. A soft smile curved his lips as he fell asleep.

He didn't feel the jolt that zapped Jody when she tried to take it from him, only felt a wave of reassurance come over him.

For once, his dreams didn't turn to Hell, didn't echo his tragic life. He dreamed of sunshine and flying, the wind in his face and strong hands holding him close to a solid form. Of a laughing face and ridiculously soft hair, falling over whiskey-colored eyes.

In his sleep, Sam mumbled a name through smiling lips.

“ _Gabriel.”_


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I finally graduated! I'm no longer a student, so maybe I can work on this - and other fics - more often. :)
> 
> Huge thanks to Luce for reading over this and making sure it was okay. XD

Gabriel was sleeping when he heard it. It was just a whisper, barely even audible. But he heard it all the same. It didn't wake him up, but it sent him across the time and space (and dimensions) separating him from the one who had spoken.

“ _Sam.”_ Of course it was Sam. Still mostly asleep, Gabriel sighed as he rolled into the warm body next to him. Strong arms came up around him instantly, pulling him into a hard chest and causing a sleepy smile to spread across his face. He fell back into an easy sleep, unaware of the drama that would greet him later. 

Later came the next morning. The archangel blinked awake, his head still fuzzy and keeping him from realizing where he was – and from feeling the death glare aimed at him from across the room.

When he finally noticed the glarer, his head tilted in confusion. “Dean? Why are you in my house?”

An angry snort escaped the hunter. “Try again, shortstack. Wait, let  _me_ ask a question. Why the fuck are you in bed with my brother?”

“I'm not–. Oh. Well, fuck,” Gabriel said softly, now trying to keep the moosely man beside him from waking up.

“I'm not kidding, asshole. Why the fuck are you here? Haven't you done enough to him already?” Dean demanded.

Gabriel glared at the taller man, ready to do battle. The soft grunt and sudden shifting beside him cut him off. Before Sam's well-defined arms could fully wrap around him, Gabriel's eyes widened and he simply disappeared.

Sam came awake slowly, feeling like something was missing. A glance around the room told him his brother had returned. Feeling closer to the surface than he had yesterday, the hunter said quietly, “Dean?”

The scowl on his brother's face melted away when Sam spoke, and it made him realize just how worried Dean had to be about him. His first reaction was to apologize, but Dean must have seen it in his face.

“Don't say it, Sammy. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Sam let out a sigh at that, not quite agreeing with his brother but unable to really argue it. Instead, he simply shrugged and sat up. After a moment, his eyes widened and he looked frantically around, patting the bed and his pillow until he found the golden feather he had found the night before.

Dean's expression tightened as he remember what Cas had told him on the way back to Bobby's.

“ _I believe that Jody is speaking of a feather from Gabriel's wings, though I am uncertain of how Sam would have come into possession of one. Perhaps Gabriel has visited Bobby's home while we were away?”_

Watching Sam smile down at the fucking thing like it was the answer to all his prayers was just making Dean mad. Not because Sam was happy, of course. More for the thought that Gabriel had been here, watching Sam, while Dean was gone. And then to walk in and see the asshole latched onto Sam like a barnacle?

Hell, no.

It had taken everything in Dean to not shake the menace awake and demand he leave, but the older hunter hadn't wanted to wake Sam. And...he hadn't wanted to take away the smile and peace on the kid's face. It was the least angsty he had seen Sam in months.

Now that Sam was awake, Dean took a breath and plunged head-first into the icy water that was a conversation about... _feelings._

“Sammy...” Dean began. Hazel eyes suddenly fixated on him, freezing the words in his throat. The older hunter swallowed and and leaned his head back, looking up at the ceiling to avoid Sam's eyes. “I just...I wanted to say I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I should have been a better big brother and – Shit!”

Dean's words were cut off as nearly two hundred pounds of little brother landed heavily in his lap. Sam curled up as best he could in Dean's lap, clutching onto his brother's shirt and feeling his heart beat wildly in his chest.

Dean's own heart was pounding from the sudden jolt of surprise, but he recovered quickly when he realized why Sam's actions seemed so familiar.

As kids, when Sam was scared and needed comfort, he would clamber into Dean's lap and the two would simply sit in silence as they drew comfort from the rock-solid knowledge that they had each others' backs.

Dean sighed and brought his arms up around Sam, rubbing one hand up and down his brother's back. It wasn't the most comfortable way to sit, but it was fairly comforting, and Dean counted that as an acceptable trade.

The two sat in silence for a long time.

Finally, Sam worked up the willpower to speak. Just three words, but they brought tears to Dean's eyes.

“Shut up, Jerk.”

“Yeah, yeah, Bitch. Come one, let's go see if we can't throw some breakfast together,” Dean said as he wrapped his arms around Sam's long-limbed body in a quick hug.

The brothers made their way downstairs, finding Jody and Cas already seated at the table. The sheriff had a cup of coffee in front of her, as well as a copy of the local paper. Cas was simply sitting there, his hands folded on top of the table.

The two looked up when the hunters stepped into the kitchen, sending smiles their way. Dean ushered Sam into a chair beside Jody before moving to start cooking. Sam sat silently, looking away when Jody tried to catch his eye with a smile.

Castiel took in a breath and opened his angelic senses. The confusion and hurt radiating from Sam took that breath away. The angel's face morphed into concern and he lightly brushed his consciousness against Sam's. The hunter jerked in his chair and turned terrified eyes to him. Castiel immediately drew back, belatedly remembering how many times Sam had had his mind taken over.

Jody turned to Sam and asked what was wrong, reaching out to lay a gentle hand on the hunter's arm. Sam jerked away and out of his chair, stumbling backwards until he hit the wall. Three sets of eyes turned to him, ratcheting his anxiety even higher.

A sound escaped him, a high-pitched whine, borne of his fear and betrayal. Moments later, he bolted for the stairs. Back in his bedroom, Sam curled up on the other side of the bed, clutching his feather and trying to remind himself to breathe.

Downstairs, Dean glared at Cas, itching to go to his brother and soothe whatever damage had just been done. The angel flinched at the hunter's black look, but didn't let go of his arm.

“Dean, allow me. It was my fault. I attempted to psychically reassure him, but it did the opposite.” When Dean still strained against the tight grip, Cas shook him a little until green eyes met blue. “ _Please_ , Dean. Let me make this right.”

With a sigh, Dean relaxed against the angel's hold. “Fine,” he said, his teeth gritted tightly. He watched as Cas made his way to the staircase, the unearthly-quiet being making a rather lot of noise as he went. When he heard knuckles rapping against wood, he turned back to his aborted attempt at cooking.

Jody sat at the table, wide eyes staring down at the paper as she tried to stay out of what seemed to be a domestic issue. As a cop, you learn quickly that some things just need to be left alone. She kept her focus on the paper as Dean clanged around, finishing his attempt to cook.

Minutes later, the hunter sat heavily in the chair Cas had vacated, a plate clattering down in front of him. Silence reigned as Dean scarfed down his meal.

Finally, Jody spoke. “We're all going to make mistakes, Dean. The important thing is that we work together to bring Sam back to us. You know he only meant well,” she finished softly, talking about Cas.

Dean sighed and pushed his plate away. “I know, Jody. But what if that's a setback that keeps Sam from actually coming back?”

“Oh, Dean. Just have faith that things will work out.”

“Faith. Yeah, right. Sam's had more faith than most people I know and look how that turned out for him. He's been to hell, been used and abused by people he loved, and now he's being emotionally tortured by a dick with wings. Hell, most of his shit hands have been dealt by angels.”

“What I don't understand, and feel free to explain it, is why Gabriel brought Sam back at all. From what you've told me, it seems like the guy is just out for himself. So why put that much effort into not only saving Sam, but making sure he didn't remember being down there?”

Dean opened his mouth to reply, but closed it after a second. A determined look hardened his eyes. “You know what, Jody? Let's ask him.”

  
  


When Gabriel had vanished from Sam's bed, he reappeared in one of his favorite spots on Earth. In the middle of nowhere, somewhere in the South, he lay back in the grass and closed his eyes. This far into the backwoods, no one was around for miles and miles.

There was only Gabriel and the peace that came from solitude. Birds chirped all around him, a breeze ruffled the leaves in the trees, and Gabriel smiled.

He lay there for a long time, almost allowing himself to fall asleep. Before he could quite drift away, he began to notice a tug of sorts, somewhere in his belly. Moments later, the tug became a jerk, sending Gabriel careening through dimensions to end up almost right where he had run from earlier.

Only, now he was in the basement, surrounded by angel warding and some curious runes that looked like they were meant to hold Loki. For the moment, he decided to let them think it would work.

'Them' being Jody and Dean.

The archangel sighed as he waited for the inevitable tirade. Instead, Dean surprised him.

Rather calmly, the hunter leaned against one of the support beams and asked quietly, “Why'd you save him?”

For once, Gabriel dropped the act. Almost solemnly, he replied, “Sam's been dealt some pretty shit hands. I figured the least I could do for my part in that, however fun for me, was to save him from my brothers and take the memories away.”

“Oh yeah,” Dean snorted, “the least you could do. Why the hell couldn't you just leave him alone after that? Why'd you have to stick around and fuck things up even more?”

Anger flashed across the angel's face, but he held it back; while Dean's words were inflammatory, he wasn't exactly wrong. Gabriel _should_ have stayed away.

Add it to a long list of ways he had fucked up over his long life.

Shaking his head, Gabriel finally said, “I honestly don't know. I tried.”

Before he could say any more, Dean exploded. “You _tried_?! My brother is stuck in his own head because of your selfishness, and that's all you can say for yourself? No. No fucking way. You will take responsibility for this, Gabriel, if I have to make you do it myself!”

Fire lit Gabriel's eyes. His whole body seemed to glow as his Grace suffused his vessel. “You think so, _boy?_ You truly think you could _make_ me do anything?” The angel's voice was eerily soft, sending chills down the humans' spines.

Jody laid a hand on Dean's arm and tugged him until he turned away. Jody stepped forward and brazenly met Gabriel's gaze. “I don't think anyone, anywhere, could _make_ you do anything. But I think you know that this is something you _need_ to do. That boy up there is hurting, and you are one of the only ones who could possibly help him.”

The fire faded from Gabriel's eyes. “It's too late for that. All I could do now is hurt him worse. It's better that I stay away.”

Jody's face tightened in her anger, but she held onto her composure. “Better for whom?”

With that, she turned and walked away.

Dean turned back to glare at Gabriel. “You did this to him. With your selfishness, your need to have everything go your way, but never take any blame, and your absolute refusal to clean up your own messes. You know what? I'm glad you're leaving him alone. I could care less about Sammy being with a dude, but you? He's better off alone.” After scuffing his boot into the largest mark holding Gabriel in the basement, Dean turned his back on the angel and headed back upstairs.

Gabriel sighed as Dean's parting words echoed in his head. “Yeah, I know.”

A tug of Trickster magic later, Gabriel was gone.

Sam flinched when the sound of knuckles hitting the door reached his ears. He curled up tighter, pulling his knees as far into his chest as they would go, hoping that whoever it was would go away.

Instead, they entered the room.

Castiel closed the door behind him, then leaned back against the hard surface. “I apologize, Sam. It was not my intention by any means to cause you distress.”

Sam was too far gone to reply. Instead, he simply ducked his head and clutched the feather – something that was quickly becoming his security blanket – closer to him.

The angel sighed, knowing that words would not reach Sam this time. Cas came closer, moving to sit against the wall across from Sam. The hunter kept his head down and didn't look up.

For a long time, they sat in silence. Finally, Cas spoke again. “Sam. Will you look at me?” he asked softly.

Sam flinched, but raised his eyes to meet Castiel's. Fear was still evident in the hunter's eyes, but there was determination as well.

“Sam, I feel that I must apologize for many things. You are not the abomination that I once called you. Your soul is as bright as your brother's, and so much more damaged. I feel partially responsible for that damage.” The angel looked down, unable to meet Sam's gaze. “If I had not interfered, Lucifer would have never been freed. You blame yourself for the Apocalypse, but it is I who hold the blame.”

Sam's eyes widened at Castiel's admission. He had always wondered how the panic room door had mysteriously opened, allowing him to seek out Ruby. His brows drew together as Cas admitted his blame.

His earlier fear pushed down by the sadness in the angel's eyes, as well as Sam's white knight complex flaring to life, Sam scooted towards Cas. “No.”

Cas' head jerked up, blue meeting hazel in shock as Sam came closer. “No?”

Sam shook his head. “N-not your f-fault.”

The angel sighed. “Sam, I played a major part in setting you on the path that led to this point.”

Sam shook his head once again. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words wouldn't come. He clenched his fists as tears borne of his frustration welled in his eyes. After a few minutes, he finally found his tongue. “Not your f-fault, Cas. G-gabriel...Gabriel's fault.”

Cas smiled as Sam spoke, not for the words, but for the fact that he was speaking. Once the words sank in, his smile faded. “While I agree that your current condition is due to Gabriel, I feel that he is suffering as well.” At Sam's black look, he added, “Of course, he's still a 'jackass' for his actions.”

Sam nodded his agreement, his expression fading into amusement at Cas' air quotes. For a long time, the two sat in silence. Suddenly, Sam jolted.

“Sam? What is it?” Cas asked, concerned.

Shaking, the hunter clutched at Cas' sleeve.”G-gabriel.”

Seeing the real hurt and fear in Sam's eyes, Cas let his senses flare. Realizing that his brother was indeed in the house, he felt a rush of anger. Before he could rush downstairs to confront his brother and the hunter who had summoned him, Sam's fingers tightened in his jacket.

Cas sighed and settled back against the wall, patting Sam's hand and sitting in silence with him for the duration of Gabriel's “visit”.

Sam let out a long breath once he felt the archangel leave. His head thunked against the wall, tears burning in his eyes at the utter relief he felt. While interacting with Dean and Cas and even Jody felt normal and doable, the hunter had no idea how to interact around Gabriel.

So much had happened over the last few months, Sam just didn't know where to go. He still loved the snarky man, but honestly couldn't imagine a future where the two could be together. Gabriel had hurt him so badly.

But that was a problem for a different day.

For now, he had to focus on himself. Determination filled him as he took in a deep breath. Time to face his demons.

And _win_.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've taken liberties with Jody's husband, since we never really got any other info about him except his name. 
> 
> I also introduce a psychiatrist in this chapter. I've never been to see one, so I will inevitably make mistakes. Please correct me as I make them.
> 
> *The psychiatrist's name is Eileen, but she is most assuredly not the character from the show. This Eileen is an OC of my own creation.

It was slow going. For weeks, Sam slogged through his internal issues, from the guilt he carried for Mary's death to his grief over Ruby's.

But Sam was utterly determined to climb back up from the rabbit hole and never fall back down.

Dean helped, as did Jody. Cas was Sam's sanctuary, in that the angel never asked Sam for anything other than his presence. The two could sit in silence for hours – something that Sam sorely needed after a full day of Dean's chatter and Jody's well-meaning prodding.

And every night, when he lay down to go to sleep, Sam pulled out that damned feather. He knew – _knew –_ it was only going to prolong his stupid attachment to the bratty archangel, but he just...couldn't let it go. It was the only part of Gabriel that Sam had and, in a way, it was helping to bring him back.

Cas had spoken to him about it, saying that it was possibly a mixture of Grace and psychology that was helping. But even he couldn't deny that every time Sam touched it, he became a little bit more _himself._

It wasn't without struggle, nor without relapses.

But the breakthrough that _really_ got Sam over the biggest hump was the day that he let himself cry. It was a long time coming. For most of his life, Sam had been taught to see tears as weakness, as letting his emotions win. Letting go of that thought process, letting himself feel everything – truly feel it, down to the quick – took a while. In the end, Dean was the catalyst.

On a particularly hard day, when Sam found himself straddling the line between _there_ and _gone_ , frustration welling up inside him, Dean had stopped by Sam's position on the couch on his way to the kitchen. He had grabbed Sam's face in both his hands and, in a move reminiscent of their childhood, had pressed a quick kiss to Sam's forehead and whispered, “I'm so proud of you, Sammy.”

It had been high praise, back years ago, from the “cool” older brother, whenever Sam had gotten good grades, or made the honor's club, or had graduated to the next grade. The last time Dean had done so, Sam had just passed his driver's test. After that, Sam had been too self-conscious to allow the praise.

This time, it seemed to open the floodgates. Tears immediately filled Sam's hazel eyes, causing Dean's own eyes to widen in panic.

“Shit. Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry, Sammy!” he babbled, moving to let go of Sam and back away.

Sam surged forward, wrapping his arms around his big brother and burying his face in the other man's stomach, sobs wracking his shoulders as his tears quickly soaked Dean's shirt.

Dean, still freaking out a little, patted Sam's head for a while before finally pushing him away. The confused, hurt look on Sam's face tore at him, but Dean quickly sat beside Sam and pulled one of the ugly throw pillows into his lap. “Come on, Sasquatch. Get over here.”

A watery smile crossed Sam's face as he lay down with his head on the pillow in Dean's lap, curled up and letting the tears roll down his cheek. Dean rested his hand on Sam's shoulder, occasionally petting his hair. The kid had always found comfort in it, somehow. To Dean, it seemed like it would feel like being treated like a dog.

Given Sam's apparent obsession with having a dog, perhaps that was a factor.

For almost an hour, the brothers stayed on the couch, lounging and taking comfort in each others' presence. Sam's tears had long since dried, but neither wanted to move and disrupt the rare sense of peace. Moments such as these were fleeting.

Finally, Sam's stomach protested its emptiness. Sighing, Sam sat up and shoved his hair out of his face. He scrubbed his hands across his cheeks to rid the skin of the sticky, itchy feeling of the dried tear trails. Dean stood and stretched, grunting as joints popped and muscles burned pleasantly.

When they entered the kitchen in search of food, they found that Jody had beat them to it. She turned and smiled. “Hey, boys. Almost done. I was just about to come get you.”

Sam smiled back and sat down, Dean close behind. Jody began humming as she finished the cooking, a catchy tune she had heard on the radio that day. She tossed pot holders at Dean and Sam, waiting as they placed them on the table to put down the hot pots of food.

Dean grinned at the smell of baked beans and potato salad. “Jody, please tell you cooked up some good meat to go with this.”

Jody snorted. “Please. My husband was from the south. It's a _sin_ to not have ribs with baked beans and potato salad. And Lord forbid you make the beans without some kind of pork product in them.” With her words, she plunked down a large plate with ribs and pulled pork, both smothered in barbecue sauce.

It still hurt, talking about Sean and Owen, but it got a little easier every time. She still had moments of overwhelming grief at the memory of her sweet baby boy, crouched over his father with that dead look in his eyes. But she had help, someone who was slowly getting her past the horrors of her past and moving into the future.

And she was going to introduce that help to Sam.

Getting right to the heart of the matter, she sat down and fixed her gaze on the hunter. While he was still reticent and skittish, he was much more the outgoing and charismatic hunter she had known, and she didn't mince words.

“Sam, I think you should see a therapist.”

Dean nearly spit out the bite he had just taken of baked beans, “Jody, you can't be serious! Sam doesn't need a shrink!”

Jody ignored Dean and looked at Sam. The younger hunter had a thoughtful expression on his face, one that morphed into acceptance moments later.

Sam looked at Jody and firmly said, “I think that's a good idea.”

Jody smiled at the boy, glad that he was taking it seriously. Dean, however, was looking at Sam like he was (still) crazy.

“Sam! You don't need a freaking shrink! Look at you, you're better – and you did it all by yourself. You don't need a whackadoo with a few extra letters trailing their name to tell you what I already know. You're _fine,”_ Dean argued, trying not to let his desperation show in his voice.

In Dean's mind, if Sam needed psychiatric help...so did he. Deep inside, where no one could see, Dean was freaking out. Somewhere in him, he knew that he hadn't led the healthiest life – physically _and_ mentally – but it seemed a betrayal of John's memory to say it out loud, to admit that he and Sam were well and truly fucked up.

Moments away from saying something he would probably later regret, Dean was saved by Castiel's sudden appearance.

“Dean, is something wrong? I felt your distress.”

Dean sent a pleading look to Cas, then said, “I'm fine, man. Where'd you go earlier?” The question was more for a distraction than anything, but it ended up working a little too well.

With a hesitant look at Sam, Cas admitted, “I went to see Gabriel.”

Sam took a deep breath, refusing to let the name affect him. He took a bit of his meal and tried to let Cas' words wash over him without really listening. It didn't really work, but at least his poker face was in place.

“He is wreaking havoc in New Mexico, but he didn't seem to be quite as content with his work as I have seen him before,” the seraph reported.

With a snort, Dean took a bit of his ribs. “Let the fucker stew for a while, Cas. It's no more than he deserves.”

Jody grimaced. She could tell that Castiel was actually worried about the archangel, and Dean's words didn't help. “Maybe just give him a few days, Cas. Sometimes we all just want some time alone.”

“He isn't despondent, he's...angry. I don't understand,” Cas said softly, somewhat to himself. He truly did not see why Gabriel was fighting so hard against something that should have been as natural as _being_.

Then again, Gabriel had always liked to do things the hard way.

Sam took another bite of his food, tasting nothing but ash in his mouth as he chewed. He stared down at his plate, not wanting to meet anyone's eyes and let them see the pain he felt. _“He has no right to be angry. He_ left _. He didn't want to stay with me.”_

It seemed like, every time Sam got a leg up on his baggage, more would come tumbling down on top of him. Admittedly, most of it was due to Gabriel and his influence, but it seemed an endless battle – one Sam was growing more and more weary of.

Jody finally took notice of Sam's discomfort. With a sad smile, she laid her hand on his arm for a moment. “How about I make you an appointment with my friend, Sam?”

Sam swallowed hard and nodded at Jody, grateful that she wasn't commenting on the watery sheen in his eyes.

Dean, for his part, was trying to ignore that Sam was actually doing this. He was going to open up to a complete stranger about the hell that their lives had been growing up.

Forcing bravado into his voice, the older brother cleared his throat and said, “I'm gonna come with you the first time, make sure everything's okay.”

Surprised, Sam turned to Dean. “Are...you sure? It doesn't seem like...your thing.”

“Gotta keep an eye on you – you're a worse trouble magnet than Cas was in Purgatory,” Dean said cheerfully.

Cas glared at the hunter, but said nothing.

Thankfully, the rest of the meal went by uneventfully. As Sam sat and finished eating, he mused on his tumultuous feelings about the Trickster.

Like so many months ago, he still felt that tug in his heart toward the shorter man. The golden feather that he had found all that time ago was still tucked safely in the drawer of the table beside his bed – he took it out every once in a while, when he felt himself slipping back into despondency.

But at the same time, he truly didn't know if he really wanted to be around Gabriel. The one time he had felt the angel's presence, he'd almost had a panic attack.

Granted he had already been fairly upset after Cas' thoughtless mental intrusion, but still. What if he freaked out like that every time Gabriel was around?

With that weight bearing down on him, Sam knew it was for the best that Gabriel stay far away, as much as he wanted to simply look at the angel, to take in the easy smile, those golden eyes and soft-looking hair.

As much as Sam hated to admit it, he had had more than a few sexy dreams about the other man. The hunter didn't know whether to be grateful or disappointed that the dreams always ended before the big finish, though a few times it had come close.

With a sigh, Sam pushed his plate away. He had eaten enough to get by with, so he took his plate and scraped the remains into the trash before placing the dishes in the sink. He quickly pecked Jody's cheek with a kiss and thanked her for the food, then stepped outside.

There was a pile of wood waiting to be chopped, and Sam was willing to work off some steam.

He stripped to his undershirt and pulled on a pair of gloves before tugging the ax from the stump it had been resting in. He rolled his shoulders and got to work.

Within half an hour, most of the woodpile was gone, but Sam was still feeling antsy. He had an itch between his shoulder blades that wouldn't go away.

It wasn't until the wood was all chopped and Sam was piling it against the house that he finally realized what the feeling was.

He was being watched. The hunter froze for a split second before instinct took over. Carrying on about his business, he waited until he was done stacking the wood to stand and stretch his back, casting a curious look around as he did so.

There was nothing out of the ordinary, but that didn't mean anything.

Sam casually picked up the ax and made toward the stump he had pulled it from. At the last second, he flung the handle and watched the weapon rotate through the air before thudding into the side of an old junker sitting a few yards away.

Making his way to the old car, he stilled at the sight of fabric caught between the blade and the car. Sam tugged the ax away and frowned at the sliver of olive green cargo material. As he bent to pick it up, he froze as his fingers brushed the fabric.

A jolt traveled up his arm, freezing his heart and sending heat flooding through him.

_Gabriel._

How long had the angel been watching him?! He hadn't noticed until he was almost finished, so he couldn't really tell. But there was no mistaking his reaction to the angelic Grace clinging to what had to have been a piece from the Trickster's favorite jacket. 

Clenching the bit in his fist, Sam stood and grasped the ax, slinging it into the stump as he walked by. He snagged his shirt and trudged inside. Upstairs, he deposited the new thing into the drawer with the feather, then stripped and readied himself for a shower. 

Determined to forget the angel, Sam resolutely pushed all thoughts of him to the back of his mind as he showered. 

At least it answered the question of the panic attacks. 

  
  


Castiel immediately felt his brother's presence, and it rather shocked him. As soon as he could, he made excuses and disappeared, cloaking his presence and stepping outside, just around the corner of the house, to see what the older angel was doing. 

Gabriel was just standing there, leaning against a car and watching Sam chop wood. Castiel was shocked at the emotion on his older brother's face. Usually, Gabriel was a minefield of hidden emotion and misleading words and actions – meant to throw off any hint of true feelings. 

But now, Gabriel was staring at Sam with a look of such longing and sadness that Castiel felt his own heart hurt at the sight. He knew those looks well. For years, he had done his best to hide them from Dean, loving the difficult man but unsure of his place in Dean's life to admit to them.

Still, Castiel had never treated Dean's emotions so callously. Had never deliberately sought to inflict pain on the hunter. No, Cas just didn't understand his brother's thoughts and actions over the last few months. 

As the seraph watched over his love's brother, it seemed Sam finally realized he wasn't alone. Cas caught the moment of utter stillness before Sam carried on like normal. When he tossed the ax at his brother's form, Cas felt a smile tug his lips at the panic on Gabriel's face as he disappeared. 

Almost not it time. Cas saw the fabric from Gabriel's jacket flutter to the ground as Sam tugged the ax free. 

It made his smile widen, just a tiny bit, to know that Sam could take care of himself. For him to have known that Gabriel was there – even with the archangel fully concealed – spoke measures of how in tune Sam's instincts were. 

Yes, Sam Winchester would be fine. It was going to be a long, hard road, but he would get there. 

  
  


A few days later, Sam sat in the office of Eileen Rivers, fidgeting and anxious. The fact that Dean was sitting beside him, just as anxious, didn't help. 

“Dean, seriously, you didn't have to come. I'll be fine,” Sam said for the hundredth time. 

“Just checking things out, Sammy. I'm not letting some uppity know-it-all tell you you're crazy when I know you're not.”

An amused voice came from the doorway across the room. “I would hope that I don't come across as uppity, Mister Winchester, though know-it-all may not be too far off.”

Sam jumped and turned, a guilty flush covering his cheeks. 

A woman of about fifty stood in the doorway, an indulgent smile on her lips. “I've been called worse, believe me. Sam, whenever you're ready.”

Sam stood and glanced at Dean before heading towards the office. Dean cleared his throat and made to stand, but a quick look from Eileen stopped him.

“Jody told me you'd try to barge your way in here with Sam. I assure you, young man, your brother will be completely safe. After our session, you can come in and see for yourself,” the woman said with a smirk. 

Dean gulped and sat back down. As the door shut behind Sam, Dean tried not to hear death knells in the ticking of the clock.

An hour later, he jumped up when the door opened. Sam stepped through, looking haggard but, honestly, more alive than he'd seemed in months. The younger hunter even managed to smile sincerely for more than half a second when he saw Dean's worried face.

Eileen smirked at the older brother's relief. A moment later (because she wasn't heartless, she allowed the boy time to see his brother was just fine), she called out, “Okay, Dean. Your turn.” The good doctor took great pleasure in seeing the rugged face go slack-jawed.

“But, but the appointment was for Sam, not me. I- I'm not.. I mean...”

Eileen laughed and reassured him. “It's not a professional session. It's more of a meet-the-teacher session, if you don't mind the wording. Come on, now. I'm sure Sam is ready to get on home.”

Dean looked at Sam, noting the tired draw to his shoulders and how he slumped in the chair. With a sigh, he nodded and followed the shrink into her office. 

At a closer look, the woman wasn't so intimidating. She was shorter than Dean, but who wasn't? (Besides his giant of a younger brother, anyways.) Her curly black hair was generously salted with white strands. She was what Dean imagined most people would call “pleasantly plump.” 

As he sat hesitantly across from her, he spoke. “Look, Doc, can you just write it off that Sam's fine and let it go?”

Eileen shook her head as she gently denied Dean's request. “Your brother is hurting, Dean, and one hour of talking about the very surface of that hurt isn't going to even begin to heal him. From what he and Jody said, the both of you have led a harsh life.” She held up a hand when Dean opened his mouth to argue. “Children are not meant to fight the things that you two have fought. I have no doubt that it's left a lasting scar on both of you. Your brother said that you had finally admitted your feelings for your friend – Cas, was it? That is a tremendous step, Dean! You're breaking free from the past, from the fears that have held you back. Let me help Sam do the same. He's not as tough as you are, not in the same way.”

Dean swallowed, blinking past the wetness in his eyes as he forced himself not to protest, to scream out what a great father John had been. Eileen laid a hand on Dean's, the mahogany color seeming to spread warmth into Dean's cold skin. 

“I'm not going to try to talk you into seeing me in a professional light. But, if you ever need to talk, I am _more_ than willing to listen. After all, you boys saved my life.”

At Dean's questioning glance, she smiled sadly. “My husband, Grayson. He came back with the rest all those years ago. Four years after he died of a heart attack. If you two hadn't come around to our house, he would have gotten into the room with me and probably killed me. Jody, bless her soul, is one of the only people I can really talk to about it. She understands more than most.”

“I'm sorry,” Dean choked out, feeling overwhelmed. He wasn't used to being _thanked_ for doing his job.

“Oh, honey, it's okay. I accepted a long time ago that what came back wasn't really my Grayson. No, my husband is happy in Heaven. I would hope, anyways, else all those Sundays and Bible Studies never amounted to anything.”

Her blunt speak startled a laugh out of Dean. In a way, Eileen almost reminded him of Missouri. In the back of his mind, Dean began seriously contemplating taking her up on the offer to just talk. There were things inside of Dean – awful, dark, twisted things – that haunted him, made him want to claw his own heart out, or maybe his eyes – anything to get away from them. Mostly it was remembrances of his torture in Hell, but some of them...

Some of them were things that Dean carried in his soul every day. Innocent lives he couldn't save, innocent souls he had judged unfairly, every face of a loved one that he had gotten killed...

Yeah, maybe he would just take her up on that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And, as always, please let me know if I need to tag a trigger. I think I'll add some mental health points to the tags now, just to be safe. 
> 
> Also as always, thanks so much to Luce for your help with this one!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long! I tried to force something into the middle of this one, but it didn't work. I had to scrap most of it and start over. I like this version much better! 
> 
> This chapter should start the winding down of this fic. I have a pretty good idea of where it's going from here, and it's not too far off of where I had initially planned to end it. So, yay almost done! lol. Thanks so much for the continued support. You guys have seriously made this an amazing ride. :)

After just a month of weekly meetings with Eileen, Sam was more himself than he'd felt in a long time. He was finally able to talk about his fears, his self-loathing, the recriminations that pounded at him every day.

And he didn't feel guilty for it. That was the best part. Eileen didn't expect him to be unwaveringly loyal to his father's memory; she expected him to tell the truth about his childhood. She didn't give him looks of pity when he spoke of his time in the Cage – she gently told him that they could revisit those memories later on.

In all, it was a very refreshing experience for Sam. He had even unwittingly talked Dean into seeing the woman. Dean's appointments were steadfastly referred to as “check-ups” so that Dean could mentally reason that he was only checking up on Sam's progress.

Eileen would smile every time Dean oh-so-casually mentioned checking up on Sam, readily agreeing to see the older brother and nodding to her assistant to make the meeting.

Dean never talked about his own childhood, instead speaking of raising Sam. His voice rang with such love and pride as he talked about Sam as a child. As the hunter's tales moved on to Sam's exploits as a late-teen, Eileen noticed the change.

Suddenly, Dean was wistful – jealous, even. From what Dean _didn't_ say, the woman gathered that, though Sam had been berated constantly by their father, the older brother hadn't fared much better.

In fact, Eileen got the feeling that John could be downright abusive.

So far, she didn't feel that Dean was comfortable enough with her to ask that question directly, so she let it mull for the time being.

Besides the meetings with Eileen, Sam had been working on his attachment to the pieces of Gabriel he had squirreled away in his room. While Cas said that the contact with them was still helping, Sam was starting to realize that, mentally, it wasn't healthy.

He began to limit his contact with what he was starting to think of as talismans. Before his meetings with Eileen, he would steal up to his room and quietly open the drawer they were in, taking them out and just breathing as the sensation of _rightness_ flowed through him, almost a dozen times a day.

Now, he had limited himself to two or three. It was like an addiction, feeling the Grace beneath his fingertips and the tightness in his chest easing for a few moments.

But Sam knew hat this was something he needed to do. He couldn't rely on a feather and a scrap of fabric to cement his recovery. It had to be on his own terms.

Dean bit his tongue every time he saw Sam sneak upstairs, but he was trying to be supportive of the taller hunter. He knew Sam was struggling to kick the habit of going after the pieces of Gabriel, so he tried to ignore when it happened.

***

What neither hunter knew, what Cas was unable to tell them, was that those fleeting touches – that momentary connection of soul and Grace – was the only thing keeping Gabriel from losing himself completely.

Gabriel's gag order (or sorts) kept Castiel from telling the hunters many things. Every day, he grew more and more frustrated, testing the bounds of how much he could say at a time. And every day, that limit was just a little farther. On one hand, the seraph was glad that he would soon be able to speak of things more freely; on the other, he knew it meant that Gabriel was weakening further.

As he watched Sam grow stronger mentally, watched his soul shine brighter as the burdens of his past were dealt with, he could feel his brother's presence growing weaker.

He had taken to visiting Gabriel every night while the humans slept. The archangel groused, but he truly appreciated the gesture. He did grow weary of the younger angel's beratements, the constant harping about coming clean to Sam.

He _couldn't_ , though. Cas just didn't understand. His own human was oblivious to their true bond, but he accepted Cas as he was either way.

Sam didn't deserve to be saddled with the fuckup archangel who couldn't do anything right. He deserved so much better. So no. He wasn't going to tell Sam just how bad it truly was...

  


When Sam woke early on a Saturday, he didn't think anything of it. He'd gone to bed at a decent time the night before, so he just figured he'd gotten enough sleep to wake up early. He carried on with his normal morning routine, ending up at the kitchen table with a plate of eggs and bacon.

Halfway through his breakfast, a sudden pain in his chest had him inhaling eggs, coughing to dislodge the food from his windpipe. A sudden slap to his back helped immensely. Blinking the cough-induced tears from his eyes, he turned to see Cas standing beside him.

“C-Cas?” he coughed.

The angel's lips firmed into a line as he shook his head, simply gripping Sam's arm tightly before disappearing in a rush of wings.

When Sam could open his eyes, he gasped – almost choking again.

Gabriel was laying on a large bed, pale and shaking as his eyes stared sightlessly into the distance.

“Gabriel?!” When the archangel simply moaned, Sam turned to Cas in a panic. “Cas, what the fuck is wrong with him?”

“I can't say, Sam.” When the hunter turned to look at him with anger on his face, the angel said, “I _can't_ say. Gabriel made certain I couldn't speak of his affliction.”

“Come on, Cas, there's gotta be something you can tell me,” Sam pleaded. His hands shook with the need to touch Gabriel, to soothe him, but he clenched them and fought the urge.

Finally, Cas spoke. At first, it didn't make sense, but Sam caught on fairly quickly. “Dean and I share a profound bond, one that was forged when I pulled him from Hell. His soul grasped at my Grace and didn't let go. As he rose above the pit and the bond was sealed, his body was healed.”

Sam blinked for a moment before he understood. With wobbly legs, he moved closer to Gabriel. Never taking his eyes off the archangel, he asked softly, “Is he going to hate me for this?”

Castiel shrugged. “Even if he does, he will be alive to do so. If you do not do this, I fear he won't make it through the night.”

Swallowing hard against the lump in his throat at that thought, Sam sat gingerly on the bed beside Gabriel. The archangel rolled toward the new weight and moaned at the movement. When Sam laid a hand on his forehead, he sighed in relief at the cool touch against his fiery skin.

Sam smoothed his hand over Gabriel's hair and looked to Cas. The seraph nodded, but Sam caught a look of worry cross his face. “How do I..?”

“It will come naturally if you truly wish for it,” Castiel said gently. Sam nodded and closed his eyes, trying to will this to work. After a few minutes, Sam sighed in frustration. He watched as Sam bent down slowly until his forehead was touching Gabriel's, one hand bracing on the pillow beside Gabriel's head. The hunter's face screwed up in concentration.

For a long moment, nothing happened. Suddenly, Sam gasped.

Gabriel's eyes flew open, an unearthly glow making the honey color appear as gold. Sam was mesmerized by the sight, unable to look away or blink as he felt a strange warmth invade his body, spreading from his forehead to fill the rest of him. Gabriel's hand raised up slowly to rest on Sam's neck, gripping tightly and pulling him even closer. The point of contact was sacrificed as Sam had to tilt his head back.

Sam was pulled down until their lips were a hair's breadth apart, sharing each breath and focused only on each other. Cas was forgotten as Sam watched the archangel's eyes dart back and forth, breath hitching as a small movement on Gabriel's part caused their lips to just barely brush.

A sound escaped Gabriel at the contact, a small whine that had Sam's lips twitching. He didn't have much chance to be amused, because Gabriel's hand tightened and pulled him that last bit of distance until their lips were pressed together.

Sam gasped at the heat flowing through him. His eyes widened, watching as Gabriel seemed to heal between one moment and the next. His hollowed cheeks filled out, the skin gaining color to replace the pallor that had seemed so wrong on him. His limp, sweaty hair became the soft, golden mass that Sam had always wanted to touch – just to see if it was truly as soft as it looked.

On a plane that Sam couldn't comprehend, Gabriel's wings also regained their former glory. Cas watched in relief as the feathers seemed to spring from nowhere to cover the patchy bald spots, as the dull yellow brightened into the myriad gold and browns that hadn't been present for weeks now.

Just as Sam thought his lungs would burst from the lack of air, Gabriel let out a loud gasp as his back arched, pushing the hunter away. Lightheaded and dizzy, Sam could only stare as an unearthly glow began to radiate from the smaller man. The hand still clutching Sam's neck began to feel uncomfortably warm.

“I would suggest moving his hand somewhere that can be covered by clothing. The bonding leaves a physical mark,” Castiel suddenly spoke up.

Sam nodded slowly, his head feeling as if it were filled with molasses, before fumbling his hand to move Gabriel's. Feeling that his shoulder was a safe place – after all, Dean's had been fairly easy to hide – Sam moved the slightly-calloused appendage to his bicep. The fingers grasped at his arm, tightening almost to the point of pain, but Sam just gritted his teeth and closed his eyes.

A moment later, they popped open at a gentle touch to his face. He looked down to see Gabriel staring at him, his preternaturally-bright eyes boring into Sam's own. The hand that had brushed his jaw slid closer, fitting perfectly on the hunter's face to draw him closer again. As he was pulled inexorably closer to the angel, Sam noticed his lips moving, forming voiceless words.

As for Castiel, he alone heard and understood the archangel's words. His heart broke for the pair in front of him, knowing that their path would be tangled and impossible to traverse without a great deal of strength and determination – on both their parts.

When Gabriel's lips formed the last syllable of his unheard litany, a bright light once again emerged from the high angel. Sam's eyes widened as the light continued to grow. He shot panicked eyes to Castiel, but the seraph simply stood there unwaveringly. His heart beating like a drum in his throat, Sam turned back to Gabriel. As the glow grew too bright for Sam to keep his eyes open, his last sight was of Gabriel's back arching like a bowstring, his mouth open wide in a silent scream.

  


Dean Winchester was not a stupid man. He was rather intelligent, in fact. So when Castiel and Sam were suddenly both gone with no trace, he knew something Big had happened.

And it probably had to do with Gabriel.

Like a bad penny, the angel just kept hanging around, tormenting Sam with his continued presence. The past few months had been wonderful. Sam had been getting so much better, leaps and bounds every day. Jody had finally seemed to forgive Dean for his part in Sam's downhill plunge, making things less tense at Bobby's.

The only thing that kept Dean from going on a rampage when he figured out the two other members of Team Free Will were missing was that he knew they could both take care of themselves.

(And he didn't exactly know where they went...)

He distracted himself with working on Baby, reworking the engine and cleaning the interior. Jody came and went, taking long enough to eat something and catch a few hours of sleep before heading back into the station. She'd been complaining that they were short-staffed, everyone having to pull extra hours to cover the hours.

Finally, Dean had nothing else to fix or buff on the car. He sat in his usual chair in the living room, staring at the blank TV screen, trying not to worry. Finally, he jumped up and began cleaning. He would never admit it out loud, but cleaning was pretty cathartic. It was mindless, but he could focus his whole attention on it, to getting every little speck of dirt and grime from whatever he was cleaning.

Hours passed.

The sky began to darken, as did Dean's mood. The house was spotless, as were the guns Dean had moved on to cleaning. He'd even cooked supper. With nothing else to do, he finally prayed to Castiel.

“ _Cas, man, where the hell are you guys?”_

He strained his ears for the tell-tale sound of the angel's wings, but it never reached his ears. With nothing but silence to keep him company, the hunter sank deeper into his chair and let his head fall into his hands.

  


When Sam finally came to, he immediately glanced to where Gabriel lay on the bed, still as a statue. His eyes were closed, but his breathing was regular, his pulse a steady beat that Sam could see in his neck.

As the moments passed, the human became more and more aware of the pain in his body. A burning ache had set up in his arm, where he had placed Gabriel's hand, but a deeper ache radiated through his whole body.

“I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Is that normal?” he asked Cas. When no answer was forthcoming, he glanced to where he last saw the other man. “Cas?!” Sam yelled when he saw the angel in a crumpled heap. With a deep breath to fortify himself, Sam stood and painstakingly made his way over the the other man. Every step was torture, a description Sam wasn't one to use lightly.

Finally, he let himself fall to his knees beside Cas. When shaking him did nothing but pull a grunt from him, Sam sighed with relief that he simply appeared to be sleeping. Apparently the blast of Grace had knocked them all out.

Suddenly weary, Sam stretched out on the floor to allow his body to rest. Within moments, he was asleep.

*******

Some time later, he was shaken awake by a concerned Castiel. While he still felt like shit, he forced a smile to reassure the seraph that he was okay. “Gabriel?” he managed to croak out.

“He is still sleeping. Sam, I must go. Dean has become concerned over our prolonged absence.”

Sam nodded and made a shooing motion with his hand. “Go ahead. I'm just gonna lay here for a while and rest.”

The angel opened his mouth, hesitated, then said, “I will return soon.”

He was gone before Sam could reply. With a _thunk_ , his head landed back on the floor and he closed his eyes, letting sleep take him once more.

  


When Cas finally appeared in all his ruffled glory, Dean felt like slapping him. Deeming that too chick-flick of a move, he settled for grabbing the lapels of the ever-present trenchcoat and dragging the other man in for a rather punishing kiss.

Or, it started out as punishing. When Cas immediately responded, pressing closer to Dean and placing a hand on the back of his head to help tilt his head to the perfect angle, it mellowed somewhat. Finally coming up for air, Dean let his head drop down to Castiel's shoulder.

“I was worried,” he said softly, not wanting to admit it. “Where's Sam?”

“Sam is fine. I wanted to reassure you that we were both well,” Cas said.

“That didn't answer the question, Cas. Where the hell is my brother?” Dean asked again, drawing back to scowl at the angel.

When Cas said nothing, choosing to look away, Dean cursed and stepped back. “Are you fucking kidding me? Why, Cas? Why the hell would you make him be around that dick? He's gotten so much better lately, Cas. Why jeopardize that?”

“My brother was _dying_ , Dean. Surely you can relate to that – to being willing to do whatever necessary to save him. Sam is fine. I would not have put him at physical risk.”

“Yeah, _physical_ risk. But his mind is just something you can fuck with anytime you feel like it, huh?” Dean accused hotly.

Castiel stepped back as though Dean had slapped him. Though he had torn down the walls in Sam's mind blocking his memories of the time spent in the Cage, he had taken the damage unto himself later. Because no one ever spoke of it, he'd assumed that all had been forgiven.

Apparently, he'd been wrong.

When Dean saw the hurt on Castiel's face, a sorrowful look crossed his own features, but it soon hardened into steel once more. “You know how I feel about you, Cas. It ain't something we talk about, but you know.” He waited for the angel to nod before continuing, “But you can't just go around doing shit like this without talking to me first. I get that he's your brother, but Sam's mine. And he's the only one I've got.”

Once again, Castiel nodded without speaking. He turned to leave the room, intending to return to Sam and Gabriel, but a hand on his wrist stopped him. Dean sighed and tugged, drawing him close once again.

“I shouldn't have said that about you fucking with Sam. I know it's not true, and you fixed him – broke yourself to do it. I just... Dammit, I'm so _frustrated_ , Cas. I can't fix this for him.” Dean dropped his head onto Cas' shoulder once more. “I feel useless. More than ever. At least when Sam died, I could _do_ something to bring him back. I can't help him like this.”

Cas immediately brought his hands up to hold Dean close. “You're more help to him than you know, Dean. Your continued support keeps him motivated. And by visiting Eileen, you're showing him that he's not alone in his struggles with his issues.”

Dean made a scoffing noise. “Yeah, I'm fucked up, too. I know that.”

“That's not what I meant, Dean,” Cas said, reaching up to tug gently at Dean's short hair. “You both have suffered much trauma in your lives. Your hesitance to seek help has only hurt you both in the long run. Now that you're talking about the things that haunt you, it's helping the both of you open up more.”

Dean sighed. “Yeah, yeah. Cas, I really am sorry I said that.” The hunter drew back to meet the angel's eyes. “Listen up, okay? You listening? I love you. I suck at feelings and shit, so you won't hear it much, but I think this is a moment where it needs to be said.”

Cas smiled and leaned forward to press his lips to Dean's. “I love you more than the Heavens, Dean Winchester.”

Dean snorted. “Let's not get into your family issues,” he said sassily. “Seriously, though. Can you go check on Sam? Bring him home.”

Cas nodded and stepped away from his love, wings flaring out dramatically behind him. As he flew back to where he had left Sam and Gabriel asleep, he heard Dean's voice call out to him.

“ _Showoff!”_

  


Back at Gabriel's, Sam was waking up to find that he didn't feel as much like shit. His arm was still sore, his head still pounding, but in all it wasn't too bad.

He'd certainly been worse off after a hunt gone bad. He had just levered himself to a standing position, a bit wobbly, but still upright, when Cas returned. Without waiting for Sam to speak, the angel said, “Dean is fine. He would like for me to bring you home, though.”

“Not until Gabriel wakes up. I want to make sure he's okay,” Sam argued.

Castiel sighed, knowing from Sam's tone that he would not be swayed. “Very well. At least sit down. You're still recovering as well.”

Conceding his point, Sam sank into the chair a few steps away. “Why did you get knocked out?” he asked curiously.

“I had assumed I would be able to withstand the onslaught of Grace cast off from your bond. Perhaps because Gabriel is much more powerful than I, his Grace simply overwhelmed me,” Cas said in his gravely voice. What he didn't say was that the bond between Sam and Gabriel was much more powerful than what he shared with Dean.

No use borrowing trouble. They could deal with that later, after Gabriel had awakened. It was actually becoming worrying, how long the older angel had been out. With this in mind, the seraph stepped closer to the higher angel, laying a hand gently on his brow and sending his Grace through the smaller vessel. He nodded in satisfaction a moment later. “He is physically fine,” he reassured Sam. “I believe his vessel was simply exhausted from the strain. He should awaken soon now that his powers are once more healing it.”

Sam let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He relaxed his tense body into the chair, closing his eyes for a moment to regain his composure. When he opened them again, Cas was still standing beside Gabriel's still form, looking down at the man with a look of such profound heartbreak that it made Sam's breath catch.

“Cas, you okay?” he asked quietly.

“I'm fine, Sam. I was simply thinking how much I do not know about this brother of mine,” the seraph replied, sounding somewhat wistful.

Sam was saved from thinking of a reply by the soft grunt that came from Gabriel. The hunter shot upright in his chair, eyes immediately focused on the archangel. For a few moments, it seemed as though he had fallen back into his slumber. Finally, those bright golden eyes blinked open.

It took a moment for everything to sink in. Gabriel blinked blearily up at Cas, frowning at the worry on his face. A movement from behind the lower angel drew his gaze, every muscle in his body freezing up as he recognized Sam.

A moment behind the mental recognition came a new sensation – a movement of his heart and Grace that had his eyes widening in a confusing mixture of amazement and horror. His gaze flicked back to Castiel's, but the seraph was unable to look him in the eye.

Castiel's heart hurt at the betrayal on Gabriel's face, but he felt justified in his actions. “I couldn't let you die,” he said softly.

A wounded noise escaped Gabriel. He glanced back at Sam, lingering to take in every inch of the hunter he hadn't seen in so long. That new feeling arced through him once more, reminding him of his predicament. With every bit of hurt, betrayal, and fear he felt resonating through his voice, he whispered, “What have you _done?!_ ”

Before Sam or Cas could speak, the archangel was gone, leaving a broken heart and a wounded one in his wake.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be aware of the added tags! This chapter implies sexual abuse, as well as torture. It doesn't go into detail, but still. If this is a trigger to anyone, please message me on tumblr and I will be more than happy to summarize the plot points in this one.
> 
> Also, I apologize for the long wait for this chapter. I've been going through some personal issues.

Sam turned to look at Cas, hurt evident on his face. The seraph was at a loss for words. He hadn't thought Gabriel would react quite so harshly.

To abandon his newly bonded human, when the other man would need him the most?

Castiel hadn't thought the archangel capable of such cruelty.

“Sam, I apologize. I hadn't realized he would react so...harshly,” the seraph said quietly.

Sam swallowed and cleared his throat before answering. “It's okay, Cas. At least he's alive. If, uh...if you don't mind, can you take me back to Bobby's now?”

The last word squeaked out past the lump in Sam's throat. Tears threatened, but he refused to allow them to fall. He stood as Cas stepped closer, letting the angel grasp at his arm as they took flight.

The angel touched down with them standing in Sam's room. The thanks and relief on the hunter's face spoke volumes, though Sam simply nodded and moved towards the bed. He sat heavily on the mattress and let his head fall into his hands.

Castiel laid a hand gently on Sam's hair for a moment - something he had seen Dean do many times - before leaving the hunter alone with his grief.

As soon as Cas was gone, Sam pitched himself sideways on the bed and let go of the tight rein he'd been holding on his emotions. His visits with Eileen had helped open up to his own feelings, allow himself to show them.

Now, he wished he could go back to the numbness from before. This hurt was too sharp, too raw. As he pressed his face into the pillow, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs, Sam wished for nothing but nothingness.

After a few minutes of the heart wrenching, body-shaking sobs, he got his wish. Emotionally worn out, his still-weary body fell into a fitful slumber.

***********

Dean was going to kill an archangel. He wasn't entirely sure how, but he was going to rip the fucker apart.

When Cas and Sam had returned, Dean had immediately headed upstairs to check on his brother. Hearing Sam's quiet, shuddering breaths as he tried to cry quietly had Dean's anger and helplessness ratcheting up the longer he listened.

He stood outside the door, his forehead braced against the wood, until Sam had begun breathing deeply and evenly. Dean opened the door as quietly as he could, hoping to keep from waking Sam. It was like he had gone back in time to when they had first come here, seeking Jody's help. Sam's face, even in sleep, was etched with pain – made more heartbreaking by the tear tracks that had dried on his cheeks.

Crouching down next to the bed, Dean brushed Sam's hair back from his face. He sighed as his hand brushed a damp spot on the pillow. “Dammit, Sammy,” he said softly. He stayed there for a few minutes, wishing he could help somehow.

Finally he stood, grunting as his joints cracked. _“I'm getting too damn old for this shit,”_ he thought to himself as he slipped out the door. Downstairs, Cas was sitting on the couch, staring into space. Dean plopped down beside him and reached over to rest his hand on the angel's leg – far enough toward the knee so that Cas wouldn't mistake his gesture for anything but comfort.

“I'm sorry I said what I did earlier, Cas.”

“Dean, I'm not upset with you. It was a harsh blow, but one I feel I deserved. We've never talked about the ways I've wronged you. Perhaps we should have before now. At the moment, I'm more concerned with Gabriel and Sam. Things...did not happen as I had hoped,” Cas admitted.

“What the fuck does that mean? Cas, what the fuck are you talking about?” Dean demanded.

“Gabriel didn't simply bond with Sam as you and I are bonded. He...mated Sam, claiming him as the other half of his soul, as such. When he woke, he did not react well. I'm afraid I've made another mistake,” the angel said sadly.

“Cas, no. You saved your brother. I get that. Hell, I'm jealous. I've never been able to save Sammy when I tried. But you, dorky little fucker that you are, managed to save your brother _and_ get him hitched. All in one go.” Dean winked at Cas to show that he was (mostly) joking.

Castiel didn't respond to the joke. He simply sighed and leaned forward to rest his head in his hands. “I'm beginning to believe I'm cursed, Dean. Every time I try to do the right thing, it backfires and makes things even worse.”

Dean laughed humorlessly. “Cas, babe, we're all cursed. Sam's love life, my ability to keep my loved ones safe, you and your good intentions. But you know what? We keep trying anyway, because that's what we do. Team free will, Cas. We don't give up, you know that. So shut up, nut up, and kiss me.”

Dean's words startled a laugh out of Cas, and the angel turned to his lover and dutifully pressed a light kiss to Dean's lips. The disappointed sound Dean made when Cas pulled away made him smile before moving in for a longer, more fulfilling kiss. Dean's words had helped lighten his heart, and Cas knew he would not give up on Gabriel.

Even if the archangel wanted to be miserable.

  


As for said archangel, he was currently sitting in a sullen heap in an armchair in another of his safehouses. As he brooded, he tried very hard to ignore the tugging sensation that seemed to be centered in his chest. Less than ten minutes later, he sighed and realized that wasn't going to happen.

“ _Fuck._ ” This was exactly what he had hoped to avoid by driving Sam away.

Castiel was too helpful for his own good. His _help_ had broken the world twice already, and was shaping up for a third.

Why couldn't he just leave well enough alone? So what if he'd died? It wasn't like he was a paragon of society, someone that would be missed. Flickers of memory flashed across his mind. Gabriel shuddered and resolutely shoved the memories away.

Accepting that this wasn't just going to go away, Gabriel reached up and touched his chest. Just over his heart, the spot felt slightly warmer than the rest of him. The place was tender, but Gabriel had been through worse. Feeling with his Grace rather than with his vessel's human senses, Gabriel saw the golden thread that was looped around his heart and winded its way across the distance between him and his mate.

With a sullen sigh, he plucked the thread and watched it vibrate. A moment later, he felt Sam's surprise and suspicion. When the string “tugged” back, Gabriel jolted in surprise. He hadn't thought Sam would figure it out so quickly. But this was the “brains” of the Winchester duo. Of course it wouldn't take him long. A moment passed with Gabriel trying to hold onto his melancholy.

The light shining from the bond he now shared with Sam was too distracting. He gave up on ignoring it completely, deciding to inspect it and get it over with.

He'd never thought to have a bond such as this. Sure, he'd bonded with humans in the past much like Castiel and Dean, but this? This was a whole new take on forever.

Trying to assume a clinical manner about the whole thing, he poked and prodded, gauging reactions both in himself and – distantly – in Sam. Finally, almost an hour later, Castiel appeared a few feet away.

“Sup, bro?” Gabriel asked distractedly.

“Sam has asked that you cease whatever it is you're doing.”

Gabriel snorted. “This wasn't my idea, so he can shove it. I'm just trying to see if there's some way to undo it.” Not, technically, a lie. He'd noticed during his exploration that there really didn't seem to be an end to the “string” between them. It was as if it actually entered his heart towards the end, after which it transcended the human plane and twined around the crux of his Grace inside his angelic form.

It really was forever.

Gabriel was brought back to the present when Castiel let out a sigh. “Brother, I am sorry that we forced this on you, but I couldn't let you die. Of all my brothers and sisters, you have always been the one that I felt closest to. Even after you left.”

With a wince at the reminder, Gabriel turned to face his brother. “Look, Cassie, I'm not really that mad anymore. It was a helluva shock, but I'm just peachy now! So you can run on home to your pet humans and leave me alone.”

Castiel stared at him with such a look of intense puppy-dog sadness that Gabriel was tempted to take it back. Instead, he bit his tongue and watched resignation wash over the younger angel before he took flight.

With Cas gone, Gabriel relaxed into the couch and closed his eyes. Maybe if he went to sleep, he'd wake up from this horrible dream.

Sam woke from his impromptu nap feeling rather well-rested. He lay in bed to simply enjoy the feeling. No aches from a hunt, no weariness from spending the night in a crappy motel room on a crappy, lumpy mattress after a week straight of sleeping in the Impala.

It wasn’t something Sam was used to after growing up on the road, then the past few years with Dean. Stanford with its soft (if too short) beds and the apartment with Jess seemed so long ago.

Sometimes, Sam wondered what his life would have been like if Dean had never showed up that night. Would he be a licensed lawyer? Would he be married to Jess now? Would they have kids?! In the end, though, it didn’t really matter. It never had. Jess had been doomed to die the moment they met, according to Brady.

And, apparently, so had any other woman he’d loved.

Maybe that was why he’d been drawn to Gabriel in the beginning. He was an _archangel_ , for crying out loud! Very few things could hurt an angel of his power, let alone kill him. Even Lucifer hadn’t been able to keep him down for long.

But that line of thought brought about memories of the Cage, and the reasons why Sam avoided those was a list too long to even think about writing out.

With a shudder, Sam pushed those thoughts away and sat up, ready to face the world once more.

He stood and made his way to the bathroom, intending to take a shower. Halfway there, he stumbled and hit the wall hard, his heart thudding loudly in his chest as he tried to figure out what the _hell_ had just happened. His mind immediately turned to Gabriel, completely sure that the angel had something to do with it.

As though thinking about the man brought it into being, Sam suddenly caught sight of a golden thread coming from his chest. Curious, he tugged at it to see if it would come out. When nothing happened, he tugged the other way, pulling toward himself. He felt echoes of sensations and emotions that had to have come from Gabriel. Shaking his head and vowing to ignore it, Sam set out to begin his day.

Unfortunately, Gabriel had other plans. Sam did get his shower, even went downstairs and ate a hearty breakfast, but every action was interspersed with the odd awareness of every time Gabriel messed with the golden string of what-the-fuck. Finally, Sam begged Cas to go make Gabriel stop. The seraph wasn't gone long, but whatever was said between the two celestial beings gave Sam relief from the constant tugs – and also put Cas in a melancholic mood.

Dean glared at Sam every time Cas let out a mournful sigh, but Sam just shrugged. It wasn't his fault that Gabriel was a dick even to his own brother. Gabriel was his own master, and he would have to answer for his own actions one day.

The first few days with the new bond were interesting, to say the least. Sam would be hit with sudden mood swings, cravings for foods he had never tried or hadn't thought of for years. It wasn't long before he realized that he was catching it second-hand from Gabriel. Once he'd figured it out, he focused on projecting his own cravings – mostly for salads and fruit – toward the archangel. Just for kicks.

After a week or so, the side effects of the bond took an unwanted turn. Sam was searching through an old tome, looking for clues as to what creature Garth had called about, when flames flared up around him.

His breath caught in his throat, Sam froze. He could feel his heart skip a beat, then another, before it began pounding into overdrive. A strangled whimper escaped him.

As his pulse sped steadily faster, the hunter grew dizzy as fear and despair enveloped him. It had been so long since he'd had a hallucination of Hell that he truly hadn't remembered just how _real_ it felt.

Suddenly, the bond between himself and Gabriel pulsed and grew brighter. Reminded of the tether to something physical, Sam latched onto it as hard as he could and _pulled_.

*********

When he went to sleep, Gabriel did not expect to dream of the Cage. Nor did he particularly want to, thank you very much. But, the sad truth of the matter was that the archangel who had once smote entire cities...had PTSD.

Of course, that was practically a given for anyone who survived decades upon decades of torture and abuse doled out by two pissed off elder brothers who had nothing better to do.

Still, Gabriel tried to keep his affliction on the down-low. It just wouldn't do for his former friends and current frienemies to know that flames of just about any kind would send him reeling back to those endless days in Hell, or that the rattling of chains would break him out in a cold sweat as he tensed for a sudden blow. Or that...

Well, you get the picture.

So this particular day, Gabriel was having a not-so-great time in his most recent nightmare visitation with his brothers when he was suddenly and quite forcefully – and literally – yanked from his sleep. He thudded to the floor, landing gracelessly on his ass – which, incidentally, woke him the rest of the way up. He blinked at his surroundings, not recognizing anything until his golden gaze landed on the terrified visage of his soulfully married mate.

Sam didn't even seem to see him. His eyes were open wide and dilated to the point that Gabriel couldn't even see the color, just the black from his pupil against the whites. They darted back and forth, searching for some invisible foe. A whimper escaped him as he flinched back suddenly.

“No, please,” Sam whispered to the form in front of him – the one only he could see, though he didn't know that.

Lucifer strolled forward, angel blade in hand, and grinned. “Back again, Sammy boy? It's been so long since your last visit. We have so much to catch up on.”

Sam clutched at his scarred hand, rubbing the old wound furiously to try and dispel the illusion.

Nothing happened.

Sam whimpered again and felt his legs give out, sinking to the floor and huddling against the wall, watching Lucifer edge closer and closer.

Gabriel felt the desperate tug on the bond and frowned. “Kiddo, what the hell?” he asked aloud, not really expecting an answer. With a groan, he stood and, dressed in superhero pajamas and the softest robe he'd been able to conjure when he'd gone to bed, crossed the distance between himself and Sam.

The hunter flinched back from him as he slowly walked closer, but Gabriel didn't really pay it attention. Instead, he kept up his slow creep toward the terrified moose of a man. When he was within touching distance, Gabriel acted quickly. He darted forward as he threw his arm out, aiming for the spot on Sam's chest where a familiar golden glow emanated.

Time froze.

Gabriel gasped as he felt Sam's fear slam into him. A moment later, Gabriel saw what had Sam so afraid. As if through his own eyes, Gabriel watched the memories from the last few minutes in Sam's head play out, showing Lucifer's taunting face. Gabriel grimaced, but the playback didn't stop there.

Like a movie on rewind, Gabriel saw Sam's memories from the last few months. His pain and hurt were impossible to ignore. Tears welled in Gabriel's eyes at the wounds he'd left on Sam's heart, ones that he hadn't really realized he'd been inflicting. They didn't fall, though, until he saw once again Sam's ordeal when he'd been trapped in the nightmare outside that diner so many months ago.

Even if Sam didn't remember the true events of what had happened in Hell, it had been enough to scar the hunter. And seeing just how twisted Lucifer had become, how much his influence had twisted Sam in turn, hurt more than Gabriel liked to admit.

While seconds passed in the outside world, Gabriel felt like he was living Sam's entire life in reverse. He saw more flashes of the little digs he'd thrown at Sam, then Sam's recollection of his time in Hell, and finally the years he'd spent hunting with Dean. The Mystery Spot episode, now that he was colored by his emotions, made Gabriel feel guilty for having put Sam through so much grief – even if it had been for what he'd thought was a good cause. Dean's death, their dad's. _Sam's._

Gabriel felt such a deep hurt at that memory, he was jolted from whatever connection he'd had to Sam's mind. Great, heaving sobs wracked the archangel. So much pain in such a short life. Twenty-five measly years, compared to Gabriel's millennia, and so much of it overshadowed by bad memories. Most of them in the last few years had been Gabriel's fault.

Suddenly, Gabriel froze. His wide gaze darted to Sam. The hunter was staring at Gabriel, horror on his face. “Sam, no. Don't believe anything you saw, okay?” Desperation colored Gabriel's voice.

“That was-” Sam's voice broke. He cleared his throat and spoke again. “That was your memories.”

It wasn't a question.

Curiously unable to lie, Gabriel nodded his head.

“You...you really were in Hell,” Sam said, sounding as though he hadn't truly believed it.

A stab of hurt passed through Gabriel but, after what he'd seen and felt in Sam's memories, he didn't really blame the man for not believing him. Swallowing the snarky reply down, he said instead, “Yeah, Sam. I really was.”

“Fuck, Gabriel,” Sam choked out, his eyes welling up with tears. “I'm so sorry.”

“Nope. No. We are not going there. It happened, big deal. It's over now, so let's just move on.”

“But-”

“I said _no!”_ Gabriel's denial was laced with a hint of his True Voice.

Sam expected bleeding eardrums after hearing it, or at least a headache. But Gabriel's minute spot of archangelic power did nothing to Sam. All that was different from Gabriel's normal voice – his vessel's voice, Sam supposed – was the faint sound of trumpets and thunder.

Gabriel seemed a bit surprised as well. Until he remembered their new bond. With a sigh, he sat grumpily on the couch and folded his arms across his chest. Sam stared at him for a moment before slightly hysterical laughter burst from him. The angel glared at his hunter.

“I'm sorry, it's just that – Well, somehow I didn't expect you to take the Loki thing so seriously.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes and looked down at his green and gold clothing. The plain robe covered much of the pajamas, but Sam apparently knew enough about modern comic movies to recognize the design. “Dork,” he said teasingly.

“Says the grown man wearing children's clothes,” Sam snarked right back.

“Hmm, not _technically_ a man. More like ' _multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent_.' Human norms don't apply to me.”

“Yeah,” Sam said quietly, “kinda realizing that now.” His hand drifted to his head, where an ache was setting in.

With a short sigh, Gabriel reached over and slapped Sam's hand away, only to place his own fingertips where Sam's had just been. A moment later – and a dose of his Grace – Sam's headache was gone, as well as the scrape Sam hadn't even realized was on his hand from when he'd fallen back.

Gabriel solemnly wiped the blood away from the hunter's forehead where it'd smeared.

Sam, not liking the new, somber atmosphere between them, coughed awkwardly and stood, brushing past Gabriel to get back to Bobby's old desk.

Seeing the heavy thing brought him up short. “This was you, wasn't it?”

“Hmm?” Gabriel hummed, not paying much attention and instead focusing on the various titles on the shelves around him.

“Bobby's house. You remade it, after the Leviathan burned it down.” This time, it wasn't a question.

Heat burned in Gabriel's cheeks, but he quickly masked it with a bit of Trickster magic. “It was mostly intact, just needed a bit of help in places. The panic room he built downstairs? It wasn't even touched by the fire. The old geezer really knew what he was doing with that thing.”

Sam smiled sadly. “Yeah, he was pretty great at being a hunter.”

“Not so bad at being a dad, either, for all that he was worried about it,” the angel said offhandedly.

Sam scowled. “I don't think I like that you have my memories floating around inside your head.”

“Kiddo, mine are all floating around in yours. Even trade.”

Opening his mouth to speak again, Sam was interrupted by Gabriel. “Look, kiddo, this has been great and all, but I have better things to do than small talk with you.”

“Oh. Yeah. Whatever then. I was researching anyways.”

Gabriel stared hard at Sam for a moment, debating saying more, but in the end, simply snapped his fingers and disappeared.

Sam sighed and rubbed his forehead. He could already feel the headache coming on, despite Gabriel's quick fix. Deciding to get done with helping Garth first before trying to deal with the coming headache, he walked to the desk and plopped into the chair. As he looked down at the last book he'd been reading, a strangled noise of pleased surprise left his throat.

There, in Gabriel's scrawled handwriting, was the answer to Garth's inquiry.

***********

Despite what the Winchesters liked to say about him, Gabriel wasn't always a dick. Sure, it was usually his default setting, but he had his moments of non-dickness. But, in all honesty, he couldn't really say _why_ he'd helped Sam. He truly didn't want to be tied to the kid, but he couldn't resist those puppy eyes and that floppy hair.

Deciding to push it to the back of his mind for now, Gabriel headed to Las Vegas. He needed to get his mind off of Sam and the memories that Gabriel knew he'd be reliving in full color when he finally went to sleep.

Luckily for him, angels didn't need to sleep.

  


As Sam finished up his research – another hunter had called, then another, making Sam feel like the new Bobby – he carefully put away the books he'd been using and resolutely did not think about Gabriel. Any errant thoughts were immediately shoved back where they'd come from and ignored.

This lasted until bedtime. With nothing left to occupy his thoughts, all he could think of was the snarky angel he couldn't seem to help but love. Even after everything Sam had been through, that stubborn piece of his heart would not let go. It was ridiculous how tightly that piece held on to the hope that one day, things would work out.

The rest of Sam didn't hold out much hope for that.

His mind drifted back to their earlier conversation – one that had been mostly amicable and fairly normal. That in itself told Sam that things could work between them if Gabriel would just _let it_. But that was the problem. Gabriel didn't _want_ this to work.

Sam sighed and rolled over, trying to get comfortable at least in body since his mind was a tangled knot of confusing thoughts and memories. And some of those memories were things he didn't even remember! Gabriel apparently hadn't been lying about fucking with his memories of Hell.

With another sigh, another discontented shuffle, Sam closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep. Another half hour passed before his mind cleared enough to send him into his dreams.

Sam's sleep hadn't been pleasant since he was a child. John's...unique raising of his sons had left many scars on both of the men they became. For Sam – especially after his time in the Cage – those scars had never truly healed. His meetings with Eileen had been helping, but some of them still festered now and again.

Today's hallucination had been a setback for him in that sense.

Still, knowing he was fucked up helped him cope when things went wonky. When his dreams turned from the usual – fire and death and a gut-wrenching sorrow he could never seem to shake _–_ to the more specific ones – _fire licking over his skin, Lucifer's laughter and taunts, chains wrapped around and_ through _him, holding him down for more abuse –_ Sam knew he was in for a rough ride.

On this night, however, he saw all this happening from afar. As the nightmare progressed, Sam realized that it wasn't a nightmare at all.

He was living Gabriel's memories...

~~~~~~~

“ _How does it feel, brother, to know how powerless you truly are? Your favorite human, all trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey, all mine to play with and break as I please. Maybe I'll even let you watch!” Lucifer taunted, drawing close enough to see the rotting flesh of his vessel. “A pity you won't join us, Gabriel. Think of all the fun we could have together! We could rip out his innards and decorate this place a little. Fire and brimstone is so last century.”_

_Chains rattled as Sam – Gabriel – strained against them. Growls left his throat, though no words escaped his lips. Sam was horrified to realize that Gabriel's mouth had been sewn shut._

“ _Still no? Oh well, then. I guess I'll just have to take all the fun myself.”_

_With that, Lucifer turned away from his trapped brother and sauntered back to where Sam's still form lay on the ground. Apparently still possessing at least a portion of his Grace, the fallen angel willed a dagger into his hand and began to amuse himself._

_When things moved from simply sadistic to outright perverted, Gabriel shook with his anger and grief. Watching his own brother defile and violate a man he had tried to protect – had given his life for – was its own torture. But then, after Lucifer had amused himself with Sam, he turned his demented attention on Gabriel._

_As Lucifer started in on Gabriel as he had with Sam, the pagan angel looked over Lucifer's shoulder to see his oldest brother, carefully covering Sam and taking a moment and precious energy to heal the hunter._

_Tears escaped Gabriel's eyes as Lucifer committed the unthinkable. Tears of anger, of despair, and of resolve. He was going to get the fuck out of here._

_And he was going to take Sam with him._

~~~~~~~

Sam woke feeling nauseated. He bolted upright, a hand automatically going to cover his mouth, but there was no stopping it. He held the bile down until he made it to the bathroom, but as soon as he threw himself down in front of the toilet, all bets were off.

For nearly ten minutes, Sam heaved, his stomach still protesting the knowledge that the dream – fuck, the _memory_ – had brought him.

How was Gabriel still functioning? Seeing that one snippet of memory, when Gabriel had been trapped in the cage for what amounted to years more than Sam had, was nearly enough to drive Sam insane. As it was, he was barely holding on. His skin felt too tight, too hot, too _dirty_. With a half sob, Sam jerked his clothes off and jumped into the shower, desperate to rid himself of the memory of _Lucifer bending over Sam's body, his hands curiously gentle as they stripped the hunter of his clothes_.

Scalding water poured over Sam as he furiously scrubbed at his skin. Every time he blinked, a new image flashed behind his eyelids. Things that hadn't been in the dream.

In the back of his mind, Sam figured that seeing Gabriel's memories had somehow unlocked his own memories, hidden away by the archangel that had shared his torture.

However things had come to be, Sam was losing it, little by little. It seemed as though a new memory, each more painful and degrading than the last, would suddenly appear in his mind every few seconds.

By the time the influx of information abated, Sam was curled into himself on the floor of the shower, now-cold water running over his naked form. Twenty minutes later, when Dean finally busted the door down to check on him, Sam was staring blankly into nothingness.

Dean cursed as he turned the water off and hauled Sam out of the tub, worry and fear spiking through his heart. As he lay Sam down on the tile floor of the bathroom, that fear grew exponentially. Though Sam's eyes were open, they were completely unfocused, and nothing Dean did brought him around. The lights were on, but nobody was home.

Sam was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be completely honest, I'm not entirely sure where this is taking me anymore. At this point I'm mostly along for the ride. Hope this was a decent chapter!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that took for-freaking-ever. I'm trying to wind it down, guys. Be preparing yourselves for the end. lol.

**Chapter Fourteen**

* * *

 

Sam blinked slowly awake, trying to figure out where the hell he was. Finally, he recognized his bedroom. Thinking back to try and figure out how he had ended up back here, he froze at the memory of Lucifer's voice taunting Gabriel.

Seeing himself being violated like that... Something Sam himself didn't even remember. But even as he thought it, a memory slipped through.

" _If you would just accept it, this would be so much better. For you, anyways. I'll enjoy it either way," the devil himself grunted into Sam's ear. Fingers gripped tightly at Sam's flesh, nails clawing into skin._

_Flames licked across Sam's body, distracting him from the fiery pain caused by Lucifer. Jaw locked to keep from screaming, Sam's head lolled to the side. He saw Gabriel staring at them, tears running unchecked down his cheeks._

_If he'd had the thought to care, Sam would have been ashamed at what the archangel was watching. As it was, he couldn't find it in him to be ashamed. Or, really, to feel much emotion. He was dead, dead, dead, inside and out._

_A harsh motion from Lucifer had a breath wheezing out of Sam. With a dark chuckle, the fallen angel moved again, even more roughly than before. When his movements failed to produce another reaction, he scowled and backhanded Sam. The hunter's head simply rolled to the other side, allowing him a glance at their other spectators. Michael and Adam were crouched in a corner, the former gently shielding Adam's eyes from the horrors that were happening to his older brother._

_A flicker of feeling – gratitude – sparked inside Sam._

_As if sensing that spark, Lucifer grinned and clutched all the more tightly at Sam's hips. "Say yes, Sam," he crooned. "Say yes, and I can make it so much better for you." When Sam made no sounds, Lucifer snarled. "You'll say yes eventually, pet. Until then, I'll just keep enjoying myself."_

Just as Sam felt Lucifer's nails grow into long, sharp claws, he felt himself come back to the present with a gasp. Tears ran unchecked down his cheeks, feeling the emotions he'd been numb to during the actual event.

Sam couldn't catch his breath, disgust and fear and self-loathing washing over and through him. Desperation fueled him as he clawed at his own skin, trying to dispel the memory of Lucifer's touch. The world disappeared as his focus narrowed to trying to dig out the thoughts of Lucifer and what the fallen angel had done to Sam.

Suddenly, hands covered his own, drawing his fingernails away from tender flesh. Gently, the alien hands brought Sam's together, holding them there in front of the dazed hunter. A few moments passed as Sam blinked slowly, emerging from the haze.

"Dean?" he asked softly. "What happened?"

"I don't know, Sam. Just...take a second." Dean's voice was unusually soft for his brother's gruff personality. Looking down, Sam realized why.

He had torn the skin all over both arms. In his mindless desperation, he had opened real wounds to bleed out an imaginary poison. Despair washed over him. He would never be free. And, in effect, neither would Dean.

Sam would forever be haunted by his time in Hell, the tortures brought about by Lucifer – and the shame of knowing Gabriel had seen him like that. Had seen him let the Devil himself...

A wave of nausea washed over Sam. "'m gonna be sick," he said, nearly barreling over Dean to rush to the bathroom.

Dean grimaced at the sound of retching, but sighed and stood to follow his brother. He snatched up a clean wash cloth and wet it in the sink, wringing it out before moving to crouch beside Sam.

The taller hunter looked miserable, torn between crying and throwing up again.

"It's gonna be okay, Sam," Dean said, trying to reassure his brother.

"It's never going to be okay, Dean. _I'm_ never going to be okay." Sam spoke with absolute certainty, a deadened look in his eyes.

Dean felt a bolt of fear at Sam's words. "What are you talking about? We're the Winchesters, we always bounce back!" he said, injecting false cheer into his voice.

Sam just stared balefully up at him before closing his eyes and leaning back against the wall. "Yeah," he said finally.

Needing to talk to Cas, Dean stood. "I'll be right back."

Sam watched him go, wishing like hell that things could be different. But thinking of hell, even abstractly, brought on new flashes of memory.

_Once Sam had given in to the Devil's demands, things became easier physically. No longer did Lucifer try to abuse Sam into a response. No, not it was all mental. As Lucifer goaded his body into enjoying what was being done to him, that forked tongue was whispering treacherous things into Sam's ear._

" _Look at him, Sam. He can't even bear to watch," Lucifer taunted, speaking of Gabriel. The other angel was chained to the wall directly in front of them, but his head was hanging low. Sam could see splatters on the floor beneath him, evidence of the tears he ducked his head to hide. Shame filled Sam at the sight, knowing that Gabriel cried because Sam was weak, because he had given in. When he tried to turn his head away, to not look toward the trapped archangel anymore, Lucifer's tight grip in his hair jerked his head back around._

" _Ah, ah, ah, Sammy. Don't look away. Show little brother those pretty eyes of yours."_

_Tears leaked from the corners of Sam's eyes at the pain in his scalp, and the pain in his heart. As if he could sense them, Lucifer let out a bark of laughter and began to fuck Sam harder. "That's it, Sam. Look at what happens when you disobey."_

_Later, Sam lay in a heap, recovering from the fallen archangel's ministrations. He watched as Lucifer walked over to Gabriel, as he leaned down to whisper something in the chained brother's ear. Gabriel's head jerked up at whatever Lucifer said, righteous fury blazing in his eyes. When he spoke, Sam heard his words, but didn't believe them._

" _I'm going to get out of here, you bag of dicks. And when I do, he's coming with me."_

_Lucifer laughed even as he slashed a hand out. Gabriel's head whipped to the side as four furrows appeared on his cheek, weeping blood. "You're never leaving, little brother. You're both_ mine. _"_

Sam gasped as the memory receded, leaving him to vomit once more into the porcelain bowl beside him. Because, while he didn't hear Lucifer's words to Gabriel while in the memory, he knew what the angel had said thanks to the influx of Gabriel's own memories. And the words were enough to send Sam over an edge that he couldn't come back from.

" _He feels even better than you, little brother."_

Gabriel was getting better at ignoring the bond. He still felt twinges of Sam's emotions, still caught flashes of his memories, but for the most part was able to push them aside. In the same vein, he kept a tight reign on his own half of the bond. But he was always aware of it in an abstract way. That was why it was such a shock when Gabriel suddenly felt _nothing_. One second, he was minding his own business, watching TV and stuffing his face. The next, he was scrambling madly at his chest, his flesh fingers gouging into the skin while his celestial ones rooted into his own Grace.

It was no use. That little flickering piece of light - the one he'd been cursing since it appeared and had been growing stronger despite that - was gone. Gabriel didn't even realize that tears were trailing down his face. Likewise, he didn't realize Castiel had appeared until the younger angel grabbed him by the shoulders and said the one word guaranteed to bring his focus around.

"-Sam!"

Blinking, Gabriel slowly felt himself returning to the present. "What?"

"I said, you're the only one who can save Sam!" Cas grated, his voice more gravelly than normal. Coming back around more fully, Gabriel realized that the angel's eyes were red and puffy, like he'd been crying.

"What are you talking about?" Gabriel asked slowly.

"The bond, Gabriel. It hasn't faded completely yet. You can use it to bring him back. But we must move quickly - he doesn't have much time!"

Finally catching on to what Castiel was saying, Gabriel gripped the seraph's arm and demanded,"Go. Go!"

When they landed in the small bathroom, Gabriel felt his vision blur around the edges.

There was so much blood...

In the tub, scattered around Sam's body, were the pieces of a disposable razor. Sam himself was sprawled in the tub, his normally tanned skin unnaturally pale. On each forearm were long gashes, elbow to wrist and as deep the small blades had been able to dig.

Gabriel felt his knees weaken, but he didn't try to catch himself. _This_ was exactly why he'd wanted to keep distance between them, why he hadn't wanted the bond. No good had ever come of being close to Gabriel - to any archangel, really.

"Gabriel, please. _Hurry_. He's fading fast and I can't hold him much longer!" came Castiel's entreaty.

Gabriel shook himself and inched forward on his knees, loathing the blood that covered Sam's torso and arms. But, the closer he came, the more he saw the small spark still inside of the tall hunter. As Cas had said, it was fading quickly. But Gabriel quickly reached out, physically and metaphysically, and gently grasped the light. His flesh hand rested on Sam's chest, but his Grace reached deep inside the other man, cupping around the soul that was incredibly bright, but just as damaged.

Desperation fueling him, Gabriel forced his power into Sam, the angelic magic healing the hunter's body in the blink of an eye. Kick-starting it back to life took more time. Just as Gabriel began to think he'd been too late after all, Sam jerked upright with a gasp, forcing Gabriel's hand away from his chest. Sam's own hand came up to press against the same spot, wincing at the pain of the newly-beating organ trying to regulate itself.

Sam glanced around in confusion. "Cas? G-gabriel?"

Cas looked like he was forcing back tears, but Gabriel didn't even look up. The archangel's hands clenched into tight fists, bracing on his thighs. Still kneeling beside the tub, he seemed to fold in on himself.

"W-where's Dean?" Sam asked, suddenly realizing that his brother was missing.

It was a moment before Cas spoke. "He's in his bed, asleep. When I found him, he was a wreck. He found your- He found _you_ first. I immediately put him to sleep to save him what emotional trauma I could."

Sam nodded, still trying to piece together everything. The last thing he remembered was waking up from a memory/dream of Hell. He'd come to the bathroom to vomit, but things got fuzzy after that. He remembered flashes of seeing the razor on the sink as he washed his mouth out, the thoughts of it all being over, then pain in his fingers as he pried the cheap plastic apart.

But with that memory came the memory of what had driven him to this point. Pain flashed through his head as he tried to block out the memories. Sam gripped tightly at his hair, tugging the thick strands in some attempt to relieve the pain. Strong hands gently grasped his wrists and tugged down, prompting Sam to let go. He glanced up, expecting anger.

Soulful blue eyes met his. The heartache and caring on the younger angel's face nearly tore Sam's heart apart. Would have, had it not already been ravaged by his past and by the last few hours. Tears welled in his eyes with the knowledge that he wasn't alone. Before he could say anything to Cas, Gabriel exploded.

"You're so fucking selfish," the archangel spat. Without giving Sam a chance to speak, Gabriel continued. "Do you have any idea what losing you would have done to me? Not personally, you obviously don't care about that. I mean physically. Archangel supernova. It would have killed everyone in a hundred mile radius, you asshole. I thought you morons were all for saying people? Apparently not, if you would rather off yourself than be stuck with me."

Gabriel finally stood, aiming a look at Sam that was filled with so much contempt and disappointment, even Cas flinched away. "I'll make it easy for you," he whispered. The lights flickered as the room around them began to shake. Gabriel's form was enveloped in a bright light that Sam assumed was his Grace, shadows dancing on the walls behind him as his wings unfurled.

Suddenly, the angel's hand darted to his chest, passing through the physical plane and into the one housing the knot where the bond to Sam was tethered. With a quick motion, Gabriel jerked the whole of it out, along with a chunk of his Grace. Sneering, he tossed it at Sam. "Fuck you, Sam Winchester."

With a thundering bang and streaks of lightning scorching the way, Gabriel was gone.

Castiel was in shock. It was the only explanation for the numbness that followed Gabriel's departure. It took a few minutes to realize that the roaring in his ears was, in fact, actual roaring. A blaze had started up from a stray bolt of lightning, creeping steadily toward the seraph and Sam. With a wave of his hand, the flames were gone. Instead of silence after dousing the flames, Cas was met with the sound of Sam's labored breathing. He looked slowly to the hunter, distantly feeling a sense of foreboding as he did so.

Sam was clutching the knot of Grace, his hand sizzling as the pure power singed the flesh. The hunter seemed unable to let go, locked in the position he'd been in when Gabriel tossed the end of their bond at him. But, as Cas watched, a strange look came over Sam's face. With Gabriel's words, Cas had worried that Sam would fall back into despair. It seemed, though, that Sam was rather calm.

No, Sam was _numb_. His hand tightened minutely on the thing in his hand before he glanced over to Cas. "What do I do with this?" he asked evenly.

"If you wish to keep the bond intact, you would take it into yourself. If you wish it broken, crush it."

Finally, some emotion passed over Sam's face. A thoughtful frown tugged at his lips and wrinkled his forehead before, finally, the hunter turned back to the angel. "If I keep it, could I still change my mind later?"

"Of course, Sam. But once broken, bonds such as the one between you and Gabriel are hard to reforge."

Nodding absentmindedly, Sam focused his attention back on the bit of Grace in his hand. It was warm, rather than the icy burn that had come from Lucifer's power. And, rather than the despair and hatred that had always seemed to radiate from the fallen archangel, Gabriel's power had a happier feel to it. But Sam could understand that, given Gabriel's usual happy-go-lucky persona. It was only when you brought up a few choice things that the shorter man shut down.

Shaking his head to bring him back to the task at hand, Sam took a deep breath and brought his hand up to his chest. Not giving himself time to change his mind, he shoved Gabriel's half of the bond into his chest, gasping at the sudden weight that seemed to fall on his shoulders. Cas was there to help him up and shuffle into the bedroom, where Sam collapsed onto his bed. As soon as he had gotten comfortable and closed his eyes, he remembered Dean.

"Fuck."

When his eyes opened, it took Dean a moment to remember why he had even been asleep. _Cas._

The angel had put him to sleep! He had to get up, he had to get to...Sam.

Dean's shoulders slumped as he remembered just _why_ Cas had knocked him out. Dean didn't think he would ever forget the sight of his baby brother, laying bloody and broken in the small bathtub. Tears sprang to his eyes, but Dean ground his heels into the offending orbits, denying the tears a chance to fall. A groan came from beside him, causing the hunter to jerk his head around.

"Sam!" he cried out, not believing what he was seeing. Sam, whole and unhurt, laying on the twin bed next to Dean's. And, apparently, sleeping. Dean wasted no time in jumping from his own bed and landing nearly on top of Sam. The younger hunter was woken roughly with Dean rolling him this way and that to ensure that he was truly okay. Despite the rude awakening, Sam allowed Dean the few minutes he needed to reassure himself.

Finally, he pushed Dean away and wrapped his arms around his brother. "I'm so sorry, Dean. I wasn't even thinking, I just- I... I don't even know what's going on anymore."

Studiously ignoring the wetness on his face, Dean cleared his throat and said gruffly, "It's okay, Sammy. We'll figure it out."

Two weeks later, Sam put himself into a psychiatric ward. Dean yelled and cursed for two days before finally breaking down and agreeing to let Sam make the decision. He didn't think Sam needed to go, mind you, but he _did_ want to show Sam that he supported him and his autonomy. It was something that Sam had been sorely lacking over the years.

Eileen carefully hand-picked the facility, not trusting the boys to find one that would actually help Sam. Most places she'd come across simply doped patients up to control them as opposed to trying to help them. With her help, they found a place that was only a few hours from Bobby's. Dean drove them there, of course, with Cas offering to meet them there with Sam's belongings once they'd arrived.

Jody blinked back tears as the brothers headed to the Impala, demanding that Sam write to her when he could and to take care of himself. Eileen had told Sam to call on her if he ever questioned the treatment he received, or if he simply wanted to talk. Cas hugged Sam tightly, reminding him that he would see him soon.

Sam reminded himself as they drove away that he was doing what was best for himself. It was high time that he stopped living life for others, stopped letting his caring nature get in the way of his own health. The heavy weight in his chest was a daily reminder of how badly that could go.

As Dean pulled onto the highway and cranked the radio as loud as it would go, Sam felt a bit of that weight ease.

He was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even going to try to get into Sam's time in the psych ward. I've never been in one, don't know anyone who has, and I definitely do not want to offend anyone with shoddy research on the internet. So the next chapter will pick up probably about a year after this, maybe longer.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up guys, this is longest chapter to date. 8k words and lots of drama. Added Luce as a co-creator since this chapter, and many others, would not have happened without her.

Sam Winchester walked out of Morris County Psychiatric Hospital with his head held high. A little over a year inside the bland white halls of the place had helped Sam more than anything he could have tried on his own.   
  
Dean had tried the best he could, but Sam had needed help far past what his older brother could supply. His time in Morris County had shown him that. But it had been time well-spent. Not worrying about anything past his own mental health had been...freeing.   
  
While he'd been in his self-imposed exile, Dean and Cas had been hunting. Jody had returned to her own home and to a more normal work schedule, though she sent regular letters to Sam and kept up contact with Dean and Cas.   
  
Dean, for all his blustering, did everything he could to help Sam's recovery. Every month, Sam asked Dean to come to the hospital for a family session. Dean always made sure to be in the area, sometimes even dragging Cas in to the sessions.   
  
But no matter how much was spoken of, Gabriel's name was never brought up. It hadn't been intentional, this leaving out of important details. It had been more that Sam never bothered to speak of it. When asked of his most traumatic memory, Gabriel's idiocy and nonchalant disregard didn't rank high enough to be a concern, not when tortured by the Devil himself for decades was first in that list.   
  
Sam wasn't sure that it would even matter anymore. He hadn't heard of or from Gabriel in over a year. Surely that was enough time of  _ out of sight, out of mind _ for his dumb little crush to go away, right? Sam could only hope.   
  
The roar of the Impala had Sam smiling as he hefted his bag and turned toward the sound. Dean pulled to a stop just in front of Sam and grinned up at him. "Get in loser, we're going hunting!"   
  
Sam rolled his eyes. "I cannot believe you just quoted Mean Girls."   
  
"I watch movies!" Dean defended himself.   
  
Sam snorted. "I know that, it's just the ones you pick are not what you'd expect."   
  
"Whatever, bitch. Get in, we really do have a case."   
  
With a happy sigh and warmth blooming in his chest, Sam tossed his bag into the backseat and climbed in where he belonged - in the passenger seat beside his brother.

* * *

While Dean had gone to pick Sam up, Cas had gone to see Gabriel. The archangel had more or less gone to ground. Well, to mountain. Ever one for dramatics, Gabriel had taken up residence on top of a frigid mountain, somewhere in the Himalayas. With the constant snow at the peak and a good cloud cover, Gabriel was making full use of his angelic powers. Lightning struck out at random, and the wind blew like a hurricane. In the middle of the tempest sat Gabriel, as he'd sat for the past year. Legs folded and arms braced on them, the archangel sat as if in meditation. Cas knew differently, though.   
  
Gabriel's eyes were open, and they glowed an unearthly blue, indicating the power flowing through him.   
  
Cas sighed, knowing that he would have no more luck today than he had for the past year. Upon leaving Sam with a writhing mass of angelic power and the other half of their bond, Gabriel had come to this mountain, to this very spot, and had begun expending his power in an attempt to use it all and, essentially, become nothing. It was a passive way for an angel to commit suicide, by using up every ounce of power within them. When nothing was left, they simply  _ weren't _ anymore. Cas had only heard of it happening a handful of times in his extensive lifetime.   
  
Anna had been thought to be one such case, until the Winchesters had found her.   
  
Cas sat on the ground a few feet from Gabriel, mimicking the archangel's stance. As always, he began to speak. "Good afternoon, brother. I see you're still trying to wither away. Dean thinks you're being childish."   
  
A bolt of lightning struck mere feet from Cas. The younger angel stared balefully at his brother. "As I was saying, things seem to have finally turned around for the Winchesters. Sam was released from the hospital today. Dean has gone to retrieve him. The past year has been kind to him. He seems to have reached a level of mental health that I've never witnessed in either brother."   
  
Nothing. Not a single reaction from Gabriel.   
  
"Jody and Eileen have spoken about starting a safe place for hunters to come and talk about things. Dean likened it to the Roadhouse with less alcohol."   
  
Dean had also said that it was a long shot, that most hunters were even more repressed than the Winchesters. Jody had taken a good, long look at Dean and burst out laughing so hard that she'd doubled over with stitches in her side. She'd managed to compose herself after a few moments, but still erupted into giggles as she apologized for the outburst. Cas had to agree with the sentiment - hunters as a whole were certainly loners and wary of strangers, especially talking about their pasts and feelings, but Dean and Sam were on a level of their own.   
  
Dean'd huffed and looked away, but secretly felt the same - they had learned it from John, this ability to function with the barest of emotion, to bottle everything up and use the fumes as fuel for getting through the days.   
  
Sam, though, Sam was a good kid. He'd always had dreams and wants outside of hunting, had always wanted more. Dean felt like he'd failed Sam - first for not being able to keep him out of hunting to begin with, and then for dragging him back into it when he'd finally gotten out. The time Sam had spent in the psych ward had been hard on Dean, having to relearn to cope without his brother.   
  
He had been going to see Eileen as well. He knew he didn't have the best track record for healthy decisions or habits, but Dean was tired of it all. He was tired of running from himself, from the fear of what John would say about his life now. Dean had earned a break - both brothers had.   
  
Sam deserved so much more. Sam deserved it all. Which was why Dean had begged Cas to drag Gabriel back. In the time that Sam had been away, Dean and Cas had spoken long and hard about Gabriel and his feelings and actions. In the end, Dean was still utterly pissed at the archangel, but he also knew that the only way either man would be truly happy was to be together. Sure, Sam had come a long way and would thrive on his own. But Dean considered Sam at least somewhat of his kid, and he just wanted Sam to be happy.   
  
He wanted Sam to have what he had with Cas. Things weren't perfect - never would be, because  _ they _ weren't perfect - but they had each other no matter what.   
  
And so Castiel sat in a tempest, surrounded by snow and lightning, to convince Gabriel to come back.   
  
"He never speaks about you, but I catch his prayers sometimes. Never to anyone specific, but I suppose I'm hard-wired to hear the Winchesters by now. He prays for strength in carrying your burden, prays for healing from the pain inside that still hasn't subsided. Sometimes, when he's feeling particularly weak and sentimental, he prays for you to come back."   
  
There! A twitch. Just a teeny movement, but it meant the world to Cas. He could do this!   
  
Feigning nonchalance, as if he were reporting the weather, he continued, "When he's angry, he prays to forget you, but those prayers are few and always rescinded. Mostly, he prays to be happy."   
  
The driving snow surrounding the angels suddenly turned to rain, as if the sky were crying. Cas knew better. The weather in their vicinity was directly tied to Gabriel and his emotions. This was why Cas returned day after day - he knew that Gabriel still cared for the hunter, despite his words and actions a year before.   
  
But Cas couldn't actually come out and say that, lest Gabriel clam up once more. Instead, Cas stood and dusted the slush from his pants. “Very well, Gabriel. I will leave you to your mountain. I will return another day,” the seraph said with a sigh. One of these days, he was going to lose his patience with Gabriel. For today, the archangel could pitch his temper tantrum. 

With that in mind, Cas took wing to find his love and perhaps the only human Castiel would call brother.

* * *

Sam settled into the Queen bed furthest from the door with a sigh, relishing the return to familiarity. Dean grinned at the sound and continued to unpack the weapons bag and take stock. They were going to need to make an ammo run soon, maybe after this case. As he worked, he snuck glances at Sam, constantly worried that he had imagined it all and that he was still alone.   
  
The fluttering of wings brought another smile to his face.   
  
How silly of him. Dean was never alone anymore.   
  
"How was the trip?" Cas asked once he settled back into the visible plane.   
  
"Long," Dean answered.   
  
"It was nice," Sam admitted. He smiled up at the ceiling. "I honestly thought I'd never have this again, you guys. I've never felt so...light."   
  
Cas stared in askance at Dean, who grinned and shrugged. "You drunk over there, Sammy, or did they hop you up on some more of those nice meds like at the last joint?"   
  
Sam snorted at the reminder of being medicated off his rocker. "High on life, Deano. You should try it."   
  
Dean winced, hearing Gabriel's nickname for him spill from Sam's lips. Ever since Sam had taken in the writhing ball of power, he'd shown small facets of Gabriel's personality, annoying nicknames included. Trying to shake away the chill that always came with Sam’s lapses, he snarled back at Sam. “I'm good with alcohol and great sex.” When Sam gagged dramatically, Dean laughed out loud. “Bitch,” he said fondly. 

“Jerk,” Sam returned in kind. 

Castiel sighed, knowing he would never truly understand these two humans, however much he loved and cared for them.

* * *

 

The case that Dean had scrounged up for them was a relatively easy one, something to ease Sam back into hunting without putting him in too much danger, considering how rusty his skills had probably gotten after a year of not hunting. 

Reflexes dimmed, intuition lapsed, bodies became softer. 

Sam realized that Dean was babying him, but he took it in stride, knowing that Dean was simply trying to keep him safe. When the ghost nearly got the drop on him, Sam realized that maybe it hadn’t been such a bad idea to take an easy case to start out with. 

After the bones and been salted and burned, the family whose house had been haunted was safely tucked back into their cushy lives, Sam breathed a sigh of relief. 

_ This _ was why he hunted. To see the joy on a parent’s face when they realized their children were safe, to see the relief on those children’s faces when they were told that everything would be normal again. 

Sometimes, the looks of sorrow and relief on a spirit’s face as the evil of their lives was burned away. 

Sam knew that he was doing what he was meant to do. It had just taken him a while to understand that. It had taken him just as long to learn that he didn't have to bear the burdens of their lifestyle on his own shoulders. Being able to talk to Eileen and to the counselors at the hospital had helped Sam come to terms with how poorly he'd been dealing with things all these years. 

As he collapsed into the passenger seat of the Impala, a tired smile tugged at his lips. 

It was good to be back.

* * *

 

Months passed. The brothers continued to hunt, everything from vampires to werewolves, even a rougarou once. Sam slowly built his skills back, all the while using the coping mechanisms he'd learned while away. He even tried to teach some of them to Dean. 

The older Winchester was hesitant to admit that he was fucked up, at least to Sam, but he did talk to Eileen more often once he saw how  _ well _ Sam was doing. 

The years had not been kind to the Winchesters. Hurt and heartbreak and self-loathing were things that piled on, compounded by loss and failures. But Sam had learned to accept those things and move forward, instead of bottling them up and dwelling. His general demeanor had shifted from broody to content. 

Life wasn't perfect, but nothing ever was. 

There were mistakes, some which inadvertently caused harm to people around them on hunts. They missed signs and took a roundabout path to completing said hunts. But things were good between the brothers and Cas. 

Dean finally felt comfortable searching for heavier hunts, letting Sam take the lead more often. He'd begun to trust Sam’s instincts again, learned to lean on him in a healthy way. 

Sam finally felt like he could trust himself again. He didn't second-guess himself or ignore his gut feeling when he  _ knew _ something was wrong. 

It had saved their hides more than once. 

But of course, just as things around the Winchesters seem to be going great, all hell breaks loose.

* * *

 

Cas had begun to visit Gabriel in his self-imposed exile every week or so. He would sit and talk at his brother, wishing for some sign of life. It was only when he mentioned Sam that he ever got any response. Even then, Cas was careful not to abuse this knowledge. 

On one such visit, he mentioned a case where the brothers had both been injured due to an abnormally strong vampire. When there was no reaction from the archangel, Cas sighed and stood. 

"It was nice to see you again, brother, but I must go. Dean and Sam are working a case in Wyoming and will need assistance shortly. They've always underestimated witches in the past. I see no reason to think otherwise in the present. Until next time," Cas said with a nod of the head.   
  
As he flew to the motel room Dean had rented the night before, Cas could only hope that Gabriel took the bait.

Later that day, after Dean had done an ammo run and they'd stocked up on weapons - including Sam's homemade witch killing bullets - the trio had set out to scope the coven out.

Due to the fact that it seemed to be based in an apartment building, it was difficult to determine just how many witches there actually were.

"Could be a handful, could be an army. Won't know until we get in there," Dean said as he pulled the binoculars away from his face.

"I just don't like it, Dean. Cas, can you tell anything?"

"I can tell you that there are twenty humans currently inside the building, in different areas. There are five currently in the basement together," the angel intoned.

Sam sighed. "Could be a ritual, could be laundry. Why couldn't they have an actual house? This would be so much easier."

Cas mentally agreed, hesitantly reaching out to Gabriel to pass this information along and attempt to get his opinion. Silence reigned through the telepathic connection until the seraph finally closed the mental link and turned his attention to the building once more.

The three sat and watched the building for hours, until night had fallen and things had seemed to quiet down for the night. Another hour saw the general populous asleep and the majority of the lights in the apartment building were off.

"Something wicca this way comes," joked Dean as he opened the car door.

"That's not funny anymore, Dean," Sam complained as he followed suit. "The first time was great, I'll admit, but it's just lost its magic."

"You just don't appreciate my sense of humor," Dean whined.

Snorting, Sam accepted the gun Dean held out to him. "I've had twenty-odd years of appreciating your sense of humor. I'm all humored out."

"Whatever, loser. Let's go gank some witches," Dean said gruffly.

Cas followed along quietly, hoping against hope that nothing would go wrong.

* * *

 

Of  _ course _ something went wrong. This was the Winchesters. Anything that could,  _ would _ go wrong.

Dean was currently knocked out, having been slammed up against a wall moments earlier. Sam was being held to another wall with one witch's telekinesis, while Cas was bleeding from multiple wounds and trapped in a circle of holy oil. (And how they'd known to expect an angel was something to be pondered on later.)

Instead of being a handful of witches, they'd found that the  _ entire building _ was a coven. They had killed five of them before backup had arrived and turned the tides against the hunters. Cas watched as the apparent leader closed in on Sam, still trapped against the wall. A flash of silver caught Cas' eye, alerting him to the knife concealed in her hand.

"Sam, no!" Cas cried, just as the witch swung her blade towards Sam's chest.

Time seemed to stand still.

Sam watched the blade come closer and closer, aiming with deadly accuracy right for his heart. As he realized that he was most probably about to die, he let out a sigh of acceptance and closed his eyes.

A bright light flared suddenly, making the hunter feel thankful that he'd closed them. As the light faded, he hesitantly opened his eyes and felt his heart stop.

_ Gabriel- _

As if he'd heard the half-formed thought, the angel threw a look over his shoulder. His eyes glowed that heavenly blue, obscuring the normal amber color. Lightning seemed to dance around him, casting shadows around the room and, at times, half-forming a set of wings. Turning his attention back to the witch whose throat he currently gripped and dragging her closer, he whispered something in her ear that had her turning white and sputtering apologies and attempting to beg forgiveness.

A loud  _ crack _ silenced her words quickly. Without a glance back at her, Gabriel dropped the body to the floor and let his gaze sweep around the room. With a wave of his hand, the fiery oil around Cas dissipated, and Sam was freed from his invisible bonds.

The hunter landed on his feet with a soft grunt, never taking his eyes off the celestial powerhouse standing three feet away. He'd expected all the feelings he'd pushed aside in the last year and a half to come rushing back, but he simply felt awe at the sight of Gabriel in the midst of the fantastical power he wielded.

(And no small amount of lust at his dominating presence, if Sam was completely honest.)

"Brother, thank you. If you hadn't shown up-"

" _ Idiots _ . Do you never actually study a witch's coven? Are you ever  _ not _ caught off guard when you get your dumb asses handed to you? How many times have you almost died, Castiel, because of their lack of brainpower?"

Gabriel's words lashed at Sam, making him flinch back for a moment before anger flowed through him. "Wait a damn minute."

Before he could say more, Gabriel cut him off with a glare, his eyes still overlaid with unearthly blue. "Shut. Up. I've lost too many siblings to you two and your stupidity, not to mention my own life. I will not stand by and lose Castiel as well."

"Do you think we go around just putting ourselves in danger for the hell of it? We're trying to save people, you jackass. All you've ever done is look out for yourself! Everything you do, even this - saving Cas - is because  _ you _ can't bear to be alone, not because of any altruistic leanings. You are without a doubt the most selfish  _ dick _ I've ever known," Sam all but snarled. His piece said, he turned away from the angels and made his way to Dean. Still knocked out cold, the older Winchester was starting to worry Sam.

Before he had even turned fully around, a wave of grace washed over him. The angelic power seemed to awaken the bit of grace still inside Sam, sending him stumbling to his knees with a gasp and a hand clutching his chest. Anger seemed to bloom in the middle of his chest, followed quickly by shock and genuine surprise. The hunter turned slowly, looking back at Gabriel. 

The archangel was staring back at Sam, a pensive look on his face. A moment later, a blank look had taken over Gabriel’s visage. He disappeared for a split second, only to reappear by Castiel’s side. “You and me are going to have a chat, little bro.”

With a sound like a thunderclap, the two were gone. The weight that had seemed to be holding Sam down was gone, and he used the freedom to make the rest of the way to Dean’s side, gently shaking his brother to wake him up. “Dean, wake up. We may have a problem,” he said gravely.

“Ughh. Where’s Cas?” the older asked immediately.

Sam sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “That’s the problem.”

* * *

 

When Cas became aware once more, he was sitting in a diner booth across from Gabriel. He glanced around before turning back to Gabriel with a baleful look. “You wished to... _ chat _ ?” he asked.

Gabriel snorted. “You played me, Cassie. I’d be impressed if I weren’t so damn mad.”

“I didn’t play you, brother. I used any and all means to get you back,” Cas argued. “I’ve lost just as many siblings, Gabriel. Do you truly think I’d be willing to let go of the one who has actively tried to help us?”

Gabriel slouched down in his seat as he absently waved a hand to summon some food. “Even after everything with Sam?”

“Sam is an adult, as are you. I have no bearing in your relationship, just as you have no bearing in mine and Dean’s. I do believe that better decisions could have been made throughout.”

“How you manage to look at me with censure is amazing. I am an archangel, more powerful than you could imagine. You dare to judge me?” Anger began to color Gabriel’s voice.

“When it concerns the Winchesters, yes I do. I have spent years with them, Gabriel. I call them family. I don’t want to see them hurt, and you seem to be very good at hurting them.”

The fight went out of Gabriel once more. “I don’t mean to hurt him, you know.”

“No, Gabriel, I don’t know that. From my view, you’ve been the crux of nearly every issue between the two of you. I’m not saying Sam hasn’t made poor decisions, but most of those were brought about by your own actions.”

“Fuck, I hate it when you’re right. So what do I do to fix this, Castiel, Angel of Winchesters?”

Cas smiled at the moniker, finding it rather apt. “I advise you to speak to each other as adults. Sam is in the healthiest state of mind I’ve ever seen him in. Even if things don’t end with you together, at least you can clear the air.”

Gabriel sighed. “I’m not sure that’s a great idea. I’m still pretty pissed at him, for today and for...last time.”

Cas sent him a deadpan look. “You refer to the time that Sam tried to kill himself due to his negative emotions brought on by your callousness, and your subsequent severing of the bond between you?”

“Yes, Castiel,  _ that _ . Thanks for the recap,” Gabriel said bitterly.

“Own it, Gabriel. It happened, so own it. Admit your own part in the fucked up shit you have gone through, and put Sam through. If you never accept it, you can never move on.”

“When did you get so foul, Cas? I’m impressed.”

“Stop trying to distract us, Gabriel. If you can't speak to me about this, how will you speak to Sam?”

“That's my point, Cas. I  _ can’t _ talk to him.”

“Then you don't deserve him,” Cas said simply. 

Gabriel sighed and raked frustrated fingers through his hair. “I know that! I've always known that. He's so  _ good, _ Cassie. And I'm... _ not _ .”

Cas took in the elder angel’s morose posture and had a realization. “But you want to be.” When Gabriel wouldn't meet his eyes, Castiel knew he was right. Things began to click into place quickly. “You stayed with us to redeem yourself, to earn standing in his eyes for helping.”

“Cas, I'm not talking about this with you,” Gabriel warned, his voice low and deadly. 

The younger angel looked at Gabriel with contemplation. “Perhaps you would do well to speak with the woman who has been helping Sam and Dean. You've suffered trauma, Gabriel. You should speak to  _ someone _ about it.”

Gabriel snorted. “The poster boys for unhealthy coping have actually gone to see a shrink? Now this I gotta see.”

“Sam has a session with her in a few days. You could tag along.”

A hard glare told Cas how much Gabriel thought of that plan. But he had planted a seed, at least. And maybe curiosity would drive Gabriel to actually show up. Cas could only hope.

* * *

 

Sam woke up late the next morning. When Cas had finally returned the night before, the three of them had made their way back to the motel before any queries had been aired. Dean had demanded to know where the seraph had been, but all Cas would say was that he had been with Gabriel, simply talking. 

Shaking his head, Dean had sighed and dragged his love closer, thankful that everyone was okay. 

Now, Sam tried to ignore the jealousy that flared in him. He knew it wasn't right, that Dean and Cas more than deserved any happiness they could scrounge up. But his heart ached at the loneliness he felt. 

As he showered and readied himself for the day, Sam was able to push those feelings aside. Still, he was glad they were heading back to Bobby’s. He hadn't talked to Eileen in a few weeks, and he was looking forward to their meeting in a few days. His release from the hospital had included strict guidelines about continuing his mental health care outside of the facility, and seeing Eileen had been an understood requirement. 

The hunter didn't truly mind. He had missed the older woman, her easy-going but stern-at-times demeanor, the warmth in her voice and sincerity in her smile whenever he came in. It was nice to feel wanted, cared for. 

It also made Sam happy to know that Dean was more receptive to seeing the woman. It was a weight from Sam’s shoulders to have Dean working on his issues as well. The years of unhealthy coping mechanisms were soon to be far behind them.

When Sam exited the bathroom, Dean and Cas were awake and packed, nearly ready to leave. Dean headed for the shower once it was free, letting Cas and Sam haul their things to the Impala while he hurried through his shower. 

On the road, Sam felt a new sense of  _ rightness _ , echoing from months before when he’d first gotten into the car after a year in the hospital. This was his family, this was where he was meant to be. With a smile, Sam rested his head on the headrest and let himself drift to sleep. 

When they stopped a few hours later for food, Sam enjoyed the camaraderie the three of them shared as they ate, the jokes cracked and the soda spewing from noses. 

When they left and got back into the car, Sam headed straight for the backseat, leaving Cas to stand in shock. “Sit with your boyfriend, Cas. I can sleep better in the backseat.”

Dean blushed a bit, but nodded at his brother, appreciating the gesture. Cas smiled, feeling a new sense of belonging. Once on the road again, Dean drove with one hand on the steering wheel and one holding Cas’ in the center of the bench seat. 

By the time they arrived at a motel that night, Cas was sitting in the middle of the seat with his hand resting high on Dean’s thigh with Dean’s arm wrapped around his shoulders. Sam was stretched out as well as he could in the backseat, having slept most of the way. 

When Dean tried to ask for just one room, Sam stepped in. “Uh, actually, could we get two?”

The clerk simply blinked at him before rolling his eyes and clicking a few more things on the computer. “We have plenty of doubles, but only one single room.”

“That’s fine. One of the doubles and a single.”

Dean sent Sam a glare, but Sam simply smiled and handed over one of their myriad fake credit cards. As they split up to go to their rooms, Sam sent Dean a shit-eating grin. “Don’t have too much fun.”

“Yeah, fuck you too, Sam.”

“You’ll thank me in the morning,” Sam called as he walked away.

Cas appeared at Dean’s elbow carrying their duffel bags. “What was that about?”

“Sam’s giving us free reign to fuck.”

“Is that not something you  _ would _ thank him for?”

“Cas!”

A heated look came over the angel’s face. “Will you be screaming my name like that later?”

Dean gulped as a flush spread across his face. “M-maybe?”

“Good. Let’s find our room, shall we?” Cas asked pleasantly.

Dean watched Cas walk away and adjusted his half-hard dick before following along.  _ “What the fuck have I gotten myself into?” _ he asked himself. A large part of Dean couldn’t find it in him to care. Dean grinned after a moment.  _ “I’m about to fuck an angel.” _

A moment later, Cas’ voice echoed into his head, filled with amusement.  _ “Dean, you are about to  _ be fucked _ by an angel.” _

Dean froze for a moment, shock and trepidation coursing through him. He shook it off a moment later as his grin returned. “Well, shit. Boldly go where no man has gone before, right?” he mumbled to himself.

Cas was obviously listening in, as he sent Dean another wave of amusement as well as a mental image of himself naked on the bed in the room. Dean choked and stepped a little quicker. This was going to be  _ awesome _ .

In all their sidestepping and tripping around each other, the furthest they’d gone so far was to make out, with a few gropes here and there. Even when Sam had been away, Dean hadn’t felt confident enough to take that step. Now, though, he had no reason not to. As weird as it seemed, he felt like he had Sam’s blessing. 

Stepping into the room, Dean felt his breath catch at the sight that met him. Cas, in all his naked glory, was lying in bed just as he had shown Dean moments earlier. The hunter stood in the doorway, gaping at his love.

“Shut the door, Dean,” came the gravelly voice. 

Dean gulped and stepped inside, shutting the door behind him.

* * *

 

Sam smirked as he trotted up the stairs. He wasn’t sure, but he didn’t think Dean and Cas had had a lot of  _ alone time _ since he’d been back. Far be it from him to keep them from their happiness. He settled into bed and set an alarm early enough to get a run in before leaving. Just as he was falling asleep, he thought he heard a hollered  _ Cas! _ from the direction of Cas and Dean’s room. 

Sam laughed himself to sleep. 

The next morning, Sam leaned against the Impala as he waited for Cas and Dean. When they finally appeared, he couldn’t quite hold in his laughter.

Cas’ hair was even more mussed than usual, standing on end in definite sex hair. A deep purple hickey was visible on the side of his neck, and the shit-eating grin would have given him away even without the rest of the evidence. 

Dean was slightly limping, how legs seeming to be even more bowed than usual. His hair was too short to truly be mussed, but his clothes were rumpled and his flannel shirt was buttoned wrong. He was grinning as well, though, so he must have had fun. 

“So, Dean. Should we be getting separate rooms from now on?” Sam asked with an innocent look on his face. 

“Shut the fuck up, Sam,” he said without heat. “And  _ yes _ .”

Sam laughed aloud and entered the car, vowing not to give Dean too much shit about this. Just enough to earn the title of asshole little brother.

* * *

 

When they finally pulled into Bobby’s, all three of them were ready to be out of the car. Instead of stopping for another night, Dean had voted to make the eighteen hour trip all in one go. Sam trudged to his room, intending to collapse onto his bed and sleep for the next twelve hours.

Instead, he jolted to a stop as he took in the form sitting on his bed. 

“Gabriel?” he asked quietly, quickly stepping inside to shut the door. No need to send Dean on a rampage without finding out what was going on first. 

“Sam,” Gabriel said simply. He stood and pushed his hands into his jacket pockets. 

“What’s going on?” Sam prompted.

“I was talking to Cassie earlier and, uh… He had a good idea.”

Sam was starting to get the feeling that this conversation was going to be like pulling teeth. “Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah, he said you go to see a therapist? He might have mentioned it may be good for me to go as well.”

Sam felt his eyebrows shoot up in shock. “Yeah, I see a psychologist in town. That’s why we stay here in South Dakota so much.”

Gabriel sighed and looked generally awkward. “Cas said...we should see the therapist together.”

“He did?” Sam asked in surprise. “Is that what you guys were talking about the other day?”

“Some of it.”

Sam sighed and moved further into the room to put his things down. “I can see where it would be a bad idea to do this,” he said slowly. Before Gabriel could react, he continued. “But I can also see where it could be good. If nothing else, we could get closure. We’re both pretty fucked up, Gabriel.”

Gabriel snorted. “Yeah, I know. But...I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Sam. And I don’t want to be hurt, either. A lot of shit has gone down, and I know that a lot of it was my fault. I won’t accept responsibility for all of it, though. Cas made a good point, that seeing that woman together gives us a neutral ground to talk in, someone to mediate. A third party can help when things get heated.”

Sam felt his heartbeat quicken as he took in what Gabriel was saying. He wanted to  _ work on things _ , he was admitting that he’d fucked up. Maybe this was a new beginning for them. Before his hopes could get too high, Gabriel spoke again. 

“I know at this point we’ve gone past getting together, but like you said, we can get closure. Heal and move on.”

Rubbing a hand across his suddenly-weary eyes, Sam sighed. “Yeah, closure.” Speaking as he gathered clean clothes to wear after a shower, he said, “My appointment with Eileen is on Wednesday at two. You can meet me there a few minutes after two, so I can let her know you’re coming. I’m wiped from driving for a day straight, so if you don’t mind, I’m gonna shower and get some sleep.”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll see you Wednesday, then,” Gabriel said graciously. He was gone an instant later. 

Just in case he hadn’t really left, Sam pulled himself together and went to the bathroom. Once inside the bathroom and under the warm spray, Sam let a few tears fall from his eyes and mix with the water running down his face. He hadn’t had a lot of expectations for a relationship with Gabriel, but the useless hope for it had still been buried deep inside, somewhere close to the Grace he still held in his soul. 

Sam didn’t let himself wallow in sorrow. He finished his shower, dried his hair enough to sleep on, and fell into bed. He was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, the smell of bacon and eggs drew the hunter downstairs and to the kitchen. Dean was standing at the stove in his boxers, using a spatula to stir the eggs in the skillet. Cas was pouring three glasses of orange juice a few feet away. Sam blinked and tried to adjust to the sight of Cas in boxers and one of Dean’s shirts. 

Sam groaned as he sat down at the table. “Morning, guys,” he said, smiling at the ease with which the two of them moved around each other. It was heartening to see them so happy, in general and with each other. Still, a small part of himself craved that ease, that happiness. 

“Morning, Sammy,” Dean said over his shoulder as he divided the eggs onto plates that already held bacon. Cas headed for the toaster just as it popped, spewing three pieces of toast. Dean placed the empty skillet in the sink and handed Sam his glass of juice and a plate. Cas handed Sam a piece of toast and turned to place the other two pieces on his and Dean’s plates. 

As the three of them ate, Sam thought about how to broach the subject of Gabriel going to his therapy session the next day. The meal ended without him figuring out how. 

Most of the day passed much the same. A few times, he had opened his mouth to speak of it, but froze at the last moment. 

Cas must have caught his worried thoughts, because the seraph kept sending him encouraging looks. But Sam just couldn’t bring himself to tell Dean. 

He tossed and turned in bed that night, knowing this was going to turn badly. 

The next morning, he fidgeted the whole way to Eileen’s office. Dean shot him looks of annoyance and ones of question. As they pulled into the parking lot, Sam finally took a deep breath and turned to Dean. 

“Dean, I have to tell you something,” he said slowly. 

Dean raised a brow and looked over at Sam. With a calm he wasn’t truly feeling at the moment, he returned, “Does it have something to do with the fact that Gabriel’s sitting on the bench outside Eileen’s office?”

“What?” Sam yelped as he turned to look. Sure enough, there sat the archangel. When he saw the brothers looking his way, he sank a little lower into his jacket and waved awkwardly. 

Dean snorted. “Cas told me he mentioned it to Gabriel, coming to a session with you. I didn’t think he’d actually show.” 

“You’re not mad?” Sam asked as he worriedly bit his lip.

Sighing, Dean shot a glance to Gabriel, still looking awkward on the porch. “I’m not happy, Sam. But if this is going to help in the long run, I can’t tell you not to do it. I want you to be healthy and happy. I just worry about you. You’re my little brother.”

Sam smiled at Dean. “Geez, Dean. You need to get laid more often if it mellows you out this much.”

“Oh shut it, Samantha. Get out and go see Eileen. Tell her I’ll see her Friday.”

“I will,” Sam said, feeling proud of Dean for making his own appointments to talk to the therapist. From what he could tell, it really was helping the older hunter. Taking a deep breath, Sam exited the car and walked to where Gabriel sat. 

When he saw Sam coming, Gabriel stood and tried to smile politely. It came out more of a grimace, but Sam didn’t take offense. He knew what it was like to walk into this office for the first time. Trying to ease Gabriel’s mind a bit, he said softly, “Thank you for doing this, Gabriel. I think it’ll really help both of us.”

Gabriel winced. “I’m not so sure, but it can’t hurt.”

Sam let out a short laugh as he opened the door. The receptionist, Sarah, smiled warmly at Sam and welcomed him inside. Her smile slightly faltered when she took in Gabriel, but the smile returned quickly. 

“Who’s your friend?” she asked curiously.

“This is Gabriel. I was hoping he could join me in my session today.”

The door to Eileen’s office opened just then. “Hello, Sam. Just on time, as always.”

“Hi, Eileen. Hey, can we talk for just a second?” Sam asked quickly.

Eileen’s sharp eyes took in Gabriel’s hunched form and nodded, stepping back to let Sam into her office. Once the door was closed, she asked softly, “Sam, what did you need to talk about?”

“That’s Gabriel,” he said simply.

Eileen’s eyes widened in realization, having heard about Gabriel in many of their sessions. “I see,” she said. 

“Cas had told Gabriel that maybe it would be good for us to talk here, with you, and try to work things out. He asked me the other day, and I agreed. What do you think?”

The older woman studied Sam for a moment. “I think it needs to be your decision, not something you agree to.”

Sam sighed. “I think this is something that needs to be done, but I’m not sure I’m ready for it yet.”

“Sam, these sessions are for you, to help you heal. Bringing in someone who you’ve said has caused you pain in the past may not be the best way to do that. If you’re not ready to have a joint session, then you’re not ready. There’s no shame in that.”

“I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready, Eileen. I think… No, I  _ know _ that it’s now or never. I can’t keep letting the past define me. If I never take a risk like this, I may always regret it. And I have enough regrets to last many lifetimes.”

“All right, Sam. Let me know if it gets to be too much. I’m not sure how I could  _ make _ an archangel leave, but I’m more than willing to try if you need me to.”

Sam laughed. “I appreciate that, Eileen.”

“Now, the way these joint sessions go, it’s one full session. Then, I’ll see my next appointment and let you wait in one of the lounge rooms until it’s over. I’ll see you for a personal session after that hour is up. I won’t be able to see Gabriel if he decides to continue sessions, because of conflict of interest. But I’ll be happy to refer him to someone else, someone that Jody and I have vetted for the hunter community.”

“But how come you see me  _ and _ Dean?” Sam asked.

Eileen smirked at Sam. “Honey, do you really think your brother would have gone to see anyone I tried to recommend? He only came to see me because we played along and made it all about you. It took time for him to trust me enough to come to his own sessions. I’m not going to undo all that work for him just because I’m not supposed to see family members. In light of you boys saving my life, I think a pass is more than okay.”

“Eileen, you’re amazing,” Sam said. “Thank you, really, for everything you’ve done for us both.”

“I’d say it’s just my job, but I feel like it’s more than that. This is  _ my  _ thanks to you boys, for all the good you’ve done in the world.”

Sam felt tears prick at his eyes, feeling unworthy of the recognition. 

Eileen saw the emotion on his face and decided to change the subject. “Why don’t you go on to the bathroom and gather yourself. I’ll bring Gabriel in and get to know him a bit.”

Sam agreed and hurried to the bathroom, not wanting Gabriel or Sarah to see the tears still shining in his eyes. He took a few much-needed moments alone to compose himself before heading back to Eileen’s office. He knocked on the door and waited for permission to enter. 

Eileen was in her usual chair, looking unruffled as ever. Gabriel already looked harried, and sent Sam a grateful look when he entered. 

“Sam, have a seat over here, won’t you?” Eileen asked politely, gesturing to a chair across from Gabriel. “Gabriel was just telling me a bit about himself. Sounds like you’ve had quite the life as well,” she said, aiming the statement at the archangel.

“Uh, yeah. It’s been something,” he said awkwardly. 

Once Sam was settled, Eileen smiled at them both. “Now, before we start, I would like to remind you that this is a safe space. You can say whatever it is on your mind, there is no judgement here. But I would also like to ask you not to interrupt each other when the other one is speaking. Give the other person freedom to say what’s on their mind, and try not to attack each other. Don’t worry, I will remind you of these guidelines as we go along. Let’s get started. I believe, Gabriel, since you asked for this joint session, maybe you would like to start talking first?”

Sam heard Gabriel swallow loudly, but smiled encouragingly. The archangel ran a hand through his hair and looked pleadingly at Eileen. When the woman simply sat there, looking expectantly at him, he groaned. “I didn’t actually expect Sam to agree to this. I don’t know what to say.”

Eileen smiled. “Just say what comes to mind.”

“Okay. I think I made a mistake coming here.” When Sam shot him a bitchface, Gabriel raised hands in surrender. “What? That’s what came to mind!”

Eileen had no expression on her face when she simply asked, “Why do you think you made a mistake, Gabriel?”

“Because I want to ask for forgiveness, but I don’t think I deserve it.” Gabriel’s shocked expression told the other two present that he hadn’t meant to say that. 

“And why wouldn’t you deserve forgiveness?” came the soft question.

Gabriel looked down at his lap. “I’m a terrible person. I’ve killed...so many people. I’ve been alive literally longer than the Earth, and a trickster for over half of that time. I’ve destroyed cities, entire species, with no remorse, because that’s what Daddy told me to do. I’ve killed men, women, children, with little to no provocation, or because it’s what my twisted mind demanded as justice.” Gabriel scoffed. “Justice. You know, I say justice to make it sound better. Gabriel, meaning God is my strength, archangel of Heaven, seated at the left hand of God.” His voice turned dark and self-deprecating. “Angel of vengeance and death.”

“And by Daddy, you mean, God?” Eileen asked softly.

“God, Yahweh, Jehovah, Most High. Daddy dearest,” the angel said bitterly. 

Eileen leaned closer to the coffee table next to her chair, and poured herself a cup of water. “Why is it that you speak about your father, God himself, with sarcasm and bitterness?” she asked before she took a sip of her drink.

“He abandoned me, abandoned all of us. The youngest angels don’t even remember his Voice, how his presence was like standing next to the sun. When things started going south, he didn’t try to help, he just bailed and left us to flounder. We’d only ever known his orders, his direction, and suddenly we were all alone. I was barely even a teenager by your standards, only had a few millennia with him before he, you know, went out for a pack of smokes and never came back.”

Sam listened to Gabriel speak and suddenly felt a stirring of some emotion deep inside. Pity? Sympathy? Sam wasn’t sure what it was, but it helped shed some light on Gabriel’s personality and actions. Maybe it was more of empathy, since Sam’s own father had been largely absent during his childhood. Even when he was there physically, John had never truly been there emotionally. 

Eileen nodded as she listened to Gabriel’s words, making a mental note to definitely refer him to someone else. This archangel had a lot of issues, and one session was not going to cut it. She took another sip of her water before she spoke. “I can see that you have some issues when it comes to your family, and that is definitely something that you should delve deeper into. However, as I told you before Sam walked in, I am not the person to do that with. I do, however, have someone in mind that you could speak with, if you would like.”

Gabriel swallowed past the lump in his throat, not having expected to grow emotional over something that had happened so long ago. After a moment, he nodded. “May not take you up on it, but I can at least take a card. May get drunk and blubbery one day.”

“I’ll have Sarah find a card for you. We keep some on hand for cases like this, when we refer someone out. But let’s get back to you and Sam,” she said and then turned to look at Sam, who was watching them both with a pensive look on his face. “Gabriel said he doesn’t believe he deserves forgiveness, because he has killed many people. Sam, how do you feel about that? Do you believe that it is something you cannot forgive Gabriel for?”

Sam swallowed, glancing at Gabriel before focusing back on Eileen. “I think he was following his own code. When we confronted him as the Trickster when we first met, he was only targeting people who had done bad things, like coercing students into sex or performing experiments on animals. I think...that’s something that can definitely be forgiven. I can’t speak for stuff that was done in the Bible days, though. I don’t think he’s the same person he was back then.”

Gabriel suddenly grew angry. “That’s not the point!” he all but yelled.

“Gabriel,” Eileen said patiently, “Sam was speaking.”

“It’s okay, Eileen,” Sam said. Turning to Gabriel he asked, “Then what  _ is _ the point?”

Instead of answering, Gabriel groaned and tugged at his hair. “Why are you so  _ good? _ How has your shitty life not turned you into some raging douchebag I would be more than happy to punish? Father help me, you drive me insane, Winchester!”

Sam’s brows drew together at the angel’s words. Before he could speak, Eileen interjected.

“Is that what you want, Gabriel? To punish Sam somehow?”

Gabriel stood and began pacing. “Yes!  _ No! _ Fuck, I don’t know. I should  _ want _ to.”

“And why is that, Gabriel. Why should you  _ want  _ to punish Sam?”

“Because he’s too good!” Gabriel shouted. “All the shit he’s been through, every crap hand dealt to him by angels and demons and even his own fucking dad should make him into the worst kind of person, someone who kicks puppies and tears wings off butterflies. He went to  _ hell _ for Dad’s sake, was tortured by Lucifer himself for decades, and look at him now! He’s a giant fucking puppy with floppy hair who just wants to help people! He tries...tries to make the world a better place, a  _ safer _ place. And me?” Gabriel began as he collapsed back into his seat, suddenly weary, “I’m an  _ angel _ for crying out loud. I was created to bring truth and mercy to the world. All I bring is destruction and pain.”

Gabriel took in a deep, shuddering breath. “Look at him. You can see the purity, the love that just seems to be a part of him. I don’t know what that is. I don’t know  _ how _ to love. I’m a kid on a playground, pulling pigtails and hurting the one I claim to love. My fucking soulmate, if you can believe that. Tried to deny it, tried to run away from it, but he just kept drawing me back in with every goofy smile and his bright, earnest fucking soul. No, Eileen, I don’t want to punish Sam. In my twisted way, I guess I was trying to sully him some so maybe, just maybe, I could finally be worthy of him,” Gabriel whispered. 

Between one moment and the next, Gabriel was gone. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really thinking that the next chapter will be the last. Luce and I are on a roll, so we're going straight from this one to the next. Wish us luck!


	16. All Things Must End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Gabriel's abrupt departure from the session with Sam and Eileen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy and sad news guys. 
> 
> Happy news - for me - is that this is THE LAST CHAPTER.
> 
> Sad news is, well, this is the last chapter. But it's over 10k words, so it's nice and lengthy for yall. 
> 
> A few points real quick. This chapter touches HEAVILY on sexual abuse. If that bothers you, skip all of the italics in the middle of the chapter. If you do so, read the note at the end and I'll summarize the non-abuse parts that are in that section. 
> 
> Second point. Y'all, this has been a rollercoaster of emotion for me. I can't believe it's taken this long to finish, I can't believe how much response this has gotten, and I absolutely cannot believe how sad/relieved I am for it to finally be finished. 
> 
> That said, it brings me to my third point. I have tentative plans to write an epilogue. If anyone has requests for a specific scene or whatnot, leave it in the comments and I'll try my best to work it in! I love hearing from you guys, and I love to show that appreciation by letting y'all get some say in small bits of the writing. 
> 
> Okay, enough rambling. Without further ado, the 16th and final chapter of Happily (N)ever After.

Sam stared in shock at the couch where Gabriel had just disappeared from. After a moment, he turned to Eileen, but found her in just as much shock. (Though, maybe that was a little more due to the sudden absence of Gabriel, as opposed to Sam’s shock at what was essentially a declaration of love.)

Eileen finally seemed to gather herself. Clearing her throat, she said lightly, “Well, that was interesting. I really think we made some progress here.”

Sam laughed, somewhat hysterically, at her words. “I didn’t… I never knew. I just thought he was being an asshole.”

“Well, this is certainly not how we usually do things, but there is some time left before your session is over. Would you like to talk about it?”

Sam raked a hand over his face. “I’m really not sure what to say, Eileen. I think I just need some time to process everything.”

Eileen nodded. “I understand. Well then, let’s talk about your latest trip with Dean. How did that go?”

“Uh, it was fine. Mostly. Went after some witches, but they got the drop on us. Gabriel actually saved us all.”

“I see. Does he usually do that?”

“Not really? This was the first I’ve seen him since...since he brought me back.” Sam stuttered over the mention of his attempt at suicide. 

“And how did seeing him for the first time in so long make you feel?” Eileen asked.

Sam sighed, knowing that she was guiding the conversation back to what just happened. But he accepted it and answered her. “It wasn’t like I expected it to be. I thought there would be this big moment where everything came rushing back, but it was just...like a breath of fresh air. He completely took control of the situation, and that was, well, pretty hot. But he also made me mad in that he thinks we do this for the fun of it, like we’re not trying to save people.”

“From his outburst, I’d say he’s well aware of the reasons behind why you hunt monsters. Do you think, perhaps, he was worried about you?

“No, he was worried about Cas. He came out and said that,” Sam said in denial of her supposition.

“But, knowing what you know now, does that color your past involvements with him? Do any interactions take on a new meaning?”

Sam opened his mouth to deny it, but stopped and actually thought about it. How many times had he automatically assumed that Gabriel’s snarky comments were aimed at him, to hurt him or reaffirm his assumption that Gabriel the archangel could never want the tainted human? Now, though, Sam wondered if maybe it was Gabriel the broken man, assuming he could never be worthy of the do-gooder hunter. With an internal sigh of frustration, Sam finally answered Eileen. “Maybe? I don’t… I don’t really know what to think at this point.”

Nodding, Eileen reached over to pat Sam’s hand. “Think on it, Sam. We only have a few minutes left, so we can speak more on this next time. For the moment, is there anything else you would like to talk about?”

“Nothing really comes to mind,” Sam replied. He smiled politely and waited for Eileen’s usual response that came at the end of each session.

“Okay then, that’s our time for now. I’ll have Sarah look up the next appointment for today, so we can have a one on one session after you’ve had time to process.  I’ll also have Sarah give you the card of the therapist I wished to recommend to Gabriel. I know he left abruptly, but maybe you can give it to him,” Eileen replied.

“I doubt I’ll be seeing him any time soon,” Sam said with a grimace.

“Well, maybe Cas can give it to him then.”

Eileen got up from her chair, Sam following close behind. She ushered him to the door and smiled as she opened it for him. Sam walked out, huffing a breath of relief as he always did, every time he walked out of the meeting room; it had almost become a sort of Pavlov’s conditioning for him. It always felt like he was leaving the weight he had carried his entire life on his shoulders inside of the clinic, and every time he came back with more loads on his back, he left them inside and came out a little lighter.

Eileen smiled at his deep breath of relief, knowing that his burdens were lighter today than they had been when he’d first come to see her. 

Sam walked over to Sarah’s desk, smiling when she opened the schedule book to see when Sam could come back. After finding out when to return that evening and slipping the referral card into his pocket, Sam waved goodbye and headed out the door.

Dean, as always, was waiting for him. When he didn’t see Gabriel follow Sam out, a feeling of dread started up in the pit of his stomach. Dean waited for Sam to get in, waited until he was on the highway headed back home, before he brought it up. “So? How’d it go with Gabriel there?”

“Well, I can say that it definitely wasn’t what I expected. I’m...not really sure how to talk about it yet, Dean. I have to go back to see Eileen around six for another session. Standard procedure following a joint session,” he reassured Dean before the older brother could question him.

Sam sank into his seat and closed his eyes, unable to get rid of the sight of Gabriel sinking in on himself as he admitted his feelings. Sam didn’t know what to think. Did Gabriel still have those feelings? If he did, why had he spoken of moving on when he’d asked about the joint session two days before?

And what if he did still love Sam? Could Sam move past the last three years of emotional abuse? Was he ready to forgive Gabriel, try to move forward with him instead of move on without him? Either way, Sam wasn’t sure how to tell Dean what had been said. He knew that Dean would immediately deny Gabriel’s feelings, would say there was no way they were real if Gabriel had treated him so shittily.

Sam decided to talk to Cas about it, since he knew some of what had happened between the archangel and the human. Until then, Sam closed his eyes and tried to picture blankness instead of the pain on Gabriel’s face before he’d disappeared.

* * *

 

Back at the house, Sam sought Cas out and asked to talk. Once alone, Sam asked without preamble, “You knew Gabriel was in love with me, right?”

Cas blinked once at the question before nodding. “Yes, I knew. But Gabriel used his greater power to gag me, rendering me unable to speak of it.”

Sam grunted, frustrated with the archangel. “If he had just  _ said  _ something, we wouldn’t even be here.”

“Sam, forgive me, but what is this about?” Cas asked.

“During therapy today, Gabriel admitted that he loved me, that I’m his soulmate. But if that were true, he should have just said something sooner, then all of this would be moot!”

Cas smiled. “I’m sorry, Sam. I don’t find your situation amusing. It’s just that, I’ve felt the same about Dean for years. It took a decade for him to admit his feelings for me. For Gabriel, three years is a miracle.”

Sam laughed at Cas’ reminder of Dean’s stubbornness. “I just don’t get it, Cas. Where do we go from here?”

“Wherever you want,” Cas said simply. “Gabriel will likely shut himself off for a time, licking his wounds, so to speak. During that time, you should think about what you want.” Cas patted Sam’s head as he stood and left the room, leaving Sam to his thoughts. 

And so Sam thought, and debated, and contemplated. By the time his second appointment rolled around, he still had no idea. The second session with Eileen helped straighten some of his thoughts out, but he came away feeling just as lost and frustrated as before. 

Lying in bed that night, Sam sighed and gave up on trying to sleep. On impulse, he opened the drawer that hadn’t been opened in nearly two years - the one holding Gabriel’s feather and the piece of his jacket. Sam smiled at the memory, wished he could have seen Gabriel’s face when the ax came hurtling at him. 

As he reached for the feather, Sam hesitated a split second before reaching the rest of the way to pick it up. The peace that flowed through him was like coming home, reminding him of when this feather had been the only thing that could bring him back from his muted existence. 

As Sam cradled the delicate object, somewhat worried it would fall apart after being left alone for so long, Sam was overcome with the need to speak to Gabriel. “I don’t hate you,” he whispered to the golden feather, as though it were a direct line to Gabriel. “I could never hate you, Gabriel, even when I was hurting the most. I think...I think part of me knew how you felt, so it never gave up hope. Even in the psych ward, when they were asking me about the worst days of my life, nothing you did ever even made the list. I don’t know where to go from here, Gabriel, but I’m willing to try. I just hope that you are, too.”

Sam sighed as sleep finally began to claim him. “Goodnight, Gabriel,” he said sleepily. A moment later, he was out.

* * *

 

Gabriel was not one to talk about himself, at least not seriously. Nothing like his spiel earlier. He had never intended to admit so much, not to Sam at the very least. He should never have gone to that woman. Surely she was some sort of witch, to be able to drag the truth from him. 

He snorted, knowing that the woman had less traces of witch blood than Sam himself did. Still, he didn’t know what to do. Should he go underground again, witness protection version two-point-oh? Or face the fallout and accept whatever came his way? That had never been his style, but change started somewhere, right?

After spending hours just pacing around his favorite safehouse, waiting to be summoned and smote by an irate Dean, Gabriel finally threw himself onto his bed to try and sleep. Before he could get comfortable enough to try and force himself into sleep, Gabriel heard Sam’s voice.

Jolting upright, Gabriel looked around for the hunter. But the room was empty, as it had been moments earlier. Gabriel’s brows drew together as he tried to figure out where the voice was coming from. 

As the words became clearer and sharper, Gabriel finally realized that they were inside his head. Rolling his eyes at his own obliviousness, the angel closed his eyes to listen. Sam’s words nearly brought tears to his eyes. Of  _ course _ he was willing to try! Couldn’t the hunter see that that was why Gabriel had even broached the subject of joining him for a session?!

Apparently not, if he thought Gabriel was bailing now. When he heard Sam whisper goodnight, it was almost too much. Gabriel groaned and winged away to Bobby’s, zeroing in on Cas first. The seraph was by himself in the backyard, as though he knew Gabriel was going to appear. 

“I will tell Dean he is safe,” Cas assured him immediately.

Gabriel glared at him and opened his mouth to demand how he knew what was going on, but Cas held up a hand to hold him off.

“Sam thinks and prays...quite loudly. I hoped you might hear him and come talk.”

“Huh. Thanks, bro.” Gabriel walked away as he spoke, phasing through the wall like it wasn’t even there.

_ “And Dean calls  _ me  _ a showoff,” _ Cas thought to himself. He stepped back into the house - through the door, like a normal person - and went to find Dean. He knew the moment that Gabriel and Sam left, but waited a few extra minutes to tell Dean. The resulting fallout nearly had him sleeping on the couch, but Cas assured Dean that this was for the best. “They can speak freely, maybe even work things out finally. I just want them both to be happy, Dean. And I think the best way for that to happen is for them to be together.”

Dean sighed. “I know, Cas, and I agree for the most part. But I don’t want Sam to get hurt.”

“I don’t think he will, Dean. Trust me.”

Dean sighed and leaned over to kiss his lover. “I do, Cas.” A moment passed before a grin split his face. “Hey, babe. We have the house to ourselves.”

A moment later, Dean was in their bed, naked as the day he was born, with a hungry-looking angel between his thighs.

* * *

 

Gabriel looked down at Sam, asleep in his bed, and wished that this could be an everyday thing. The hunter looked  _ right _ in the giant bed that Gabriel’s vanity and hedonistic nature demanded. He brushed a hand over Sam’s hair and headed for the living room. The couch wasn’t a California King-sized bed with silk sheets, but it was fairly comfortable in its own right. 

Through the open door to his bedroom, he could still see Sam. It brought a warm feeling to him, knowing that Sam was there, just a few feet away.

Then again, Sam didn’t exactly know he was there. Suddenly, Gabriel was worried that Sam might not be happy about his change in scenery when he woke. Before he could work himself up too high, Gabriel forced himself to sleep. 

The next morning, he woke to a sore neck and aching back. Sleeping while sitting up hadn’t been the best idea. With a groan, he rubbed a hand over the area, letting the illusion of humanity dispel. Glancing into his room, he saw an empty bed. Gabriel was upright in an instant, hoping that Sam hadn’t left. Just as he began to worry about it, he heard the sink running in the bathroom. 

Breathing a sigh of relief, Gabriel sat back down and waited. A few moments later, Sam appeared in all his sleep-mussed glory. He froze in the doorway for a second before continuing into the room and plopping into a nearby chair, curling up more than should have been physically possible.

“Morning,” the hunter said, his voice still rough from sleep.

“Morning,” Gabriel echoed. “Uh...want some breakfast?”

“Sure,” Sam said with a smile. 

Gabriel snapped his fingers, watching Sam’s eyes widen at the spread that appeared. Fresh fruit and oatmeal, eggs and bacon, toast and jam. And, of course, pancakes for Gabriel. Sam snorted at the strawberry syrup.

“You did it on purpose, didn’t you?” he asked suddenly, still eyeing the syrup container.

Gabriel noticed where his eyes lingered and snorted. “I got tired of the game. It wasn’t making any difference, you were never going to accept Dean’s death. So I gave one tiny clue, not even sure if you’d pick up on it.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “If I’d known you were actually trying to help - as twisted as that help was, I may have been a bit more receptive to said help. You really need to work on your communication skills.”

“I’m well aware,” Gabriel replied drily. 

The two ate their breakfast in silence, both enjoying the peace. Gabriel raised a brow at Sam’s choice of pancakes with the aforementioned strawberry syrup, but didn't comment on it. Finally finished, Sam made to go wash his dishes, but a fingersnap later and he was holding air in his hands.

Gabriel snorted and waved a hand at the TV, turning it on and tuning it to a random movie for background noise. 

Sam settled back into his chair, feeling more awkward than before. “So, what now?” he asked.

Gabriel sighed and shrugged. “I’m not sure. Bringing you here was sort of spur-of-the-moment after I heard your prayer last night.” He watched a blush rise on Sam’s face, smirking at the disgruntled look on the human’s face. 

“I’d say stay out of my head, but I guess it  _ was  _ directed to you.”

“Yep. I guess… I guess I wanted to talk. I shouldn’t have left yesterday. Sorry about that.”

Sam blinked in surprise. “You know, that’s the first time you’ve apologized to me. Ever. At least seriously.”

“Huh. I think you’re right.”

The two lapsed into another awkward silence, Gabriel staring at the TV and Sam studying the apartment.

“Is this the same apartment from before? When Cas brought me?” Sam asked, grasping for a conversation piece.

“Nah, I cycle through my safehouses. Don’t like to stay anywhere for too long, especially after the other gods found out who I was.”

“Sorry about that, by the way. We asked a lot of you that day.”

Gabriel sighed. “It was the right thing to do. I may have hated most of them, but they didn’t deserve how they died.”

“Gabriel… About the cage…” Sam hesitated before he asked the question he’d been itching to ask for a very long time. “How did we get out?”

The archangel looked like he’d rather be anywhere but sitting there, talking about their shared Hell-cation. However, he simply took a bracing breath and looked Sam in the eye. “Lucifer let his guard down. He thought he had us both broken. But I’d been storing my Grace, and it only took a split second to use it. I broke my chains, grabbed you, and flew. We were topside before Lucy could react.”

Sam studied Gabriel, looked him up and down and took in the slumped shoulders, the indirect gaze, the succinct speech. He knew the angel wasn’t telling him everything. The question was, was it important enough to try and get the rest from him. 

When Gabriel finally looked at him and Sam saw the slight guilt on his face, his gut clenched. Yep, definitely worth it. 

“I don’t believe you,” he finally said. “At least, not that simplistic version. There’s more, and you don’t want to tell me.”

Gabriel shuddered slightly, closing his eyes. “You’re right, but Sam I  _ can’t _ talk about it. Not now, maybe not ever.” When Sam’s face shut down and anger began to swirl in his hazel eyes, Gabriel added, “But! I can unlock your own memories? I know you don’t like people dicking around in your head - don’t blame you there - but I promise to only undo what I did.”

Sam folded his arms and debated. After Gabriel’s accidental confession two days ago, Sam was somewhat more prone to trust the archangel. But it was still a risk. One Sam was willing to take if it meant finally getting back his memories and  _ knowing _ that he was actually here and not still stuck in hell. 

Finally, Sam sat forward in his chair and fixed his gaze on Gabriel. “Okay. I’ll let you do it.  _ But _ ,” he quickly added, “I need you to be ready to pull me out of my memories if I freak out or get lost in them. It’s happened before.”

“Yeah, that time at the diner,” Gabriel agreed.

“No, I went to a nuthouse because of it. I couldn’t sleep, kept seeing Lucifer in hallucinations and couldn’t differentiate between reality and what I was seeing. It was….bad,” he finished lamely, unable to verbalize the hell he’d gone through back on Earth after getting his soul back.

“I didn’t know that.” Gabriel said quietly.

Sam seemed to come back to himself, shaking off his memories. “How did you do it?” he asked. “How did you deal with your own memories, of your brother torturing us both?”

Gabriel shuddered once more and hunkered down on himself once more. “I built a wall, tend to not try to think past it. Comes out sometimes, can’t control it. Chains, uh...chains rattling is something that doesn’t usually go over well,” he admitted.

“Same with me,” Sam agreed. “And flashes of flames.”

Gabriel stood suddenly and wiped his palms down his thighs. “So, we doing this or what?” he asked, voice too high-pitched to be anything but freaked out about their conversation. 

More than willing to let it go, Sam agreed. As Gabriel moved to stand behind his chair, Sam let his head tilt back and rest on the back of the chair. “Promise to get me out if I get lost?” he asked quietly, suddenly not sure this was a great idea.

Gabriel smiled softly and ran a hand down Sam’s hair in a gentle, reassuring caress. “Promise. Close your eyes, Sam.”

Sam stared hungrily into Gabriel’s eyes for a moment before he did as the archangel bade. For long moments, the only sensations he knew were the feeling of Gabriel’s hands on the sides of his head and the sound of their collective quiet breathing. 

Heat began to creep over him, the slightest hint of chains rattling reached his ears, and Sam felt a jolt of absolute panic. 

He began to see a red flame in front of him, growing larger by the second. Suddenly, the flame was near him, on him,  _ through him _ .

_ Sam gasped and opened his eyes. When he saw a landscape of fire and flesh and chains, all he could feel was  _ elation _ that he had done it - he had beaten the devil himself and wrested control long enough to save the world.  _

_ The elation wavered as it sank in that he had volunteered to be the devil’s plaything, that he was stuck here for the rest of eternity. Just as he thought it, a dark chuckle came from behind him. Sam whirled around, taking in the menacing figure of Lucifer as he leisurely strolled closer. _

_ “Hey there, roomie. Let’s get acquainted,” Lucifer mocked. The next second, he was right next to Sam, gripping his shoulders tight as he leaned in to whisper, “This is going to be so much  _ fun _!” His forked tongue slipped from his mouth to lick a stripe up the side of Sam’s face. The shudder that went through the hunter’s body prompted a gleeful chuckle from the demented former angel.  _

_ Sam stayed silent, not wanting to give Lucifer the satisfaction of any more reactions. He would get through this. He was stronger than the devil.  _

_ The mantra ran through Sam’s head every day for the next decade, through every session of torture - skin being peeled from him like skinning a deer, his guts falling out of his body through various wounds as Lucifer licked the knife and watched him heal, every nail plucked from every digit as slowly as possible. Sam stayed strong through it all.  _

_ Eventually, Lucifer grew tired of the game. One day, there was a new player.  _

_ Sam’s eyes widened as Gabriel was dragged into view from somewhere behind him - obviously, Sam hadn’t had free reign of the place, hadn’t been able to explore and see what else there was besides his little corner of hell.  _

_ Lucifer chained a rather weak Gabriel to the cage wall a few yards from Sam and forced his head up to look at the hunter, still healing from the latest torture round. “Look, little brother, it’s Sammy, your favorite hunter. You know, the one you  _ love _.” Lucifer drew the word out mockingly, but the spiteful glee on his face spoke of something else.  _

_ Sam was confused, but also a bit flattered. If it were true, a freaking  _ archangel _ liked Sam, despite his demon blood and checkered past.  _

_ Lucifer saw the look on Sam’s face and the glee turned ugly. Like a spoiled child who doesn’t want to share, he didn’t like the idea that Sam returned Gabriel’s affections.  _

_ That was the day things took a darker turn.  _

_ He sauntered up to Sam, eyeing him up and down lasciviously. “I suppose I could see what he sees in you. A bit tall, but that can be fixed.” He snapped and laughed at Sam’s new position, the chains at his wrists forcing him to his knees.  _

_ Sam grunted at the force with which his knees hit the ground below him, at the pain in his arms as the chains pulled tight and disallowed any movement. When Lucifer appeared in front of him and reached for his pants, fear sluiced through Sam, as did revulsion and nausea.  _

_ Lucifer paid no heed to Sam’s struggles to move away. When the hunter tried to duck his head, Lucifer gripped his hair tight and yanked his head up. Sam’s involuntary cry at the pain allowed Lucifer to hurriedly slam his half-hard cock into Sam’s mouth. Sam gagged, but that was of little matter to the man above him.  _

_ Sam tried to breathe through his nose, tried not to gag, but he was given no quarter. Only when Lucifer withdrew from his mouth in order to degradingly slap his member across Sam’s cheek was Sam able to breathe deeply. The next moment had him struggling for breath once more. Mostly out of reflex - Dean had shoved one too many fingers in Sam’s face as a kid - Sam bit down on the invading object.  _

_ Lucifer grunted and pulled away to slap Sam’s face, this time with his hand. “Bad dog,” he scolded. A calculating look entered his eye. “The next time you try something stupid, little bro gets the punishment.” _

_ Sam nodded after a moment, still somewhat dazed from the slap. But, as hard as he tried, he was unable to keep his reactions stifled. On a particularly hard thrust, Sam gagged again and his teeth closed down slightly.  _

_ Lucifer ripped away with a growl and stepped toward Gabriel. A long knife appeared in his hand. Moments later, it became embedded in Gabriel’s shoulder. As the angel cried out in pain, Sam felt his resolve weaken. Tears, which had until now remained absent, formed in his eyes to drip slowly down his cheeks. _

_ “I’m sorry, Gabriel, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to,” he babbled, aimed at the wounded angel.  _

_ As Lucifer stalked back to Sam, Gabriel lifted his head and said softly, “It’s…’kay, kid. Just...hold on...a while longer.” _

_ Not bothering to pay attention to Gabriel’s words, Lucifer stepped back into Sam’s space and gripped his jaw tightly until the hunter opened his mouth. He jammed himself back into Sam’s mouth and, using his hold on Sam’s hair, fucked his mouth in earnest. Tears leaked from Sam’s eyes at the rough treatment but he didn’t make a sound. _

_ For longer than Sam cared to count, Lucifer made use of his mouth. Finally, his hips began to stutter and he suddenly pulled away, taking the opportunity to degrade the hunter by ejaculating on Sam’s face. “You like that, don’t you, Sam?” He bent down, limp cock hanging free, and licked the shell of Sam’s ear. “You’re  _ mine _ , Winchester. Never forget that.” _

_ He roughly released Sam’s hair and walked away, casually tucking himself back into his pants.  _

_ Sam felt the chains weaken, allowing him somewhat freer movement. He immediately hunched over, bile burning his throat as he vomited. Coughing and gagging, he glanced up at the bleeding angel, his form blurry through the tears still clinging to Sam’s lashes. “I’m so sorry, Gabriel. Are you okay?” he asked worriedly, voice hoarse from both the abuse and the resultant vomiting.  _

_ Gabriel snorted, then groaned at the movement. “Why the hell are you apologizing to me? Lucifer just used you as a fleshlight.” The slightest hint of worry colored his tone. _

_ “Thanks for the added reminder,” Sam snarked, trying to wipe his face off on his shoulders. Silence filled the space between them for a long while as Sam centered himself once more before speaking again. “Was he telling the truth?” he asked shyly. “Do you really...like me?” He rolled his eyes at himself. “Fuck. I’m in hell, sounding like a schoolgirl. What is my life?” _

_ Gabriel grunted, his words coming out jaded and somewhat cruel. “Your life is apparently an all-access pass to devil-dick. And mine is a front row seat to the show.” _

_ He didn’t say anything else, which, to Sam, answered his question. _

_ Still, tears pricked at Sam’s eyes at his callousness. “Why are you such a dick?” _

_ To his credit, Gabriel looked slightly contrite. He sighed and spoke, sounding apologetic, “Sam, I…” He swallowed tightly. “I don’t cope well. That was way outta line, and I’m sorry.” He raised his head and looked at Sam, calling his name until the hunter met his eyes. “I’m  _ sorry _ , really. You definitely don’t deserve to be treated this way, by me or by him.” _

_ Sam said nothing, still hurt and angry over the angel’s remark. After everything he'd been through, the hunter did not take abuse lightly. His autonomy had been ripped away countless times, and it was something he'd never wanted to experience again.  _

_ This, though, was a new and wholly unwelcome experience. As large as Sam was, he'd rarely been approached by anyone who wanted him consensually, let alone anyone who wanted to try and force him.  _

_ Shuddering at the thought of continued abuse, Sam tried to be strong. But tears welled once more at the knowledge that no one was coming, he wasn’t going to get his own Heavenly host fighting their way to save him like Dean had.  _

_ The war was over - the angels had no more use for him. Sam was nothing now. Like Gabriel had said, just the plaything of the Devil. _

_ “I’ll get us out of here, Sam. Just gotta - ungh - recharge some.” _

_ Sam didn’t respond. He knew he was doomed to stay here forever. No point in getting his hopes up. _

_ Gabriel saw the despondency on Sam’s face, knew that he was giving up hope. But Gabriel wouldn’t. He would keep his promise - he was going to get Sam out of here. _

**_*************************_ **

_ Decades passed in the cage. Eventually, Sam came to realize that both Michael and Adam were trapped as well, though Lucifer didn’t bother them much. He occasionally fist-fought with Michael, but thankfully left Adam alone.  _

_ Instead, his abuse centered mostly around Sam. When he tired of Sam or wanted to mess with his head, that abuse was transferred to Gabriel.  _

_ In the fleeting moments of being left alone, the two seemed to grow closer. Sam felt more unworthy of love than ever, but that didn't seem to stop the feeling from blossoming in him with every conversation the two had. He learned more about Gabriel than he'd ever thought to know, from favorite foods and colors to his deepest regrets.  _

_ It seemed, however, that Lucifer could sense the growing bond between them. His abuse grew steadily more depraved, forcing himself on Sam while Gabriel watched or torturing Gabriel while Sam looked on in despair.  _

_ The day that Lucifer’s attentions to Gabriel turned sexual as well was the day that Sam lost hope. His eyes took on a deadened, glazed appearance, and he was pliant to anything Lucifer subjected him to. He would numbly nod his head when the fallen angel asked for his compliance, but never moved beyond that.  _

_ He never saw the growing desperation in Gabriel’s eyes, nor the resolve when he realized that he was growing stronger once more. In the end, all it took was waiting for Lucifer and Michael to come to blows once again.  _

_ With his brothers otherwise engaged, Gabriel began to focus his grace on the chains holding him to the wall. Michael glanced his way, but quickly drew Lucifer’s attention once more. Gabriel felt a rush of... _ something _ for his older brother. Thankfulness for distracting Lucifer? Either way, it was all the distraction he needed. A moment later, the chains were obliterated and Gabriel was by Sam's side.  _

_ Panic overtaking him as he heard Lucifer’s shout of anger, Gabriel gripped Sam by around the waist and  _ flew. _ Before they could make it out, Lucifer caught up to them. Fury was evident on his face, but Gabriel saw the resignation as well. With a look of glee, Lucifer thrust his hand into Sam’s back and gripped tightly at the ethereal soul inside, yanking it from Sam as Gabriel and the hunter continued to barrel upwards. _

_ With the bright light of Sam’s soul clutched in his hand, Lucifer let himself fall back to the bottom of the cage, resentment and fury bubbling in his chest. But oh, it would be so sweet to punish Sam this way, to taint that brightness he held. _

_ Gabriel ignored the guilt that flared in his heart at the thought of leaving Sam’s soul behind. Instead, he focused on just getting them back to Earth.  _

_ It hurt. Sam slowly came back to himself as they rocketed through the cage and up through the recesses of hell. Memories slammed into him and he began to shake.  _

_ “Can't do this right now, kiddo. We're almost there, just hang on!” _

_ Sam clutched at Gabriel and tried to hold himself together. As they seemed to breach the crust of the earth and into the living world, his tentative hold seemed to shatter.  _

_ Gabriel landed them miles away, in a meadow that Sam was in no state of mind to appreciate. As the angel let go of the hunter, Sam collapsed into a heap on the ground, shaking and muttering. He turned to vomit and groaned, broken sobs wracking his lanky form. Gabriel suddenly gripped Sam's head, forcing him to look into whiskey-colored eyes.  _

_ “Sam,” he whispered, “I am so sorry that this happened to you. If you want, I can take it away.” _

_ Sam shuddered and nodded, desperation in his eyes.  _

_ Gabriel sighed and nodded, one hand moving from Sam's cheek to the back of his head as the other came up to press two fingers to Sam's forehead. Sam felt heat build behind those fingers, closed his eyes, then... _ nothing. 

_ He was numb, but in a good way. He felt like nothing was holding him back. Glancing around the empty field, Sam shrugged at the missing knowledge of how he'd gotten there or where he’d been. Oh well.  _

_ Time to go hunting. _

* * *

 

Sam jolted back to himself a moment later. If his memories directly following his return were to be trusted, he hadn’t gotten far from that field before Cas had found him. Despite Sam’s request, Dean hadn’t gone to Lisa; he and Cas had stuck together, hunting and working to try and get Sam out of hell. Neither knew how he’d gotten out, but Cas had figured out fairly quickly that his soul was missing. 

Getting it back had been part of what sent him into the first psych ward.

Back in the present, Sam barely had time to open his eyes and jolt forward before he was vomiting, bile and breakfast mixed together as the overwhelming emotion and influx of information hit him. After a few moments, he leaned back in the chair, gasping for breath. Once he had caught his breath and no longer felt as though he would be sick, he opened his eyes and looked up to meet Gabriel’s steady - if wary - gaze. “Fuck,” he finally said. 

Gabriel snorted and walked around to flop onto the couch, nonchalantly snapping his fingers to get rid of the mess. “You said it,” he agreed. 

“But I don’t understand why you were worried about me knowing all that,” Sam said, voicing his confusion.

With a sigh, Gabriel explained, “Sam, I abandoned your soul - what makes you  _ you _ . I left the biggest part of you in hell. I couldn’t protect you from losing it in the first place!”

“Okay. But how, exactly, could you have stopped Lucifer from taking it?”

Gabriel hung his head, tangling his fingers together. “I couldn’t have,” he admitted in a low tone, shame evident in his voice.

“Gabriel, you got us both out of hell! That’s more than I ever could have done.”

“You lost your  _ soul _ in the process!”

“Well, good news, I got it back.”

“Don’t do that! Stop being so...so flippant about this! I wronged you, left your soul to rot in hell with Lucifer to use it as a punching bag. Fuck, why are you like this?”

Sam raised a brow. “Why am I what? Forgiving? I guess it’s just who I am.”

Gabriel groaned and buried his face in his hands. “You’re fucking annoying, is what you are.”

Sam grinned. “Says the angel stuck with me,  _ soulmate _ ,” he said loftily.

The angel leveled an unamused glare at him before agreeing. “Yeah, you're right. I am stuck with you.”

“I think I'm okay with that,” Sam said with a small smile. 

“You're crazy,” Gabriel said with rolled eyes. He sobered after a moment. “I have a confession to make,” he whispered.

“Oh, yeah?” Sam asked, growing somewhat concerned. 

“We’re kinda sorta married.”

“Wait, what?”

“That night that Cas brought you over, my grace took over. Well, that’s a cop-out. My grace started it but I finished it. As Cas would say, we share a profound bond.”

Sam snorted. “No eye sex, please. I’ve had my fill of eye sex.”

“How about  _ actual _ sex?” Gabriel joked.

Sam groaned as his hands clenched on the arms of his chair. “Gabriel, I don’t - fuck. I don’t think that’s the best idea.”

“And why not?”

“Well, first of all, I’m still stuck on  _ married _ . Second of all, we’re not even in a relationship! I usually like to have some sort of monogamy with a partner.”

“I want that, too, Sam. So, what now?”

“I think… I think I need a day or two to process all this. I don't think it changes anything, but I was missing a lot of memories. I want to process them and maybe talk to Eileen about them.”

Gabriel sighed. “Probably a good idea. Well, I'll take you home.”

Sam stayed seated, looking anxious. 

“What's the matter?”

“I just realized that I bailed on Dean. He's either gonna be worried or pissed.”

Gabriel laughed. “I told Cassie last night that I was moose-napping you. He said he'd tell Dean-o. Although, big, empty house to themselves? Maybe I need to make sure the coast is clear.”

“Gross!” Sam laughed. “But you're probably right.”

“Be right back, Sammich.”

Sam relaxed the moment Gabriel disappeared. While he hadn't lied to the angel about being worried about Dean’s reaction, there was more to it. The more he thought about the newly-unlocked memories, how he and Gabriel had tried so hard to help each other in hell, it had been harder and harder not to touch the angel. 

Not for a sexual purpose, but to make sure he was really there. That he was  _ okay _ . Sam knew he was going to have nightmares about the new memories, about seeing Gabriel strung up and tortured. He was tempted to simply stay with the other man, but he knew that would ultimately lead to Bad Decisions™. 

He had told Gabriel the truth - he didn't want to simply jump into bed. For all that they were apparently angel-married, Sam needed to know that he was ready emotionally for such a big step. 

He was also aware that he was probably going to crash emotionally, whenever he reconciled his abuse at Lucifer’s hands. He didn't want to put Gabriel through that. Dean, at least, knew how to help him until they could get to Eileen. 

Before Sam could get too deep into his fears for tomorrow, Gabriel returned. 

“Coast is clear. They're both asleep. I may or may not have taken a picture of Dean Winchester, the little spoon.” Seeing Sam’s bitchface, he said quickly, “They weren't naked! Geez, that's a step too far even for me.”

Sam rolled his eyes and smiled indulgently. “Guess I'll just have to trust you on that,” he said lightly as he stood. His words carried more weight than the tone implied. 

Gabriel caught his underlying meaning and nodded. “Guess so. Now come here for a sec. If I'm going to be a taxi, I want some payment,” he leered. 

“And what kind of payment did you have in mind?” Sam played along. 

“I think… Fuck, is it lame to ask for a hug?”

Sam looked surprised for a moment at the unexpectedly-innocent request. Before Gabriel could take it back, he stepped forward and wrapped his long arms around the angel, who quickly returned the embrace. At the contact, they both sighed in relief. 

Without letting go, Gabriel opened his wings and flew. He tried to fly a bit slower than normal, to prolong the contact. But, even then, they landed in the yard of Bobby’s house within moments. 

With a regretful sigh, Gabriel released Sam and took a step back, away from temptation. He gave a smile and a wave, watching as Sam did the same before walking inside the house. Somewhat reluctantly, Gabriel winged away back to his safe house. 

Sam forced his feet away from Gabriel and toward the house, ignoring every instinct that begged him to turn around and kiss the angel. As the door closed behind him, a spike of fear bolted through him. What if he was making a huge mistake? Heart racing, Sam whirled around and threw the door open, calling out as he went. “Gabriel!” he cried, but the yard was empty. 

Disappointment weighing his heart down, Sam turned to go back inside. Before he could make it to the door, the sound of wings behind him had him freezing in place.

“Sam? Are you okay?” Gabriel asked, worry coloring his tone. He’d felt Sam’s longing, his desire, as he’d walked away moments ago, but Gabriel wasn’t going to assume anything of the hunter. After everything he’d been through, Sam deserved to make the first move, to not be coerced into anything. 

Now, though, he simply caught echoes of fear and despair. “Sam?” he repeated, needing a sign that the hunter was okay. 

The next moment had Sam stalking up to him, a fierce look on his face. Planting his feet in front of Gabriel, Sam took a deep breath before thrusting his large hands into Gabriel’s hair to hold him still for the sudden kiss he planted on the frozen angel’s lips. 

Gabriel stayed still long enough for Sam to worry that he’d overstepped. But, before he could pull away, Gabriel came to life. His own hands slid around Sam’s neck as he jumped, legs coming up to wrap around Sam’s waist and give them a better angle to work with. Sam laughed into Gabriel’s mouth as his hands automatically grasped Gabriel’s butt to hold him there. 

Unlike their first kiss - years ago, when it had been a last-ditch effort to save the withering angel - this kiss was like coming home. Warmth filled them both, like standing in the sun on a chilly day. The warmth chased away the insecurities that both men still held in their hearts, chased away the fear of unrequited affections.

Sam’s world narrowed to the angel in his arms, to adjusting their heads for the best angle and their bodies for the maximum amount of contact as he turned to brace Gabriel against the house. Almost without him even noticing, his body grew aroused at the stimulus. He definitely noticed when Gabriel’s followed suit. 

As for the angel, he hadn’t felt this...complete in a long time. His grace reached out, begging for the soul-deep connection they’d once had. At the first touch of his grace to Sam’s skin, he observed the hardening of Sam’s cock, prompting his own arousal. Rather than an overpowering urge, it was more a distant, comforting sensation. Instead, he was more focused on the spiritual bonding currently happening. 

As the first tendrils of his power touched the remnants of their former bond, Gabriel gasped and flung his head back. Sam buried his face into Gabriel’s neck, echoing the gasp. On a plane that Sam shouldn’t be able to see but somehow could, a bright light flared between them. 

Somehow, Gabriel pulled his grace back just enough to forestall a repeat bonding. As much as he craved it, he knew it needed to be a joint decision, rather than spur of the moment. In spite of his resolve, the light continued to build between them. At its zenith, heat lashed out at both of them, freezing them in place as their emotions seemed to bleed into one another. 

Sam felt Gabriel’s resolve to let Sam choose the pace, his absolute certainty in how he felt. Gabriel felt the longing in Sam’s heart, the tentative acceptance of his feelings. Arousal bled from both of them. 

As quickly as the emotional melding began, it ended. Both men gasped at the overwhelming sensation of being too big for their skin. They fought to control their breathing, clinging to each other in the aftermath. 

Finally catching his breath, Gabriel said, “Well, that was weird.”

Sam snorted, still working to breathe normally. “I’ll say. Hell of a second kiss. I get the feeling that nothing is ever going to be simple with you.”

Gabriel laughed and pressed a lingering kiss to Sam’s lips. “I thought you liked your life exciting.”

“I like  _ you _ ,” Sam said shyly. 

His head thunking back onto the exterior of the house, Gabriel groaned. “You’re going to be the death of me,” he joked. 

Sam pressed closer to him, forcing their bodies even tighter together. Sam moaned as the position put more pressure onto their erections. 

“Stuck between a house and a hard place, “ Gabriel joked. 

Before Sam could retaliate, Dean burst outside with a shotgun in hand, wearing nothing but boxers. Catching sight of the two caught in a passionate embrace, he froze. Once his mind caught up to his eyes, a look of disgust came over his face. “Dude. Keep it down,” he said, striving for calm. 

Gabriel bit his tongue, sensing that Dean was struggling with the new development. “I’ll see you later, Sam. Call out if you need me,” he said earnestly. He pressed a quick kiss to Sam’s lips and disappeared.

Sam took a moment to adjust his pants and brace himself before turning around. Dean didn’t look pissed, but that didn’t mean the emotion wasn’t there. “So?” he asked, wanting to get this out of the way.

“Didn’t mean to bust out on you guys. Heard a noise, assumed the worst.” 

“It’s okay. I need to get some sleep, so it was for the best.” Sam headed inside, tossing back casually, “He unlocked my memories of hell.”

Dean cursed, adding a mental note to text Eileen. “You gonna be okay?”

“Eventually. I think… Dean, I think we can work this out. But I need to accept everything that’s happened to me before I feel comfortable jumping into anything.” 

Dean sighed and propped the shotgun against the door as he shut it behind him. “I'm proud of you, Sam, for being cautious. I don’t trust him, but if you do, I guess that’s good enough for me.”

Sam smiled and tried not to touch his lips. “I think I do trust him now. He could have left stuff out from being in hell, but he showed me everything. And, I don’t know, man. Something happened out there,” he said with a waved hand toward the back yard. “I felt what he was feeling. It was...overwhelming, but in a good way. I believe him.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Twitterpated,” he grunted.

“Bambi, Dean? Really?”

“It’s a classic!”

Laughter echoed in the kitchen as the brothers let themselves relax. It was nice to have family.

* * *

 

Sam tossed and turned in bed, trying to get comfortable. Part of the problem was knowing that nightmares were inevitable once he fell asleep. He sighed in frustration and threw back the covers, intending to find help at the bottom of a bottle. Not the best coping method, but one guaranteed to put him to sleep.

Before he could make it to the door, a sound behind him had Sam whirling around. Seeing Gabriel lying in his bed, Loki pajamas and all, had a grin tugging at his face. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, Cas told me that you think pretty loudly, and he was right. I could hear you all the way at my place. So, instead of letting you get roaring drunk, I’m here to help you sleep.”

With a raised brow, Sam stepped closer to the bed. “And just how are you going to do that?”

Laughing, Gabriel patted the bed. “With grace, duh. Get your mind out of the gutter, Winchester.”

“Says the man who tried to proposition me this morning.” Still, Sam settled into the bed beside the angel. 

Gabriel just grinned. “Have you seen you? Of course I tried to proposition you. But this is nice, too,” he said softly. 

Sam smiled as Gabriel slid closer and rested his head on Sam’s arm. “Yeah,” he agreed, pulling the other man closer, “this is nice.” 

As the two settled in for the night, Gabriel brushed his fingertips across Sam’s forehead, sending the hunter into a deep and restful sleep. He followed a moment later.

************************

When Dean woke the next morning, he  _ knew _ something was different. Not wrong, per se, just out of the ordinary. He went about his business, getting ready for the day and heading downstairs to cook breakfast. 

Thirty minutes later, he understood what had been bothering him as Sam and Gabriel appeared in the kitchen, not quite touching but close enough to brush against each other as they walked. 

Dean stopped and stared at them for a long moment, studying their faces in turn, before nodding and turning back to the stove. “Not judging, but didn't you leave yesterday?” he asked Gabriel as he stirred the eggs. 

“Did. Came back. Nightmares are a bitch, especially ones you have no time to prepare for. Hey, we should start our own club! ‘Been to Hell and back and all I got were these lousy nightmares’.” 

Despite the levity of the words, Dean saw the flash of underlying pain in the angel’s eyes. Playing along, he snorted. “More like ‘Been to Hell and got a boyfriend’.”

Gabriel gasped mockingly and drew his hand to his chest in a shocked gesture. “Dean Winchester, why I never! Are you mocking our collective times in hell as nothing more than a cheap trick to get a man?” He laughed and continued, “I mean, it worked every time, but still.”

Cas walked in at that moment, prompting Dean to look at his love with metaphorical heart eyes. “Worth it,” the Winchester muttered. 

Sam rolled his eyes and repeated Dean’s words from the night before. “Twitterpated.”

“Bambi, Sammich?”

“It’s a classic!” came the rebuttal from both hunters. 

As Sam laughed, he glanced around at the faces surrounding him. It wasn't complete, and by no means was it normal, but this was his family. 

And he wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

 

The warm feeling that had washed over Sam during breakfast had all but dissipated by the time he and Gabriel headed back upstairs to talk. The seriousness of the coming conversation had pulled all levity from him. He wasn't entirely sure  _ why _ he felt such dread, but it was there, coiled in his gut as he trudged up the stairs. 

Gabriel glanced back at him with concern but left him to his thoughts. When they finally stepped back into Sam’s room, the hunter sighed and sat heavily on the bed. 

“What now?” he asked of the angel. 

“Well,” Gabriel replied, “that's kind of up to you. Do you want to see where this goes? Stick it out and see if we're on the level of Destiel?”

Sam barked a laugh as his nose scrunched. “Sambriel? Sabriel? I think I like that.”

Rolling his eyes, Gabriel enjoyed the smile on Sam’s face. It was a nice change from the worried expression from moments ago. “I like it, too.”

“I want….I want  _ you _ , Gabriel. All of you. Good, bad, ugly, and angelic. Can you give that to me?”

Looking pensive, Gabriel leaned against the footboard. “I think I want to try,” he finally said. Seeing the flash of disappointment cross Sam’s face, he panicked. “Sam, I'm not good at emotions. I've spent millennia trying to tamp them down. I can't just turn them back on like  _ that _ ,” he said with a snap for demonstration. 

“I understand that, but I'm putting myself out there for you. I just need the same in return.”

Fire lit behind Gabriel’s eyes. In a blink, he was in front of Sam, nudging his way between the hunter’s knees as a hand came up to grip at the back of Sam’s neck. “Never doubt that I am all in, Sam Winchester,” he said in low tones as he bent down. 

When their lips touched, fire licked through both of them. As Gabriel’s grace flared out to brush against Sam’s senses, the hunter understood. 

Somehow in the last day, he'd forgotten the rush of feelings he'd gotten from the angel during their last kiss. His insecurities had gotten the better of him, causing him to doubt both Gabriel and their fledgling relationship. As those feelings flowed through him once more - the patience, the certainty of what he felt - Sam made a noise of surprise at the newest emotion that all but slammed into him.  _ Lust _ . 

The breath seemed to flee from Sam as the feelings from Gabriel washed through him. He jerked his head back and gasped for breath, fingers clutching at the angel’s shirt to hold him close. Gabriel smirked and moved his attention to Sam’s neck, attacking with fervor. 

Between the kisses, licks, and nips on tender skin, Gabriel spoke. “I may not be able to show emotions well, and Dad knows I can’t talk about them, but I can make you  _ feel _ them.”

“Gabriel -  _ fuck _ ,” Sam grunted. 

Snorting, Gabriel sucked a mark into Sam’s skin. “Is that a proposition, Sam?”

“ _ Yes _ , dammit, Gabe. Why are you like this?” the hunter asked in exasperation. 

“Because it’s fun,” the angel said with a grin. A moment later, however, he snapped his fingers and transported them back to his apartment. “Location change was a must if we’re really planning on doing this.”

“Agreed, but if you don’t kiss me soon, I swear-”

Sam’s threat was cut off by Gabriel’s lips, finally kissing him once more. It was just as powerful without the grace connecting them, taking Sam’s breath with the heat and the way it made him feel - as though his heart would burst from his chest. 

Stumbling through the living room and into the bedroom, curses littered the air around them as emotions ran high - and as they bumped into things. 

“Gabriel, you’re killing me,” Sam said with a sigh as he was pushed into yet another wall. 

Gabriel smirked and slipped his hands down Sam’s torso to fumble with the belt holding his pants up. “I don’t know, Sammich, I think you’ll like this one,” he promised, finally unbuckling the belt and moving on to the button and zipper. 

Sam groaned and let his head fall back as he felt Gabriel’s warm hands pushing his pants down his long legs. Underwear followed quickly, and Sam bit back a gasp as the cool air hit the heated, slick skin of his erection. Chancing a look down, Sam was rewarded with the sight of Gabriel going to his knees. His dick immediately hardened even more, his vision blacking out around the edges at the sudden lack of blood. 

Gabriel snorted. “You’re so easy to rile up,” he murmured. Without waiting for a reply, he leaned forward and unceremoniously took Sam’s full length into his mouth. 

_ “Fuck!” _ Sam exclaimed, his hand gripping Gabriel’s hair tightly. 

_ “We’re getting there; be patient.” _ Gabriel’s admonition rang in Sam’s head, reminding the hunter of who he was with. 

A smug smirk bled onto Sam’s face as he conjured up the dirtiest, sexiest images he could of the two of them, projecting them to Gabriel. He was rewarded with a groan from the angel that sent vibrations down the length of his dick - a double-edged sword that simultaneously teased and brought him that much closer to completion. 

“Gabe, wait, stop. I want….I want…” Unable to say the words aloud, Sam projected an image of Gabriel, balls-deep in Sam as they both came. 

Pulling away abruptly, Gabriel snapped to undress them both and hurriedly stood to press Sam closer to the bed. “Dammit, Sam. I had plans,” he grumbled. “But I guess those can wait since you’re so impatient.” The words were said without heat, muffled by the fact that Gabriel’s mouth was trailing along Sam’s torso. When his lips and tongue found a nipple, Sam arched into him and moaned. 

Gabriel grinned and used both hands to gently shove Sam, pushing him onto the large bed. “Up, up. I need room to work here.”

Sam was quick to comply, scooting back to rest his head on a soft pillow while Gabriel followed and gently pressed his legs apart before using his powers to summon a large bottle of lube. “Condoms?” Sam asked expectantly.

“Please. I’m immune to diseases and a hedonist. I never use condoms.”

“Well, I’m a human, and it’s generally a bad idea for  _ anyone _ to have unprotected anal sex.”

“Sam, I swear to you that it’s impossible for you to get any kind of disease or sickness from this with me. But if you’re serious, then hell.” He snapped, summoning a strip of condoms. “Your choice.”

Sam studied Gabriel, seeing the sincerity on his face as he held out the strip of latex. “Just this once, for me, okay? I don’t want to be worried the whole time I’m with you for the first time. Then we can have a lengthy discussion about pros and cons.”

“Works for me,” Gabriel said, tearing off a square packet and throwing the rest to the head of the bed. Opting for ease later, the angel went ahead and rolled the condom on, stroking himself a few times to encourage his slightly-waning erection to return. 

Sam felt a new jolt of arousal at the easy, practiced movements of Gabriel's hand, staring almost hungrily at the sight. He barely noticed Gabriel snap the bottle open, only coming back to the present when the hand on Gabriel's cock moved to caress Sam’s thigh. 

His eyes met the honeyed gaze of the angel, a smile drifting across his face without realizing it. One of his big hands curled around the back of Gabriel's neck to drag him closer. Their lips met just as Gabriel's slick fingers brushed along his perineum in search of the place he was nearly desperate to be. As Sam whined in need, his back arching, that near desperation turned to absolute desperation. 

Gabriel shuddered, trying to stay in control. His fingers greedily mapped out Sam’s skin as the other hand finally breached Sam’s entrance. 

Sam groaned, gasping out Gabriel’s name as one finger quickly became two. “Gabriel,  _ fuck _ .”

“Getting there, Sam,” the angel snarked, the sarcasm nearly overshadowed by the strain in his voice. 

The room was filled with the sounds of labored breathing and Sam’s gasps whenever Gabriel’s fingers twisted, when he added a third finger, when his lips left open-mouthed kisses along Sam’s hipbone. 

Sam felt like he was losing his mind. Gabriel’s fingers inside him, his lips caressing his skin, his soft chuckles every time Sam jerked or gasped. His own fingers dug into Gabriel’s shoulder, the other hand brushing over his hair before tangling in the honeyed strands. 

“Gabriel,” he begged, “please.” 

“Not yet,” Gabriel denied him. As if in punishment, his fingers twisted, causing Sam’s vision to go white at the sensations attacking him. 

“Yes, Gabriel. I need you!”

Gabriel groaned, but he slowly slid his fingers from Sam’s body. Before he rose up to lean over Sam, he licked a slow stripe up Sam’s cock, relishing the shout from the hunter at the action. He gathered more lube to slather onto his own cock before he nudged Sam’s knees apart and inched forward.

“I love you,” he whispered. Without waiting for Sam’s reply, the angel surged forward and buried himself inside his lover. Heat washed over his cock, the muscles surrounding him nearly strangling him as he held completely still for long moments.

Sam completely lost whatever sense he’d had to begin with. Reduced to moans and fingers gripping his angel, he rolled his hips in attempt to get Gabriel to move.

“Sam, wait-” Gabriel tried to beg, cutting off with a curse as Sam continued to all but  _ writhe _ under him, undulating on the thick cock inside him. “Fuck, fine then. Hold on, cowboy, we’re going for a ride.”

Sam paid no heed to Gabriel’s words, his focus narrowed down to their lower halves. When Gabriel finally moved, Sam could have wept with relief - may  _ have _ wept. He wrapped his long legs around Gabriel’s torso and held on for dear life as he was swept away in a sea of sensation.

Gabriel grunted as he pulled out of Sam, only to slam back inside a moment later. Sam keened, but Gabriel ignored the sound. The hunter had asked for it, now he was going to get the fucking of his life. 

It was torture, trying to hold back enough to make things last and not come immediately. But Gabriel felt it was worth it. Every time Sam cried out or his large hands scrabbled for a grip on Gabriel's shoulders or back, every strangling moment that Sam tightened around him. Oh yeah, totally worth it. 

As his control began to slip, Gabriel cursed. He'd wanted this to last longer, had wanted to drive Sam absolutely crazy. 

“So close. Fuck, Gabe, so close.”

Sam's words brought a grin to Gabriel's face as he increased his efforts. Just like Sam's imaginings, Gabriel wanted them to come together. 

Light began to bleed from Gabriel, a subtle glow that grew brighter as the angel sped closer and closer to his release. Sam felt the heat building between them, opening his eyes to look at his lover. 

“Gabriel, please. Take it back. Bond us again,” he begged. 

Gabriel's heart stuttered at Sam's words, initially thinking that Sam wanted him to take back his confession. When the hunter finished his plea, Gabriel felt a weight leave his shoulders. Sam wanted this, wanted  _ Gabriel _ . 

His hips slowed, giving him the extra brainpower to reach  _ through _ Sam, into his soul, to grasp at the half of their accidental bond that he'd abandoned so long ago. 

As the mass of Grace left Sam, he jolted, all but impaling himself on Gabriel’s cock. Both men gasped at the sudden move, but Gabriel quickly shook his head to focus on the bond once more. 

Lifting it to his own chest, Gabriel looked down at Sam. “Are you sure?” he asked. 

Sam reached for Gabriel's free hand, lacing their fingers and squeezing tightly. “Absolutely,” he whispered. 

As Gabriel pushed the Grace back into his body, he leaned down and pressed his lips to Sam's, prompting the hunter to close his eyes. The resultant explosion of Grace and the reconnection of their emotional bond all but catapulted them both over the edge. 

Sam's eyes opened as he gasped, the hazel irises emitting a glow similar to the unearthly blue that angels possessed when flaunting their power. Gabriel moaned at the sight and at the feeling of Sam's inner muscles strangling him, milking his cock for everything it had. 

Foreheads pressed together, labored breaths puffing between them, the two looked at each other with small, intimate smiles and tenderness in their gazes. Sam wrapped his arms around Gabriel and rolled to the side, wincing a bit as the angel’s now-softened cock slid from him. Gabriel leaned forward and kissed Sam once more, sending his Grace to heal the slight hurt. 

As they lay side by side in sated bliss, Sam felt pure happiness for the first time in his life. He knew it wasn't a feeling that would be there every second of every day, but if he could feel this way at least once a day, then everything else would be bearable - the hunting lifestyle, memories from hell, and anything else life chose to throw his way. For the first time, Sam didn't feel tainted., he felt complete and prepared to face his demons. Suddenly he grinned and leaned forward to press a kiss to Gabriel’s lips.

“I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary of hell memories: Sam is physically tortured by Lucifer for decades before Gabriel is brought into the situation. Jealous of the emotion already shared between Gabriel and Sam, Lucifer turns to sexual abuse. When Gabriel has finally stored up enough Grace to free himself and Sam, Lucifer rips out Sam's soul as they fly from the cage. Due to the mental trauma, Gabriel offers to take Sam's memories of the time in hell. Sam agrees. And now you're caught up!


End file.
